a message from the hell my facebook friend miss x has had the strength to crawl from

i have met so many of my facebook friends and recorded the experiences in this blog.   sometimes there are surprises, particularly when i’m meeting someone for the first time.  this past fall when i was in louisville, i met a facebook friend who sent me a friend request after she read about me in a newspaper.  i have corresponded with her and felt her warmth and honesty.  i also figured out she was a prisoner of alcohol.  recently, she has more than a month of sobriety.  on her own.

i thought it would be nice to hear from her in her own words–encouragement that she sent me after my “slip” on tuesday evening which occurred in part because a friend unwittingly brought me a bottle of pinot grigio.  i had the strength to not drink it while they were in my apartment but when they left i didn’t do the first impulse–to pour it down the drain–instead going for the second, wrong impulse.  because of the delicacy of her position — she worries that if she were “outed” her husband’s career might be in jeopardy–i have always referred to her as miss x.

Arlynn,

“Thank you for the gift of wine but I don’t drink it anymore. So please take it with you.  I would just hate to see that good wine go to waste.”

You will find that people will understand, and you will find that people will try to avoid you, especially concerning a social event.  You will find that those who drink will not drink if you are around them, which will make you feel guilty.  Assure them it’s not the case.

You can actually have fun watching other people as they show up straight and slowly get inebriated!  Some, to the point that they make fools of themselves.  No one ever really thinks they act stupid when drunk.

You will think to yourself…WOW!  I wonder what I act like?  You will then know.  Do it once.  You will realize that you can have fun too!  My sister-in-law calls it a “natural high”.

Don’t ever think you can have “just one”.  Alcoholics can’t.  I started drinking a little in 1994, I was 32 years old, and it got progressively worse over the years.  I had 2 vodkas before work, 2-3 at lunch and nonstop until bedtime, everyday.

My first attempt at sobriety was in November 2003 and lasted 8 months.  I was “laid off” from my job of 20 years, due to my alcoholism, while they pondered my future.  I was surprised they waited so long to take any action.  Was it because I had been employed there since I was 21 years old, I’m 42 now, and hated to let me go?  Maybe they had hopes that I would come to my senses and stop doing what I was doing?  Well anyway, I must have definitely started showing major signs in my actions at work.

I checked into rehab that very day, did the outpatient program and attended a weekly AA meeting as required, all in the hopes of getting my job back. They decided to terminate me after 6 months even though I completed the program and I was clean and sober.  I begged and pleaded with them to take me back.  Even though I knew deep down I knew it wasn’t going to happen, I had been applying for anything and everything. They finally made their decision in May 2004.  It was as I thought.  No dice.  I could not gain their trust back.

While I was “laid off”, waiting for their decision, I decided to attend 3 months of Real Estate school.  I graduated in Feb. 2004.  My graduation gift was a certificate and bottle of champagne.  It stayed in my refrigerator for 4 months.

I found employment as a leasing agent at an apartment complex in May 2004.  One day in June 2004, a nice sunny day, I decided that I could open that bottle, sit on the deck and have a glass.  What the heck, I had 8 months under my belt.  I could be a “normal” social drinker.  The only problem was, I was alone, by myself with the bottle of champagne.  The feeling was so nice and relaxing, just a tad bit tipsy.  I finished off the bottle the next day.  I managed to not drink after that because it made me feel guilty.

I then I got the better paying job after 2 phone interviews and 2 -two on one interviews over a period of 3 months.  It was a job with a fortune 500 company.  I managed to stay sober for about 2 months into that job.  It was so stressful.  I found myself afraid, stressed, and dizzy.  I had never been in this field before. I had training on two different operating systems as they were converting at the time of my hire.  There were so many data bases to learn, and where to find them under extreme pressure.  It was blowing my mind.  One could never obtain their metric standards.  Employees were often taken out in an ambulance for anxiety.  Anxiety took me over too.  I started to drink vodka again, I needed relief.  I would fix a big cup of iced vodka to drink on my way to work, just to get me there, when I got home, vodka until bedtime.

I managed to work there until the first part of May 2005.  Decided to own it, tell them I had a drinking problem, and went on short-term disability.  I was due to return to work around the later part of September 2005.  I was still drinking full blown.  I knew I was not going to return to that Hell again, so I milked the short term disability until it ran out and never went back.  I was seeing a Psychiatrist and a therapist during this time, but they were the most useless people on the earth and did nothing for me.  The only reason I went was because of the disability check I needed.  I had to go but I had no intentions of being sober.

From October 2005 to April 2007, I held several jobs, two of which I was fired for drinking and two I quit before they could fire me!  I decided then it was time to go back to rehab.  This time I opted not to participate in the out-patient services after discharge as I already been there and done it.  I knew all the ends and outs of drinking and what it does.  I did not go to AA meetings because they just made me think about drinking.  I actually cried when they made me leave.  I felt I wasn’t ready.

I went to my doctor.  I told her I was ready to be sober again.  She prescribed Ativan.  I didn’t suite me.  I had the rehab facility release my records to her to find out exactly what they gave me because I felt better there.  Turned out it was Librium.  I started taking it.

May 2007 through December 2010, I was sober.  Working steadily at retail stores and last, as a night auditor at a 254 room Marriott, with no vacations in between.  The hotel closed for complete renovation under new ownership.  I hated the graveyard shift and was ecstatic that I would be able to take 18 month vacation drawing unemployment.

Well needless to say, that January 2011, I took to drinking a little bit here and a little bit there until there I was, full blown, everyday all day drinker again.  Unemployment ran out at the end of June 2012 and I never even applied for a job.  Too busy being a drunk.  While my “new” sobriety date has changed again, January 12, 2013, I’ve yet to look for a job.  I’m not ready and kind of scared.  I need to get my shit together here soon as the money is going fast.

I will always be an alcoholic.  I could fall on my face again.  I can only say that the third times a charm.  If I do it again, I deserve all the crap that comes with it, even death.  My body has been severely abused for 19 years.  Now I am 51 years old.

My name is Miss X and I AM an alcoholic.

i applaud miss x.  i appreciate all the kindness and support she has shown me when i have faced this.  thank you thank you thank you!