sometimes people who are getting off the juice have hallucinations. spiders crawling up the walls. worms coming out of the ceiling. gila monsters sitting on the dresser drinking jamba juice and making calls on your cell phone to bali when you don’t have an unlimited calling plan. me? i hallucinated a rabbit. it was big and had a blue bow tie and sat at the end of my bed. no fears, no worries, just what the hell is this rabbit all about and did he bring cadbury cream eggs?
i had the shakes, the sweats, and at various times mr. pinot grigio (maybe he’s a rabbit when he’s not in a glass?) came to me with some words of wisdom. his kind of wisdom.
“you’re not that bad,” he said. ”but you’ve never had a d.u.i. you’ve never been in the pokey. you’re just a fun girl. you like a good time. you know everybody’s name at Rick’s Cafe. you know everybody’s name at half a dozen other restaurants.”
“that’s because i’m a drunk.”
“you also know everybody’s name at caribou coffee. at the village toy shop. at the grocery store. you even know everybody at the book store on a first name basis. does that make you an intellectual?”
“that isn’t a question that helps your cause.”
“okay, but the point is dry out. get all of me out of your system. you can always come back. i’ll always be here when everything, everyone else fails you. didn’t i hold your hand when your marriage blew apart? don’t i comfort you when you’re lonely? don’t i tell you you’re pretty when you feel ten pounds heavier? which, by the way, you are right now because of the i.v. you’re really not looking your best.”
i was so lucky yesterday. i had visitors. the sound engineer from a show i worked on three years ago. a co-author on a book i wrote about kearney, missouri. a friend i hadn’t seen in over a year arrived bearing flowers. and my mom: suzanne isn’t actually my mom but i like to believe she is since i don’t have one and the fact that i call her mom isn’t part of any hallucination. my ex-husband maximillian. who hates hospitals. but brought me flowers and encouragement and news from my children and offered the use of his apartment and, most importantly, his loyalty and love regardless of what fresh hell i have been living in.
i have some work obligations and wrote from my laptop to a friend begging for help. even explaining that i am detoxing.
the friend wrote back that i should slide out of the drivers seat because this was going to get taken care of. of course, if i was driving a lamborghini i would say no, that’s okay i’ll take care of things. but where i’m at, my life car is a 1971 pinto with bad brake pads and no headlights. i say “great, here’s the keys.”
at ten thirty, one of my friends blew right through hospital security with a late night snack. i have no idea how because evanston is a pretty tight ship at that hour. but my friend, like elwood and jake blues, was on a mission from God.
whopper junior with cheese, no mayonnaise. 350 calories of heaven.
i was also blessed by some emails and texts and phone calls from facebook friends and fellow bloggers. i am blessed because so far nobody has said “what a damn train wreck — or rather, what a 1971 ford pinto — you are”. . . there’s a phrase “just a facebook friend” i think it’s an honorable honorable honorable phrase.
i haven’t had a shower or washed my hair in two days. i haven’t gotten out of this hospital gown in two days. my i.v. drip came out of my arm and i bled all over the sheets i’ve been laying on for two days (at least i got sheets changed out of the deal). i’m still shaking although i can now pick up a coffee with one hand for the first time in two days. i have gained nearly ten pounds in fluids from the i.v. in these past two days. i have cried a lot in the past two days, enough so that i’m wondering if dior showgirl mascara comes in waterproof. i haven’t smelled like myself–or, actually, thierry mugler angel perfume–for two days.
but my name is arlynn and i’ve been sober for two days. i’m not sure what i’m doing today, tomorrow, the rest of my life, the next half hour. i’m not sold on rehab, a.a., that weird treatment mickey rourke and carre otis did to sober up where they had all their blood taken out of their bodies, cleansed, and then transfused back in. but i’m eight hours and twenty minutes into the third day.
p.s. if you have a problem, no matter what it is, and you think it’s a secret that you must hide from the world like adam and eve covering their nakedness before God after eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, open yourself to saying what you are. own it. own yourself. and if somebody gives you grief, call me or email me or text me and i’ll come beat them up. except i have to bring along my i.v. drip and if the needle gets pulled out again i’m going to shoot blood across the room like i’m auditioning for wes craven. good visual.
then we’ll go out for a whopper junior with cheese no mayonnaise.
February 13th, 2013 at 2:25 pm
Arlynn. Not sure if you remember me. I live near your cousin in Providence, RI. You should get in touch with me. I am available to talk anytime. Thinking of you, sending loving support.
February 13th, 2013 at 2:35 pm
when i’m out of here i will call. of course i remember you!
