i have only been overnight at a hospital twice before in my life–both times, i was presented on my way out the door with a baby son. so it was with some surprise that i found myself discharged from evanston hospital with no party favor baby to show for it. i went into the hospital for a dark night of the soul, not so much a physical ailment and i was rewarded by something so precious: care. every single person who came into my room did so with a sense of caring for me. every nurse, every orderly, every friend, every visitor, up to and including my ex-husband maximilian.
i needed to break up with mr. pinot grigio and for four days i was pumped full of potassium, b-vitamins, valium, and care and concern in order that i might detox–er, declare a time out.
without mr. pinot grigio, i need to make some decisions. he’s sweet, don’t get me wrong. he’s reliable. he’s always there in the liquor aisle, ready to turn his complete attention to me. i hide from people and situations and yet he’s always ready to sit down with me and a bowl of popcorn and watch television and say “arlynn, you’re so pretty and fun i think you’re adorable!”
but now we need to make this timeout a permanent breakup. there are options and i am wavering:
1. go to aa meetings every day for the rest of my life. oh, wait, i’m not supposed to think rest of my life. instead, i am supposed to barrel through one day at a time. an hour at a time. a half hour at a time. i have a friend who is twenty five years sober who prays every morning for help with his addiction and attends meetings of one sort or another roughly seven times a week. on the other hand, i have been burned by peope in aa. a friend in aa told me that recovering alcoholics are nothing more than the best con artists who are hoping to be honest. and somehow i have discovered the aa members who are best at artistry but maybe not with greatest hope of honesty.
2. go to an outpatient program like chapman, which is associated with evanston hospital. i understand play therapy is part of the deal–meaning a therapist will teach me how to play games and have fun without alcohol. jeez, i would hope there’s not mah jongg involved since i find that game completely incomprehensible.
3. the third choice of course. sandra bullock was in the 2000 movie 28 days about going into inpatient rehab for alcohol addiction. oh, whoops, this image is from the 2002 movie 28 days later which is about zombies invading england. many inpatient programs attempt to change fundamental behavior in a month’s time. i called one facility and jeez, i’m getting phone calls, emails, texts and this is even after i have said “stop!” i’ve got to remember that for these facilities, it’s a profit loss issue and i’m a great sales target.
4. i have a friend who is approaching her eight year sobriety anniversary. aa? no, she swears the stories told in those meetings just made her want to go have a drink. psychotherapy? no although she’s enormously self-aware. rehab? no. zombies? oh, wait, no, i mean inpatient care. twenty eight days is how long it takes to invade england with zombies, and oddly enough, how long it takes for sandra bullock to get sober in a movie. my friend simply became a bride of christ. aa is something like a religion, i know committed members who have no other church. my friend went directly to the source of her faith. and has come out stronger, bolder, faster, more together.
so. . . i ask you, sweet wonderful reader, do you have an opinion? do you have advice? an opinion? as a blogger, i think i’m supposed to know what i’m doing or writing about. i don’t. not on this issue.
February 17th, 2013 at 11:42 pm
I personally would take the rehab.. But that is just me… Good luck Arlynn I will be here to support you in whatever you decide.. Proud of you!!
February 18th, 2013 at 12:06 am
Yep, I have a comment. It feels cathartic for you to come out of Mr. Pinot Grigio’s closet. AND, sorrows are the BEST swimmers. They’ll swim in effin anything. So, may I suggest, “forgetting is for getting. I t makes more room for the good stuff.” When you stop beating your head against a wal for a solution, instead of forgiving yourself and forgetting . . . whatEV. Who can really forget? Though, if you forgive and expand . . . who Nelly!
AA seeminglt has a lot of great tools, though they are often administered by the one-track mind of people who have never bought yellow cars. You see, years back I went to buy a car. There were NO yellow cars on the road that I can remember on the way there. Leaving the lot? I must have counted 50 before i even got on the highway. What?!!
Until you get quiet enough to hear, AND hear . . . nothing works. I LOVE chinese vermillion when I paint. Maybe even use it too much sometimes . . . though that’s a lie. I only use it too much when I start using it early in a painting. And, that’s called a theme.
Kudos to you for just BANG opening up 4-wheel drive in public, Arlynn!
I would ask . . . what are you taking responsibility for that you probably shouldn’t? Mr. Pinot Grigio may simply have gotten you used to a cold rag on your forehead . . . when in fact you may be viewing the beach scene you’ve never seen before.
