“i didn’t have much success with aa,” my facebook friend bee said to me. ”the meetings, the stories the people would tell, just made me want to have a drink.”
i think i know what she means. there are stories i hear in the rooms (aa-speak for their meetings) that make me want to meet mr. pinot grigio in the the parking lot for a quickie.
“if you didn’t go to meetings, what did you do?” i asked.
“i found jesus.”
there are people who get sober through the aa program. aa as an organization claims a 100% success rate with those who stick with and adhere to all the intricacies of the program. aa only counts those that stick with the program. if you drop out and don’t attend meetings and work the steps (that’s aa speak for having a sponsor who guides you through the twelve steps of sober spiritual development) you are not counted. but how many people drop out? well, if one hundred people were to go to an aa meeting on january first and we counted up how many of that hundred are “working the steps” a year from now, we’d have a meeting with five people. ninety five percent will have dropped out before then. and of the five percent, roughly forty percent will be sober a year after that.
and yet there are extraordinary stories of success with aa. there’s a wonderful chaotic democratic spirit to the program. there is a sacred text, just like a bible, called the big book. and it worked for a family member who has returned to moderate drinking and has regained control that mr. vodka had coopted.
still, there are alternatives to aa and even — forgive me for saying this, bee! — jesus. rational recovery is probably the most notable. this program eschews the “surrender” or “disease” concept of aa and aims for the jugular of the “beast” (that’s rational recovery speak for the fact that once you drink that first cosmopolitan you are going to shut down the bar) with an addictive voice. i went through their online explanation of rational recovery and it sort of creeped me out. but what i really came away with was how diametrically opposed to aa this system is. this is no “i’m powerless over alcohol” program. rational recovery claims that the sort of aa talk that anticipates the possibility of relapse will, in essence, create relapses.
i was intrigued by the rational recovery program after an aa member with twenty five years recovery texted me “please please don’t drink today” which was sort of random. i ignored the text. a second text sent to me a half hour later read “i am really worried about you” and “i have so many friends who have died of this disease” and finally “do you need an intervention?” i felt like i had been bundled up in the failure cape. then again, the text were motivated by genuine concern and experience with a great many of the 95%.
i truly admire my friend bee who worked out her own solution. i admire my aa friend who has been sober a quarter century. i admire the people who aim for a meeting every day. i admire too the people who give it their best and they fall on their ass and have to figure out how to pick themselves up. and i admire the people who do the twelfth step and care for the newbies like me in a way i find frankly puzzling and beautiful.
Twelfth Step: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs
i don’t have any answers. i have a lot of questions. i see a lot of pain that people who are addicted–to mr. alcohol, to gambling, to narcotics, to cigarettes, to food–and i wonder how we get out from the undertow and swim to the safety of the shore.
March 2nd, 2013 at 8:38 pm
I think regardless of the method, it would be most effective if you stick with it long enough to break the habit, see results.
March 2nd, 2013 at 8:40 pm
mark, you’re absolutely right and for now, the system i’m hanging with is aa. it is a uniquely american “we’re all in this together” system.
March 2nd, 2013 at 8:49 pm
Keep searching Arlynn. I KNOW you will find the right path and walk it.
I followed my DASH diet in January and lost 12 lbs. Got really busy in Feb and good eating went out the window. Whenever I don’t eat right, I’m tired ALL the time and feel like shit. Why do I put up with this?
Instant gratification????
Leaving my carbs behind is like leaving a friend and a lover. Comfort, pain, companionship, joy, anger. So I think I understand that Mr. Grigio of yours. I think I’ll call mine Ms. J. Potato Chip. Our buddies? Yes. Dysfunctional? Hell. yes. Friends? I guess not really.
Neil Sedaka was right. “Breaking up is hard to do.” But perhaps staying together is even harder in the long run.
Keep pushing on!
March 2nd, 2013 at 8:58 pm
breaking up is indeed hard to do! i wonder if we both would benefit from a rebound relationship. with, like, exercise or meditation or doing good deeds. that probably is not going to work for me.
