mrs. vander leyden’s glasses, (nearly) free literature and no english teachers

this past week, my friend and publisher oj dorson released the newest read–mrs. vander leyden’s glasses–on amazon.com.  you don’t have to have a kindle but it’s nice if you do.  you can read it on your phone, you can read it on a plane, you can read it in the bath.  but please, no reading while driving.

this read was published by oj dorson and the cover art created by tony tyner.  it is just 99 cents which is such a steal!

this read was published by oj dorson and the cover art created by tony tyner. it is just 99 cents which is pretty sweet and (nearly) free!

you can get this heartbreaking work of staggering genius (or just this story) at http://www.amazon.com/Mrs-Vander-Leydens-Glasses-ebook/dp/B00CQAQ6XC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369064472&sr=8-1&keywords=mrs.+vander+leyden%27s+glasses.

if you want an english teacher to demand that you do some derrida like deconstruction of the text, you have to order that separately.  i think you should just sit back and enjoy. . .

if you want an english teacher to demand that you do some derrida like deconstruction of the text, you have to order that separately.

deconstruction of text has been something i haven’t had to deal with in a while.  nor english teachers, not that there is anything wrong with english teachers.  generally, any love of reading didn’t come from an english class.  another thing i haven’t had to deal with in a bit is an editor wielding a rejection letter.

really, this sort of correspondence can kill even the best ambitions. shouldn't we do our best to avoid putting ourselves through this?

really, this sort of correspondence can kill even the best ambitions. shouldn’t we do our best to avoid putting ourselves through this?

 

instead, i just posted on facebook that i needed some help figuring out how to publish a story.  and oj appeared.  then i said i needed a cover.  and tony and oj put one together.  i can’t say i’m great at self-promoting. . .

in 2011 i had a new years resolution to meet all 325 of my facebook friends no matter where they might be.  then i wrote a book about it which has been published by tate publishing company.  i thought they had a publicity department and maybe they do.  or at least they have some gal who sends group email exhorting me (and presumably other tate writers) to get the word out.  the reclusive writer j.d. salinger wouldn't have survived this modern age.  on the other hand, he was said to have continued to write long after he had decided to not publish.  is it literature if you don't have an interaction between a reader and a writer?  uh-oh, that sounds like something an english teacher would  inquire about.

in 2011 i had a new years resolution to meet all 325 of my facebook friends no matter where they might be. then i wrote a book about it which has been published by tate publishing company. i thought they had a publicity department and maybe they do. or at least they have some gal who sends group email exhorting me (and presumably other tate writers) to get the word out. the reclusive writer j.d. salinger wouldn’t have survived this modern age. on the other hand, he was said to have continued to write long after he had decided to not publish. is it literature if you don’t have an interaction between a reader and a writer? uh-oh, that sounds like something an english teacher would inquire about.

 

 

 


immortality in five easy steps

it’s what the egyptians wanted with their mummies and their pyramids.  it’s what ponce de leon wanted with the fountain of youth.  it’s why vampires get weary, mostly because they’ve figured out that immortality is fun . . . for the first thousand years or so.

woody allen opined that he didn’t want to be immortal through his work. . . he wanted to achieve it through not dying.

eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it. . . another fine quote from the man

eternal nothingness is fine if you’re dressed for it. . . another fine quote from the man

 

but what if physical immortality isn’t possible (well, actually, it isn’t possible but that’s another really depressing blog post)

what if instead of physical immortality you’re going to have to do it through good works?  you could found a a country, but that seems to be a rather crowded field.  you could write a heartbreaking work of impossible genius but that’s going to cut into the time you spend watching reruns of parks and recreation.  you could commit a major crime, which seems to be how some people are trying to do this, but that would break your mother’s heart.  and you don’t look good in an orange jumpsuit, trust me, nobody does.  so maybe you’re thinking immortality isn’t going to be for you. . . i’m here to tell you you’re wrong.  you’re going to be immortal.  sure, it’s in a literary sense, but that’s better than the big zero. and immortality is only going to cost you 99 cents.

steps to immortality:

1.  get comfortable in front of your computer.

2.  go to http://www.amazon.com/Mrs-Vander-Leydens-Glasses-ebook/dp/B00CQAQ6XC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368534528&sr=8-1&keywords=mrs.+vander+leyden%27s+glasses

this read was published by oj dorson and the cover art created by tony tyner.  your little slice of the literary heavens will be available on amazon.com within a few months!

this read was published by oj dorson and the cover art created by tony tyner. your little slice of the literary heavens will be available on amazon.com within a few months!

3.  buy it.  read it.  and here’s the tricky part:  review it.  you can probably skate on buying it but reviewing it, gotta do it.

4.  i don’t care if you review it and says it’s great.  or lousy.  or that you couldn’t finish it.  or that you’re an english lit teacher and you’re putting me under citizen’s arrest for defiling the english language.

5.  i am now in your debt.  which means, i will write my next story about you.  yes, you.  which means that you become as much a part of literature as elizabeth bennett, holden caulfield, or that danish prince.  no guarantees on the quality of the work, but enthusiasm will be aplenty.

and if woody allen offers you a better deal, i only hope that you’ll tell me how he does it!