February 13th, 2013 at 2:53 pm
E-mail me and I’ll send my number. Glad you are in the hospital, being well cared for. Detoxing from alcohol can be deadly. There is much more LIFE left in you. Don’t give up. You are not alone.
February 13th, 2013 at 2:35 pm
I’m so glad you’re getting better. Two day sober is two days better. The fact that you have visitors says that you have people who love you and support you (apart from your blogging friends). This hospital stay will work. Mr. blue bunny will eventually go away when he’s served his purpose and you’ll be free of your demons. And soon you’ll have made it through the third day and be on your way to the fourth, and the fifth. Soon you will be clean and sober and able to make it one day at a time, You can do this. You are a strong woman. Just getting there shows you are strong and have a strong will. I’m praying for you.
February 13th, 2013 at 2:49 pm
many thanks! as uncomfortable as it is, i hope that they keep me another day. just as long as the whopper junior with cheese no mayonnaise shows up. and any other visitors!
February 13th, 2013 at 3:12 pm
Too bad I can’t get there today from Kansas. I don’t have any words of wisdom, just wanted to say I’m reading all your posts, even when I have no words to respond with, and I think you’re awesome and brave and I’m sending you love.
February 13th, 2013 at 3:31 pm
Hey Arlynn,…
She Said:
“p.s. if you have a problem, no matter what it is, and you think it’s a secret that you must hide from the world like adam and eve covering their nakedness before God after eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, open yourself to saying what you are. own it. own yourself.”
He Said:
Your choice to personally [own] all the potential pain, anger, frustration, self-loathing and etc.,….that you may have been attempting to drown-out with the buzz of alcohol or any other method of choice,…is a wonderful gift of [caring],…to give to yourself.
Owning all (Good, Bad & not so Ugly) of what comprises yourself,… is,…one of the best [choices] that you can make Arlynn,…at this time.
So roll up your sleeves and have “fun” learning about yourself,…you might discover a few wonderful surprises.
Howard Lovely, Jr.
February 13th, 2013 at 6:32 pm
Well said! :0)
February 13th, 2013 at 4:46 pm
So proud of you ArLynn!
February 13th, 2013 at 6:03 pm
thank you my hero!! we’re still going to new york. it might be the first time i get on a plane without a drink.
February 13th, 2013 at 5:58 pm
Hi Arlynn ~ It is Weezie, Peebs’ friend. We met last summer at the Krals’ and you were your beautiful self in your red sailor dress.
Since then, I have had total hip replacement and spent 2 wks total in hospital and follow up rehab. Wondered how I might be affected by no access to my vices. Fortunately, no drinking seemed to be a non issue. My true 50+ year bad habit was smoking. I kicked it. Walked away from it the day before surgery and have never gone back. YOU, of all peeps, can do this! xo,
Weezie
February 13th, 2013 at 6:02 pm
weezie, i just need a total hip replacement. then i’d be kept under lock and key and would come out clean. instead, the hardest work after putting down the glass — well, it’s just begun.
February 13th, 2013 at 6:28 pm
So glad to know you, gurl. You are brave and open. You have given me courage to stand up to things in my life that need to be addressed. Thank you!
February 13th, 2013 at 6:30 pm
So glad I know you. You are a brave one, and you have encouraged me in a way you’ll never know – Thank you!
February 13th, 2013 at 6:49 pm
remembering our visit in December – you are my sister!! proud of you and know you can do this. sadness shared is halved, joy shared is doubled. love you ArLynn
February 13th, 2013 at 7:40 pm
Good job Arlynn – l knew you were the Hero. Sounds like you’ve got a good team working on your “get back to healthy plan”. Most people pass through life not having experienced a true “Coram Deo” moment, that time when you’re face to face with God and only the truth can be told. Get some rest and realize he’ll never un-friend you on facebook.
February 13th, 2013 at 8:38 pm
We’ve never met. But, your words on a screen dance in my inbox every time you hit “Publish” and I love the two-step. Or jitter bug or fox trot or whatever dance we do together for a few minutes.
And it is refreshing to have another soul on this earth who lives their life out loud. You do it, darlin’. You rock it like no one else is watching.
A few years ago, one of my doctor’s asked me to shoot her a text every time I had a beer. Not a drink mind you, just a beer (for dermatology reasons). I saw her the next week and she showed me fourteen texts. In seven days. And that didn’t include the bourbon, the red wine I had at that company dinner, or the shot of Bailey’s on ice I had almost. every. night.
Choosing to be better is difficult. But, like joy or thankfulness, it is a choice. And you won’t be perfect. But, with each choice, you’ll set yourself up for success again and again. It gets easier to live in the balance, I promise you that.