March 2nd, 2013 at 8:51 pm
p.s. I’ve been threatening to go to an O.A. meeting for years. I have always let fear of the unknown stop me. Might check it out tomorrow…
March 2nd, 2013 at 9:19 pm
Okay, I’m not a drinker or a drug user, so maybe I’m not the best person to participate in this discussion…but I like what you wrote about this “Rational Recovery” system that doesn’t call alcoholism a disease. I think it’s more like a condition that people give to themselves. You might want to check it out a bit further.
March 2nd, 2013 at 10:00 pm
I was addicted to chocolate…I tried soooo many times to stop eating it. I would make it for a week and a half or so and then start again. I think the feeling of “powerlessness” comes from trying and failing so many times. The good that comes from that is realizing what a big problem you have. Atleast that’s what it did for me. I heard a drug addict say that the way he finally got off drugs was in the process of trying to quit over and over again. That’s what it was like for me. Finally…I stopped eating chocolate. By the time i tried the last time, I had so much emotional pain connected with the failures to stop and the escalation of my addiction that the thought of eating was like eating broken glass. It’s been 14 years for me with no chocolate. I’ve heard some people talk about finding a place of moderation after addiction to anything…but I personally think that is rare and that cold turkey is the way to go.
I know chocolate sounds like a weany addiction and people use the term “addiction” carelessly, but just put the word ‘crack’ in place of chocolate and that was me…minus selling my body to buy it…lol!
March 2nd, 2013 at 10:52 pm
i totally and completely get it! and i think every addiction is the same. a friend of mine smoked cigarettes and one day he found himself going through an ashtray trying to find the last segment of a butt. he then felt a voice asking “are you the boss of cigarettes or are they the boss of you?” and he quit. it just got to be too much.
March 3rd, 2013 at 1:37 pm
AA works for some people, not all. It’s one method of many, and I hope it works for you. So many things are addictive, I know what you mean. It seems like we are all addicted to something or someone. Sigh.
March 3rd, 2013 at 2:19 pm
my friend michael barth sent me some information about an offshoot group from rational recovery. and oddly, the success rate for people who simply wake up one morning and say “no mas” to alcohol have roughly the same result as those in aa. and they probably don’t have the shame when they have relapses. we are all addicted because addiction means that your lizard brain (does freud call it the id?) is strong. it seeks out pleasure for the body and it is pretty damned and determined to not give up what it regards as pleasurable. i sure hope something works for me or that i’m able to let my superego win.
March 3rd, 2013 at 6:27 pm
I have not had a cigarette since January 1st. Believe me I know how hard it is to quit an addiction. It truly sucks. Hang in there ArLynn, you can and you will find a way to do this!
March 4th, 2013 at 1:06 am
how did you manage that???? i think there are all kinds of solutions to addictions and i’m trying to figure out what works for me for this addiction. i am always open to suggestions that are workable! and p.s. congratulations!
March 4th, 2013 at 3:35 pm
I don’t know of anyone who claims 100% success on anything — this is a straw man. No program works if you quit! People who blast the programs are like the people who blast lo-carb diets because you gain the weight back… When you start eating junk again!
. I have no experience with the Rational hooha, because they have no analogous -Anon program — but I think it uses a lot of Albert Ellis concepts. In a way, it’s just another way of looking at the same thing – which means it’ll work if you think that way, instead of the 12-Step “powerless” way. But whatever approach you take, finding reasons why it’s stupid will not bring success! Lose the naysaying FB friends and find people who help you!
March 4th, 2013 at 4:43 pm
you’ve really got a point that resonates with me. finding the mindset that most easily enables you to embrace sobriety is the key. for some people for whom aa doesn’t work or results in relapses, maybe a one eighty degree turn in thinking will help! as for no analogous program for al-anon, you’re right. although there are responsibilities for family members within the rational recovery program. just that it’s difficult. perhaps even more so than the al-anon experienece. much love!
March 4th, 2013 at 3:52 pm
You do by taking one step at time. Don’t rush into it, just do it. Everything else will fall into place.
Arlene
Sent from my iPhone
March 4th, 2013 at 4:41 pm
thank you so much always for your support! love to you and johnny!