i have been laying out money for tix and lodging for the international leg of my facebook new year’s resolution. i am very nearly broke but i believe i can do this. still, i have spent a lot of nights worried about money and logistics.
i have been sending out messages to the phillippines, mumbai, korea, taiwan, uae, and other places confirming that people will be where they say they are. then i received a message from one facebook friend whom i have not seen in a quarter century. we have been facebook friends for about two years.
in two separate messages, she indicated she wanted me to buy and bring to her a computer. she is an american working at a university in a country that would be seven stops into the trip. i had two concerns: a) money because i am on such a tight budget, and b) transporting this computer. as to the latter, i was concerned about dropping it, having it stolen, having it get lost at on of the seven airports, or–after my experience with the canadians, i really freaked–having a border or customs official ask me why i was carrying my own computer and a brand spanking new computer. was i transporting something for somebody else? off to guantanamo!
i considered that if i could solve (a) money i could ship the computer. i also wondered if this meant that if i got into the country where she was living (an eight hour flight from the previous stop together with a nine hour train ride) and i DIDNT have the computer, would she refuse to see me.
and this is where facebook (and all virtual and epistolary) relations get into trouble. i posted about the dilemma yesterday, including a video of murphy my friend with a car who said “don’t do the computer, let me drive you to arkansas to visit one of your facebook friends” within hours had an angry message from the friend. well, ex-friend–she has defriended me and blocked me so that i can’t even send her an apology and i owe her one: i was wrong.
she wanted me to purchase the computer, yes, and to transport it, true. but she intended to pay me back for the cost of the computer. i didn’t get that last part. she is quite rightly offended and she made some attendant comments about my project, my personality, and the unforgivable nature of what i had done.
sometimes i think amy winehouse got exactly what she was aiming for, which is what i felt like aiming for–oblivion. just so i don’t have to be me anymore. just so i don’t have to feel the self-loathing anymore. i didn’t do it, although i know i have to watch myself for a few days to make sure the memory doesn’t trigger a trip to the grocery store liquor aisle.
and so i shoot out into the internet, knowing that i can’t do it through facebook, an unrestrained apology that i know will not be accepted and i will be unforgiven.