is there a step zero in the twelve step program? because i think i was on that step today. i screwed up. someone had brought over to the apartment with mr. pinot grigio. i didn’t open up and intended on pouring out the bottle when they left. i had that moment when i should have and then i had that moment when i didn’t.
one drink would have been no problem. two would have been not the brightest idea. three, well, not really a good idea unless i was going to take a five o’clock nap. four, that’s okay if i’m going to watch an episode of downton abbey and five. . .
i woke up with little miss self-loathing in bed with me.
“what are you doing here?” i demanded.
miss self-loathing stretched and yawned.
“don’t you remember last night?”
“i do but i do i have to keep remembering it over and over again?”
“yes, because i’m going to be with you all day long,” she said. ”until you drink again. then you can deal with mr. pinot grigio.”
“i’m not with him anymore.”
“you were last night.”
she watched me while i dressed, went to the gym with me and ran right beside me at the track. she crouched on my desk while i worked. she cackled when i looked in the garbage and confirmed that, yes indeed, i had finished off a bottle. she said don’t bother because you’re a screw up when i thought about going to an a.a. meeting.
“i’m arlynn and i threw away a gift,” i said. ”people have helped me out with being sober but i screwed up yesterday.”
and i felt accepted. i felt the “i’ve been there done that” vibe. i got the “i know what you’re going through but please get back up and start back up the staircase” treatment. little miss self-loathing pouted in the back seat when i drove home.
maybe i am totally skewed in my thinking but i’m grateful i screwed up just so i could know how much i don’t to screw up.