Is that all abstract? Abstruse? Unrelated? Only you can say. Seems to me you are on the verge-point of Your Life Your Way. I’ll be curious as to your response, if any, and I’ll be more curious to see how this plays out at the multi-scale large-form in your life. . . . which is of course YOUR business.
AA would drive a Zen Master to drink in its confessional pity-party. Almost like it’s a substitute for sensationalist news. And, I feel Carl Jung ROLLS in his effin grave when any attribution is penned to him.
What intensity are you inhibiting? Knitting? Painting? Race car driving? Inhibitions enslave as easily as excesses. And, maybe more easily . . . as they are inhibitions, quiet and hidden by nature. What makes you laugh? What makes you cry? Well, have some popcorn with those . . . at least that’s what I do, and then again . . . if you listen to me, you may be listening to a fool. Then again, being a fool can be like being on a road trip without the asshole continually asking how much longer . . . when everyone else just saw that burger place that has a scenic overlook. . . so to speak.
Forgetting is for getting. You have been blogging wonderfully for I don;t know how long. And now you seem to have gotten yourself in trouble. Amp it! Hell, screenplay it! I’m not one to find value in that drama . . . except I’ll be the first in line at your movie. lol
Keep up your good work howEVER YOU decide to do it. Breath is prayer . . . and then the movie starts.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:10 am
Plus, AA says forever. Meetings are a replacement addiction to give you distance . . . to at least pause long-form until you forget. Never is too damn long except for immortals . . . and, in most movies that is their cross to bear, never being able to leave anything. You’re immortal until you die. Just don’t juke your immortality early.
February 18th, 2013 at 12:12 am
Don’t break the chain. You want to establish a new habit of NOT drinking, right? So, you’ve just done how many days of that? 4, 5? Just don’t break the chain. Don’t have alcohol today. Then, tomorrow, because you won’t break the chain, don’t have a drink. Mark the days off on a calendar and DON’T break the chain of successful days. And, don’t despair if you goof up and can’t mark off a day… just make sure you mark off the next day. You’re amazing, and you can do that if you want to!
http://dontbreakthechain.com/what
February 18th, 2013 at 12:21 am
ArLynn Whatever you decide, please know there’s a community of people, (at least this community of one) ready to walk alongside you on your path to sobriety. Please stay in touch, you have my number…
February 18th, 2013 at 12:24 am
MY FAV my friend simply became a bride of christ. aa is something like a religion, i know committed members who have no other church. my friend went directly to the source of her faith. and has come out stronger, bolder, faster, more together. so. . . i ask you, sweet wonderful reader, do you have an opinion? do you have advice? an opinion? as a blogger, i think i’m supposed to know what i’m doing or writing about. i don’t. not on this issue.
Kindness is contagious. 200y-mm-dd-# hhmm/hhmm -0z00
February 18th, 2013 at 12:36 am
I don’t know for sure either. I am struggling with this question myself. I have a loved one that needs help, but I have never been enamored of the thought of going to hang out with a group of people that are all in the same boat. The blind leading the blind kinda situation in my uneducated opinion.
Also, I feel like if I went to one of those meetings, like your 8 year’s sober friend, I would want to hightail it to the nearest hightop at the nearest bar and order myself a couple of highballs.
My advice, for what it’s worth:
1. Get a professional counselor and see them on a regular basis
2. See someone who could help you with nutritional needs – alcohol depletes the body of vital nutrients and creates imbalances. I believe a nutritionally deficient body leads to a fragile psyche – people laugh over the “twinkie defense” but I think that a weakend body leads to a weakened mind, which means it may be harder to stay focused on sobriety.
3. Focus on getting closer to God. Wrap yourself up in his love, his healing word, his forgiveness, and his desire for you to be the best you can be and have the best in life. That being said, it is not an easy task to find a church that teaches those things – too many Christians I’ve met believe stuff like, “It is your cross to bear”, or “God gave you sickness or addiction to test you”, ad infinitum, ad naseum.
I do know that there are some great Christians out there in California – I met some a few years ago at a retreat in the Sierra Nevadas – they are cool people who would build you up and love you and not judge you or feed you a line of crap like I mentioned above.
Don’t know what the exact answer is for you, but if you do decide you want to go that route and want to meet some of these people, let me know. The people I know in San Diego may be able to connect you with some great people where you live.
No matter what, just know that you have one more person who cares about you and will be praying for you.
