last week was, ahem, a week of challenge–four straight days in bed cowering under the covers and then a doctor’s appointment that concluded with me being written a prescription for lexapro. the lexapro bottle is on my kitchen counter. i haven’t tried any yet. i have been receiving emails and phone calls from people weighing in–i’ve been amazed at how much i think that everyone i know is completely competent, happy, well-organized, and now they’re telling me that they were a wreck before they started lexapro, zoloft, klonopin, paxil, etc. . . . or that they were a wreck when they tried lexapro, zoloft, klonopin, paxil.
for me, right now, just for the moment, i am making the choice to not take an ssri antidepressant. that i did a pretty good job of getting myself out of the house last year to meet my facebook friends and conquer my fears and taking a drug would make me feel like i wasn’t entitled to believe in what i did and how i did it.
the three temporary rules are 1. no going to bed before eight o’clock (because i’ll wake up at two a.m. and think of all the reasons i should be anxious and that makes six o’clock seem an impossible hour of the morning and then i suddenly realize it’s three in the afternoon and i haven’t moved), 2. intense cardio exercise every day (it’s amazing how much sweat takes away the negatives. . . ), and 3. take a shower every day (let’s even discuss why that’s a good idea).
a fourth rule is to spend time with friends. on friday evening, giving myself lots of slack to turn around and come home if i got too anxious, i went to the village follies variety show. i figured it was three blocks away from my house. even in heels, i could run home.
last year, i needed to visit 325 facebook friends as part of my new years resolution. tony morris is one of my friends, and i was quite stalkerish about sending him messages which he never responded to. friday, we saw each other. he's the sort who has created a facebook page and then never uses it. i've noticed some people spend an evening creating a profile and then are like uh, i don't really want to do this. okay, we finally got together--thank you mr. #305!
and i did bolt out of there at an insanely early hour–midnight. the next afternoon, i thought of fifteen reasons why i shouldn’t go to the dinner party hosted by my facebook friend #50 ron o’neal. ron had invited me in part because he had read in this blog about the four day pajamas/noshower/nobrushingmyteeth days and he thought i could benefit from a little society. i decided to stay for twenty minutes. four hours later, the o’neals were kicking me out the door. . .
tristan and her husband amadeus do not have facebook. in fact, amadeus is quite opposed to facebook. one, he believes that any group of people could make their own facebook. second, he believes it’s morally wrong for mark zuckerberg to make so many billions. amadeus grew up in what used to be the communist east germany and he’s very aware of the problems of power and money concentrated in the hands of a few people.
mark invented facebook and while he is a billionaire he doesn't really live the life of one, at least so far. i am very impressed by his quote "we do not give better service in order to make money. we make money in order to give better service." i think it would have made an EVEN more interesting dinner party if ron o'neal had invited mark and his girlfriend to join us. but maybe mark was busy.
i have to add another rule that lurks under the surface of all i do: no drinking white wine. beer is okay because i feel great when i’m drinking it and fine the next morning. white wine hits me like tequila with a university of g.g.w.* on spring break. and i’m wretched the next day. so that’s why tristan had to teach me to open a can of guinness. a full pint has only 168 calories and has only 4% alcohol.** that’s a bargain. . . .
white wine gets me drunk fast and hard and not in a good way. in fact, my new years resolution has been to avoid it. the triggers that make me want to drink it are rejection, self-loathing, isolation, and depression. white wine, we can't be in a relationship together--it's not you, it's me. sometimes people are a trigger. my father justin (facebook friend #30) has, in the past, been a trigger and he's going to be a houseguest for a full week beginning today. this is a challenge for me.
hey, this is my first blog with footnotes!
* girls gone wild (ggw) – http://secure.girlsgonewild.com/tours/main1/?nats=MTI2OTU6NTk6MTgz,0,0,0,0 (don’t click on this link if you’re at work or you’re in the kitchen with your wife and she’s making dinner and looking over your shoulder)