But, Mr. Pinot Grigio will always be back there on the stern deck of your ship. Just don’t let him run the party. You’re a brilliant and beautiful woman. Let him feel up some other chick.
February 13th, 2013 at 9:02 pm
Damn, Gurlfriends! I am already wanting to hang out with both of you and have some tea or drink a Dr. Pepper or something – you both rock! This is such amazing timing. Going through very similar things with a loved one right now, and boy oh boy, your honesty and courage are so welcome and so needed right now. We are so all in this together, lemme tell you, sha! (that’s cajun for gurlfriend!) :0)
February 14th, 2013 at 4:24 am
i would love that!
February 14th, 2013 at 4:25 am
mr. pinot grigio is being particularly seductive this evening. he is promising me everything. fortunately, there is no wet bar in the cardiac unit where i’m at. xxoo
February 13th, 2013 at 8:57 pm
Don is right about you being a hero. Joseph Campbell talked about the Hero’s journey and how we often refuse the call. We think it’s a lonely journey because we have to work on our own path but their are others on the very next path walking their hero’s journey too.
In the journey, rock bottom is called The Belly of the Whale
” …but it is actually the point when the person is between or transitioning between worlds and selves… The experiences that will shape the new world and self will begin shortly, or may be beginning with this experience which is often symbolized by something dark, unknown and frightening. By entering this stage, the person shows their willingness to undergo a metamorphosis..”
Enough pontificating. Keep moving forward and soon you will look back upon this as a gift. Peace.
February 14th, 2013 at 4:20 am
Bravo! Day #2 must be about over. I’m waiting to hear about a sober Day #3. You’re doing a lot of alcoholics a huge service just by showing up here everyday and reminding all of us–no matter how many 24-hours we’ve got–that the next 24 are the ones that really count.
February 14th, 2013 at 4:24 am
day two is over, day three is actually nearly over. but i do no great service. i have suffered a personal reversal that really really hurt. and it happened even as tonight i’m being told that if i do well overnight and sleep, i can be released tomorrow from the hospital. i will only do what i can do. thank you so much for your supportive words!
February 14th, 2013 at 4:58 am
Scary place. I remember. You’re about to be released, and it seems the only one waiting to catch you with open arms is mr. pinot grigio. He’s just the closest one, but he’s not the one who will actually catch you and hold you upright. He’ll let you down exactly the same way he always has.
I always hated people who gave me advice when I first started going to AA meetings. Preacher Creatures, I called them. So, I won’t give any. I would like to share a little experience, strength, and hope though.
I remember being released from rehab after two days because my insurance company refused to cover my stay (I’d detoxed myself before checking in out of pride–very dangerous, as you know–and my vitals weren’t bad enough to warrant in patient treatment). For whatever reason, and not because I wanted to, I left the treatment center and went to an AA meeting I ‘d never been to before (I’d been in and out of meetings for a while by then). I hated meetings and distrusted everyone in them, had for a couple of years at that time.
That night, fresh out of the treatment I never received, I sat next to this little old lady who must’ve been a hundred years sober. When I spoke, I whined about the insurance company booting me from in-patient. She spoke next and she said, “Sweetheart, you can go back and pay your ten thousand dollars for treatment if you want, or you can just come here and put a buck in the hat every night for the rest of your life cuz that’s what you’re gonna do anyway if you want to live a sober life that’s worth living.”
It would be a number of years, a number of drunks, a few hospital and jail cell visits, before I finally stopped judging AA and took her advice. I eventually found the meetings I badly needed, ones where people talked incessantly about the solution–and rarely about the problem–ones where people were busy in service–in and out of AA. That just happened to be what i needed and still thrive on today. I found people who would not only catch me with open arms but hold me up until i could walk on my own again, and all I had to do to win their support was make an effort to walk on my own two feet. The man I once disliked the most in AA–mainly because I thought he was far too happy and successful to have ever been a drunk of my type–has been my sponsor and friend for 14 years now.
Whether its AA or another group of like-minded lovers of life, I hope you’re able to walk out of the cardiac ward and into some arms that will hold you up until you can hold yourself up. Don’t stop looking for that group. Your group of people is out there. You just have to let yourself see the many ways you are like them and the many ways they’ll love you unconditionally, and then mr. pinot grigio will be revealed for the con that he is. Once and for all.
February 14th, 2013 at 5:31 am
i so totally hope for this. you inspire me and i wish i knew you in real life and that you drove me to a meeting and said go for it. and i’ll keep trying.
February 15th, 2013 at 4:00 am
If you’re ever in Des Moines, let us know. We’ll surround you with warm hearts and take you to meetings where the solution is supreme and the enthusiasm for sobriety never lapses. Hope today was a better day. Kayko