Diane
February 18th, 2013 at 1:44 am
Wow ArLynn! I believe you’ve come a long way, but do not be misled into over-thinking things. You don’t need religion, you need spirituality-and you already have that, we’re born with it. The thing that is missing in your life isn’t Mr. Pinot Grigio, popcorn, t.v.,a.a. or even Max-you were made to be in communion with, and have a relationship with the God that created you,the God that loves you! And He did make you pretty and fun(ny) and adorable, just ask your friend who already knows!gb
February 18th, 2013 at 3:27 am
Arlynn, my personal experience with AA was very helpful. When I quit drinking, I spent many days working my shift as a bartender, going to an AA meeting and then getting off the bus at Goethe to visit a friend from college who remembered me as something other than a raging drunk. That friend of course, was you. It has been 27 years and I firmly believe that it would not have worked for me without the combination of those three things: the in-my-face challenge of tending bar for 8 hours, the support and wisdom of other drinkers who walked the 12 steps before me, and the connection with someone who absolutely believed there was more to me than a party guy who wasn’t any fun any more.
I have seen AA work wonders in people’s lives. They are the people who go to the meetings to hear the words they need to hear to get through until the next meeting and the next meeting and the next… until they are at a meeting and suddenly realize they have words to say that someone else needs to hear. I have seen things happen at meetings that were nothing short of life-saving and I had one experience that danced on the border between magical and miraculous.
All that being said, I would suggest you go to AA meetings for a couple days until you can get yourself into an intense, on-site program. I think that since you are a writer, working on the deadline of an intense, fullout program would keep you focused. I also think that since you are a writer, you might filter your experience at AA through the writer’s perspective of “how will I blog about this?” and it would confuse an already baffling experience for you.
There are a lot of people who care about you. That is a blessing that should not become a burden. I would suggest that you find someone to blog for you for awhile – someone who can let us all know that they’ve heard from you and you’re doing okay. Let us know how your book is selling (by the way – Bought It! Read It! Loved It!!!). A guest blogger could keep us up to date on your well-being and let you really focus on the audience you need to focus on right now – you.
27 years ago, I kept showing up at your door a couple-few times a week. That went on for four months. I imagine at some point you had to wonder why. I wasn’t there for food or money or sex. After a really bad cup of instant coffee, I think I mostly drank tap water. We didn’t watch TV and I never even asked for free legal advice. So why in the hell did I keep showing up?
We talked about our days and the people in our lives and I was secretly practicing. I was learning how to be me without alocohol in me and without alcohol being the conversation. I was learning how to laugh and how to be funny and how to be stupid and fun with someone I had met shortly before alcohol began to define me.
I don’t know if there’s anything of practical value to you in my talking about what happened so many years ago, but I do want you to know what an important part of my recovery you were. I also want you to fully, deeply and absolutely understand that Life Owes You Sobriety. You earned it. You deserve it. It is cool beyond description. Go get it!
February 18th, 2013 at 12:16 pm
lordy, john, i had no idea of what part i played in your life!!! because i always always always admired and thought you were the funnest, coolest guy ever. never knew that alcohol was part of things until you told me you were in aa and even then i didn’t know the full scale of things. i’m so grateful to you!
February 18th, 2013 at 4:20 am
Arlynn, I will write my whole story, starting with the onset of alcoholism, the day I lost my 20 year career and the day I checked myself into rehab in 2003, all over alcoholism. I will send it to you via email as soon as I can. It’s a long story. I will start typing it up tomorrow. Love, Miss X
February 18th, 2013 at 4:47 am
In my humble opinion you need to decide for yourself. If that’s really hard right now, I guess my only advice is to go back to/or find a Psychologist who specializes anxiety and addiction issues. A trusted 3rd party who can help you with that decision.
February 18th, 2013 at 6:24 am
All I’m getting is, probably not #3. Kind of wondering if the choice will turn out to be something you haven’t found yet. But I don’t know what.
February 18th, 2013 at 1:53 pm
I think rehab is good, the outpatient is too. The AA where no one you know is goo, where you don’t risk people gossiping about you since you’ve been burned once already. None of them is easy. The “one day, one hour” at a time is a good philosophy. That’s what they tell us people who have suicidal tendencies. Don’t do something with long-term consequences to solve a short-term problem. I guess the same goes for drinking. Taking a drink will have a long-term consequence since you’ve gotten it out of your system and gone through that hell. You don’t want to do that again. Do whatever you have to do to keep that from happening again. Every fucking day.
