is there a step zero in the twelve step program? because i think i was on that step today. i screwed up. someone had brought over to the apartment with mr. pinot grigio. i didn’t open up and intended on pouring out the bottle when they left. i had that moment when i should have and then i had that moment when i didn’t.
one drink would have been no problem. two would have been not the brightest idea. three, well, not really a good idea unless i was going to take a five o’clock nap. four, that’s okay if i’m going to watch an episode of downton abbey and five. . .
i woke up with little miss self-loathing in bed with me.
“what are you doing here?” i demanded.
miss self-loathing stretched and yawned.
“don’t you remember last night?”
“i do but i do i have to keep remembering it over and over again?”
“yes, because i’m going to be with you all day long,” she said. ”until you drink again. then you can deal with mr. pinot grigio.”
“i’m not with him anymore.”
“you were last night.”
she watched me while i dressed, went to the gym with me and ran right beside me at the track. she crouched on my desk while i worked. she cackled when i looked in the garbage and confirmed that, yes indeed, i had finished off a bottle. she said don’t bother because you’re a screw up when i thought about going to an a.a. meeting.
“i’m arlynn and i threw away a gift,” i said. ”people have helped me out with being sober but i screwed up yesterday.”
and i felt accepted. i felt the “i’ve been there done that” vibe. i got the “i know what you’re going through but please get back up and start back up the staircase” treatment. little miss self-loathing pouted in the back seat when i drove home.
maybe i am totally skewed in my thinking but i’m grateful i screwed up just so i could know how much i don’t to screw up.
one of my facebook friends that i visited and blogged about sent me this picture. i need one, and today it was a.a. what’s yours?
February 21st, 2013 at 1:30 am
Everyone has set back’s Arlynn.. Don’t beat yourself up over it.. You will over come this in due time.. Have you considered taking Disulfiram (Antabuse)?? Maybe that would work for you.. Sending you big hugs and well wishes…
February 21st, 2013 at 1:38 am
thanks molly i need that hug more than ever! antabuse makes one violently ill when one takes it and then proceeds to have a drink. i’ll do some research into that. thanks for the suggestion!
February 21st, 2013 at 2:09 am
It’s a new day. One step at a time, One moment at a time. Every moment of success is is cause for joy and gratitude. Your journey is a hard one but every step is valuable; hear the message every time you take a step — you are strong enough for the next one. <3
February 21st, 2013 at 9:06 am
I emailed you my “Life as an Alcoholic”. Love, Miss X
February 21st, 2013 at 2:38 pm
So you screwed up. Today is another day. And you won’t screw up today. Because you learned something yesterday. You learned how much you don’t want to screw up. It’s okay. We all screw up. It’s not the end of the world. We all get do-overs. Today is your do-over. Sending you hugs and prayers.
February 21st, 2013 at 2:45 pm
i screwed up and yes i know i don’t want to have it happen again today. yikes, it really is a day to day battle.
February 21st, 2013 at 4:38 pm
It is.
February 21st, 2013 at 4:58 pm
Real friends don’t bring bottles of booze over to the apartments of people who just got out of the hospital for alcohol issues…
February 22nd, 2013 at 1:45 pm
So true.
February 23rd, 2013 at 6:45 pm
Unless they didn’t know or had brought it over earlier.?
February 23rd, 2013 at 8:13 pm
the person had never been to my apartment before and never seen me outside of his workplace. while he knew i was a great fan of mr. pinot grigio, he almost certainly did not know we had broken up. in fact, i think he was counting on us still being an item.