it is valentine’s day. big pressure day. you’ve either got a valentine or you’re a loser.
i am in the cardiac unit of evanston hospital being detoxed from alcohol. i am in a lot of pain but i have been promised that if i have a good night and sleep, don’t pace, don’t get agitated, don’t ask for any meds, don’t fall apart, i can go home tomorrow. not that i have a plan when i get there. rehab? not so sure. aa? i want it to work, but i understand that in the united states at least the success rate has been pegged at roughly 15%.
this is not me. this is carre otis who was at one time married to mickey rourke. the two of them were impossible drunks. no offense, carre, i’ve been called the same. and mickey, we know all about you. anyhow, the two of them underwent a controversial treatment wherein they were detoxed in eighteen hours by having all their blood sucked out of them, cleansed and then re-transfused into them. it didn’t take, they eventually got divorced, and carre now gets asked all the time “does anybody tell you that you look like arlynn presser?” one of those three last statements isn’t true.
in any event, it’s valentine’s day. i am wearing a hospital gown that is three days old and i haven’t had a shower in as long. but i have a valentine.
when i was seventeen, i met my two best friends ever. dick and vivian eastman, both in their early sixties. dick taught my english class. vivian was the secretary at the elementary school. their three daughters are still my closest living friends, i would call them sisters. vivian died when she was in her early nineties in november. on the following valentine’s day morning i received a phone call from dick.
“would you be my valentine?” he asked.
i laughed. he laughed.
“whatever will we tell the kids?” i asked him.
and so, that year i had a valentine. he was ninety four. he had difficulty walking. he had twenty four hour caregivers. i didn’t even see him that day. but he was my valentine nonetheless.
this evening, i was returning messages on facebook. a facebook friend in his twenties and i texted back and forth about being lonely and particularly lonely on valentine’s day. i told him if i were thirty years younger and if he didn’t live eighteen hundred miles away, he’d be fending me off. he messaged back that age is nothing but a number and geography, well, that’s what facebook is for.
so we are valentines. just for one day. a wonderful day. we are going to the movies. we are having dinner. we are watching the stars as we fall asleep. we are going to the pancake house when we wake up. and he promises to respect me in the morning. is it real? well, it’s on facebook so of course it’s real. and who knows? maybe it will be one day.
i’m still wearing the hospital gown. i’ve still got eight monitors and an i.v. drip going. i haven’t taken a shower or washed my hair in three days. i have the sweats and the shakes. but i have a most wonderful valentine and the most wonderful smile on my face. and i hope he does too. who knows? maybe one day we will go see a movie together. like really see a movie together. tonight, he’s saving me and he doesn’t even know it because i will go to sleep smiling, i won’t pace, i will resist the urge to ask for meds.
for now, thank you mark zuckerberg. because this wouldn’t be possible without you.
February 14th, 2013 at 6:08 am
arlynn, you are fantastic and you are a successful and wonderful person. The only person who might be having any doubts about this right now, might be you…you will slay your dragon! Have a wonderful Valentines Day tomorrow with your Valentine!! By the way, my husband said to tell you that you’re a great writer….he reads a book a week, so you gotta believe he knows what he’s talking about !!
Barb
February 14th, 2013 at 6:26 am
my wonderful valentine and i are eighteen hundred miles and thirty years apart but we have already begun a wonderful valentine’s day together. and your husband is of such discerning taste–he knew enough to get himself married to you and he’s smart enough to like my writing. enough said!!!! many blessings and thanks!
February 14th, 2013 at 6:27 am
I wish you luck in your sobriety. It has been 4 1/2 years for me with 3 slips in there. I remember the first few weeks though. If you like tea, I suggest it. I would make pots of herbal tea, all kinds just to have a drink in hand and it helped cleanse me out too I guess. Having a drink in hand, so helpful. Now it is cola. Walking helped too. Got a dog? No…get one!! physical activity gets hormones going and helps us feel better without a drink. I even got into kickboxing for a while. And if wanted, yes, AA. I used it for the first 6 months of sobriety. It helped to have somewhere to go where a drink wasn’t offered or the smell of booze wasn’t in the room if you have a family like mine! Useful stories and info. A place to get grounded and get stronger. I wish you happiness on your new journey. It is hard, but I am here to tell you, even when I crave it when I am reaaaally stressed, I still don’t want it because my life now is better and it is a life built on being sober. take care.
February 14th, 2013 at 6:29 am
i definitely think physical activity and changing my habits is going to help. and i think that at the very very very least aa means an hour in which you aren’t actually drinking. worth it. congratulations on being sober. i wish to be like you!!
February 14th, 2013 at 4:27 pm
good morning ArLynn! happy v-day! it’s a day to love ourselves and others and you don’t even need to gift wrap today! i love your post today, maybe they even have a clean gown
in the old days, we were locked up and if lucky we got orange juice and honey – yummers.
for me, aa has been the easier, softer way – all boils down to love and service. “I can’t, ‘He/She’ can, I think I’ll let Him/Her”.
yes, aa is a microcosm of our society, with all it’s wrinkles. i stick with the ones that are sober and happy about it, who actually live like they talk. I stay away from the drama and the trauma – I have to get out of the problem and start living in the solution, praying for guidance to do the next right thing.
I agree with everyone also, take care of yourself, exercise, be around positive people. If it wasn’t worth it, it wouldn’t be hard. And we have a HUGE support system. love, love, love you sis! Lesley
February 14th, 2013 at 10:51 pm
tomorrow i am going to give that exercise thing a try again!!!
February 14th, 2013 at 4:33 pm
Hang in there Arlynn. You can do it! If you need a friend to talk to, call me.
February 14th, 2013 at 10:51 pm
susan thank you so much! i’m working on it!
February 14th, 2013 at 10:28 pm
Hang in there friend.
February 14th, 2013 at 10:51 pm
thanks sean!