February 18th, 2013 at 5:49 pm
I think I would do the rehab. Going to aa meetings everyday for the rest of your life is to me just too much. Rehab should give you the tools to make your sobriety successful. But what do I know, I don’t drink much, only socially. On another note, this could be a new book. Start writing about this. I have faith that you can stay sober. You can do it!
February 18th, 2013 at 6:20 pm
thank you and funny you should say something about writing a book. i wrote twenty eight pages over the course of the weekend on a book i think will be my next. i was surprised. i felt like i was taking dictation instead of actually writing or creating. that’s a wonderful feeling for me! advice from friends is always always welcome whether they come from my exact position or not. xxoo
February 19th, 2013 at 3:08 am
I don’t pretend to know personally about addiction, though I’m from a long line of alcoholics, so I know what a wretched way of life it can be. But I do sincerely believe that getting outside, even when the weather is kind of shitty, and moving your body, will help.
We evolved to be physical, and I think so much of our suffering as modern-day humans comes from our failure to move as our bodies are built to do. If you can go out and walk, try push-ups on park benches, walk up long flights of stairs, then you will feel better for having done so.
Wine is also a load of sugar, so it’s not simply an alcohol addiction and the damage it does, it’s a sugar addiction, too, and sugar is poisonous. I’m no saint when it comes to food or exercise, but when I feel like hell and trapped in my own head, I usually realize it’s because I haven’t forced myself out the door and into the rest of my body. Try it for an hour, then tomorrow, then the next day. Other people are trying to do the same thing out there and you will find support.
February 19th, 2013 at 3:36 am
thank you! it’s been suggested to me that i start eating candy bars as part of the process of weaning myself from alcohol.
February 19th, 2013 at 5:53 am
I guess that’s one option… but eating a ton of sugar is gonna keep making you feel like crap. I understand the replacement of one evil for a lesser one, so to speak, in order to wean yourself off. That’s something, as long as you keep pumping some healthy stuff in there alongside it.
February 19th, 2013 at 10:37 am
Hi, ArLynn — I don’t go to AA, but I do a couple of other 12-step programs, and let me get this to you straight: they are not a religion, they’re not full of one-track-mind people (although there are certain some of them), and basically you can, as they say, take what you like and leave the rest. I’m hearing a lot of “Here are the reasons I don’t think I can do this, and people tell me it’s stupid anyway.” That’s not going to get you healthy. “I have to go to a meeting every day for the rest of my life” is not what it’s about, either. It’s all about getting away from worrying too much about the rest of my life, and more about finding ways to be constructive in dealing with the sh*t I’m going to run into today… Oh, and then, there’s all the money we’ve saved in restaurants in the 16+ years since we gave it up!
Urbie
February 19th, 2013 at 2:07 pm
with the money i save i intend on buying some sweet shoes! i may be running repeatedly into people who are quite fanatic about aa. and i am truly having to find my sea legs on this. i’m fifty two years old and didn’t even know until a few months ago that there were actually literally twelve individual steps–i just thought that was a metaphor of some kind.
February 19th, 2013 at 9:21 pm
Well, you’ll run into some “Step Nazis,” who will tell you it’s a straight line, 1 thru 12 to be done in order, but that’s not really required. I had a 15-year Al-Anon medallion in my pocket before I got a sponsor (the best guy I know, who has had a lot of the same life I have) and did a Step 4/5 “inventory.” But it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. My sponsor sees patterns in my life that I’d totally missed: self-abandonment, feeling that I don’t count, and others. This is helping me undo – systematically – a lot of the self-harm I’d done over the past… 49 years. I can tell you more about this if you’re interested, but that TV bowling show I was on in December was an example!
February 20th, 2013 at 3:36 pm
Arlynn,
There are a few things that I’ve learned in my time of sobriety. First, what I’ve done prior to getting sober was not working. Second, AA works for those who work it. I’ve found a way for it to work for me; as friends of yours found ways for them (attending 7 meetings a week). I stopped going to AA and ended up a dry drunk. So I went back and tried it differently. I took suggestions and determined which ones worked for me. Third, I got involved in my spiritual life. I made a conscious effort to connect with my higher power as I understood him. I started attending religious services because that is what worked for me. Fourth, I began to serve others. The best way to get out of myself was to help others, be it feeding the homeless or someone struggling to stay sober. Fifth, I hung out with like minded people. Gotta run. Do many more thoughts.
Remember, keep it simple.
David
February 20th, 2013 at 3:39 pm
thank you very very much david! i learn something from every meeting. i’m not sure what i’m doing but i admire the people i meet.