 


bang with friends

do you use bang with friends–the anonymous, simple, fun way to find friends who are down for the night?  well, if you do, maybe i know about it.  or maybe i don’t.

bang with friends is an app that sorts through your facebook friends list, looking for friends who are interested in a casual hook up.  if both of you are both  interested, bang with friends will put you in touch.   where and how you bang is up to you.

bang with friends is an app that sorts through your facebook friends list, looking for friends who are interested in a casual hook up. if both of you are both interested, bang with friends will put you in touch. where and how you bang is up to you.

it’s not the sort of app you want your parents or your coworkers to know you’re using.  ditto that ex-boyfriend whom you keep on your friends list because you want to check out his new squeezes–knowing you’re using the app would make you seem so . . . desperate.  bang with friends has been slammed by the clueless media outlets like huffington for letting everybody know just how desperate you are.  worst nightmare, right?  especially if it turned out you AND your parents were using it.

but media reports are quite wrong, with a caveat.  bang with friends automatically adjusts its privacy setting.  right now it’s set at “only me” being allowed to see that you’ve installed the app.  on the other hand, there are people who joined bang with friends before january when facebook graph search opened up everybody’s treasure box of apps.  that just means that if you installed this app before january and you don’t want anybody except that casual encounter you’re about to have to know that you’re using, you have to manually adjust your privacy setting.

or you could just not use the app, book a flight to vegas and see what happens.

 


sequestration explained


an invitation–short notice but heartfelt

i hope you’ll join me on wednesday april 24 seven p.m. at the book stall — 811 elm street in winnetka, illinois.  i’ll be pleased to share with you the first copies of the new book face2facebook, which you can purchase online at http://www.amazon.com/Face2Facebook-ArLynn-Leiber-Presser/dp/1625630816/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1366634235&sr=1-1-catcorr&keywords=arlynn+presser

but only if you promise to meet me face to face later!

 


please!

i want you, yes you there on the other side of the internet, i want your creativity, your talent, your passion, your verve!  i want to collaborate with you in a special way:

this story was uploaded to amazon by my friend oj.  i want you to read it, review it, and help write its second draft.  click on http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CE04WGW to find it.  oj, by the way, now qualifies as a publisher because he designed the cover and uploaded the text.  this for this next story, i want YOUR help!

this story was uploaded to amazon by my friend oj. i want you to read it, review it, and help write its second draft. click on http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CE04WGW to find it. oj, by the way, now qualifies as a publisher because he designed the cover and uploaded the text. this for this next story, i want YOUR help!

 

so i have a new story i want to have oj publish.  but i’d like some cover art.  i’d like your cover art and what do i want to give you?

undying devotion

attribution on the cover and in the text

the chance to dedicate your cover art to yourself, a loved one, a pet

a thank you note from me (i’ll break out the crane’s stationery for this)

and the right to say “yeah, i spent last week working on a book” which gets you out of having to explain why you didn’t get your midterm paper written

 

so here’s what you do:  email me at apresser@hotmail.com or just leave a comment here.  i will send you a file.  read it.  send me artwork in the form of a jpg (at least i think that’s what oj would want).  we have a tight deadline so what are you waiting for?

 

oh, yes, i nearly forgot:

please


not quite an internet sensation

in the dark ages–which is to say thirty years ago–my ambition was to write the great american novel.  i retired to the tool desk in the garage of the foster family in which i lived.  i laid in supplies — cigarettes, paper, and a particularly vile cocktail of tab with a shot of vodka.  i used an unforgiving i.b.m. selectric:  every mistake required a careful application of white out and if there were enough frustrations on a page. . .

ripping a page out and starting over was a frustration.  a thousand sheet ream of paper might yield only a twenty page short story.  think about how often you hit the backspace key.

ripping a page out and starting over was a frustration. a thousand sheet ream of paper might yield only a twenty page short story. think about how often you hit the backspace key.

ten years later, on the edge of my thirties, i sold my first novel.  publishing a short story, a poem or a novel required printing out the entire piece, mailing it with a return self addressed envelop to a publisher, and waiting.  waiting, waiting and waiting some more.  and then getting a rejection letter that would ruin my day or a week or a month.

a form letter is devastating because it has so many ways of being interpreted. . . from "i liked the story but my boss didn't" to "you don't even have the talent to write a grocery list". .  . the new yorker magazine gets so many submissions that in the last few years they have instituted a policy of not even giving the writer this much in the way of subject matter for their insecurities.

a form letter is devastating because it has so many ways of being interpreted. . . from “i liked the story but my boss didn’t” to “you don’t even have the talent to write a grocery list”. . . the new yorker magazine gets so many submissions that in the last few years they have instituted a policy of not even giving the writer this much in the way of subject matter for their insecurities.

internet self-publishing means there is no publisher membrane between the writer and reader.  there can be true collaboration between writer and reader, as there has been in the book “wool” written in serial form by hugh howley and his readers.  that is the sort of collaboration and accessibility that i’d like.  

this story was uploaded to amazon by my friend oj.  i want you to read it, review it, and help write its second draft.  click on http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CE04WGW to find it.  oj, by the way, now qualifies as a publisher because he designed the cover and uploaded the text.  would you like him to do this for your next story?  because then i could download it and give you my feedback.  it's like we're a writer's colony and i'm still in my pajamas.

this story was uploaded to amazon by my friend oj. i want you to read it, review it, and help write its second draft. click on http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CE04WGW to find it. oj, by the way, now qualifies as a publisher because he designed the cover and uploaded the text. would you like him to do this for your next story? because then i could download it and give you my feedback. it’s like we’re a writer’s colony and i’m still in my pajamas.  p.s. this story is about a man and his whooping crane.  an interspecies love story.

 

so i hope you’ll download this story.  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CE04WGW  and that you’ll like it, review it, give me “room for improvement” comments.  and i hope to publish more stories this way.  and then i hope you will like those.  i don’t expect to be an internet sensation but i hope for a good reader-writer relationship.  maybe even have lunch with a reader.  or write the great american novel even if it’s just a small little treasure for me and a reader.

really, this sort of correspondence can kill even the best ambitions. shouldn't we do our best to avoid putting ourselves through this?

really, this sort of correspondence can kill even the best ambitions. shouldn’t we do our best to avoid putting ourselves through this?

 


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