i didn’t realize it’s not a.a. it’s a.g. alcholics gossping.
my first try at alcoholics anonymous was four years ago. i was desperate, worried, scared, and believed that a.a. was the only way to recover from being, well, a lush. i was the sort of gal who popped open the white wine at a lady’s luncheon and let the afternoon slide into an early happy hour, with of course a glass at dinner and the usual relaxing nightcap or two or three. i drank every day. i drank every night. i drank at parties because i figured that i was a crashing bore otherwise. i drank by myself because i consider myself a crashing bore. i avoided morning drinks only because i had some sense of standards. and i never got into a car with a drink in me. that’s one thing i have going for me.
i went to a meeting four years ago at the winnetka community house on a sunday evening. i had poured out all the liquor in the house, had resolved that i would not touch the stuff, and had agreed with my best friend miss a. (well, we’ll call her that) that we’d both be better off without mr. pinot grigio. miss a. was a red wine drinker, we would have made a perfect pair.
the meeting made me cry. a dozen friends in a room, in turn talking of their pain that was so near to mine, and with such courage. i had been quietly affianced with mr. pinot grigio and to think i could divorce myself from him was so delightful that i nearly skipped to the parking lot after the meeting. how had i never knew what wonderful delight there is in alcoholics anonymous?
i got a call on the way home. from a friend. we’ll call her miss b. she said she was delighted that i had joined and that miss a. who had accompanied me to the meeting was similarly delighted. and there were other things miss b. wanted to tell me. that she never liked my husband, that he was such an enabler, that i really had been drinking too much at the p.t.a. mixer the previous weekend. i felt oddly violated, like that all of winnetka was connected by soup can telephones and all the alcoholics were gossiping. a.g. in time, i persuaded myself that miss a. and miss b. were the only two who noticed and everybody KNEW what horrific drinkers they were. my secret was safe. i was sure.
i didn’t go back and my drinking got worse. i had a couple of morning drinks, days that began with such horrifying shakes that only a drink would stop them. i tried white knuckling. but could only manage a day, maybe a day and a half. i have made resolutions only to break them. i have read the big book of alcoholics anonymous. i have tried acupuncture, hypnosis, herbs, protein shakes, and nothing has stopped the progression. i used to be a bottle of pino grigio a day girl and now i think it’s closer to bottle and a half. sometimes two if i get started early. three if i am fully aware of the gnawing opening of this hell.
February 11th, 2013 at 3:53 pm
where is the rest of the story? It seems to end abruptly…
February 11th, 2013 at 4:00 pm
Arlynn, it is nothing less than horrific that the group in question violated your privacy like that! That’s outrageous, and I hope those involved see this blog post and apologize to you, since by all that’s right and good, they should.
February 11th, 2013 at 5:30 pm
Have you tried rehab? That may work. It sounds like the AA meeting you attended had too many people who knew you to be really anonymous. Could you try a different AA group where you don’t know so many people? You sound like you need and want help. Does the local hospital have a detox program? That’s a possibility too. I’m just making some suggestions to try to help you. Please get help. I hate to see you suffer.
February 11th, 2013 at 9:24 pm
Arlynn, I won’t be one to tell you I know what you’re going through and offer platitudes or recommend fads or gimmicks. The group you were in did you a disservice (however well meaning) but as a health care administrator and someone who works everyday with the experts that manage rehab programs, I can tell you that the only thing that works most consistently is a structured group program.
You don’t waste good in this world and I’ve read enough to see that there is quite a bit of good in you as well as the good that you’ve got left to give to others. Please don’t give up. Get the help that you need and you’ll be able to give to others later. As an “agent of reality”, I tend to go hand-to-hand in the brutally frank conversation department. If you were a loser prone to defective and faulty thinking, you would have heard about it from me before now but your thoughts, observations and actions tell me that you have some heroic qualities.
Time to be the hero.
February 11th, 2013 at 9:50 pm
Some other thoughts (I think you’re an equally frank person so sink me if I’m wrong on this):
People have heart attacks, get cancer, break bones, and get alchoholism every day; it is what it is.
Is it their fault? Is there anything that they could have done to avoid these things? Who knows? I consider time spent on the questions wasted. A Neurologist friend of mine weighs 95 pounds, is a vegetarian, and a yoga practitioner; she has a cholesterol level over 300 and high blood pressure.
You can’t fix your own heart attack, cancer, broken bones, hypertension or a complex issue like alchoholism by yourself. Don’t guilt yourself because you couldn’t.
February 12th, 2013 at 4:50 am
Don’t let those people destroy your search for sobriety. You have too much to gain and too much to lose to allow them to have any influence. They didn’t deserve your trust and they don’t deserve any continued attention from you. Forget them. Remember yourself. As Mr. Wainwright points out above, you can’t fix your own heart attack, etc. Don’t attempt to overcome Monsieur Pinot alone. Get medical attention. It’s a medical problem and there is medical help. Not one of us climbs out of our basket alone and not one of us deserves to stew in the basket either.
February 12th, 2013 at 6:05 am
Alas. I think a lot of us self-medicate in different ways. I don’t drink or smoke or do drugs yet I use food to self-medicate and therefore I am obese. Sounds like your getting the help you need. Take it! Please forgive the others who gossiped you out than forgive yourself for any hard feelings. Hopefully you’ll be able to find the root of the problem. Writing this makes me realize it’s time for some more self introspection. Please take care,
February 12th, 2013 at 2:33 pm
Arlynn,
I am so happy that you are taking much needed action to be the master instead of the slave to alcohol. He is all to powerful, giving you courageous thoughts that you can do anything and always there for you when you are feeling low, like a good friend, when in fact, it is quite the opposite.
His mission is to tear you down so far, to the point that you are so weak, physically and mentally, depending on him for survival. Covertly taking every thing about the real you, chewing it up, and in the end, will spit you out like old gum discarded on the sidewalk for everyone to step on. One day, someone might scrape you up and toss you in the trash in disgust. He really doesn’t care.
You must always remember to never let him pass your lips. He is not your friend. He is the enemy. He will always be there, trying to win you over time and again, for the rest of your life. Telling you sweet things that lure you to take him back. You must be stronger than him.
I know. My name is Miss X and I am an alcoholic.