Monthly Archives: March 2011

March 9, 2011

slap some old spice on this man and tell isiah mustafa he’s out of a job!

By arlynnpresser

this new years eve i made a resolution to meet all of my facebook friends by the end of the year. it means i’m meeting friends i haven’t seen in forever. meeting friends i see every day but never really am mindful of in a way a friend should be. and it means i’m always being surprised. f2fb #67 jeffrey weber is a surprise. i mean, he’s forty three. forty three with a body of a twentysomething. a twentysomething in spectacular shape. which, given jeffrey’s smarts, is the exact combination you want in a firefighter for the chicago fire department. somebody gonna come save me from a burning building or use those jaws of life to drag my sorry ass out of a crunched up car, i want it to be jeff.

jeff works a twenty four hour on, two days off schedule at the firehouse downtown. he is part of a company that works two trucks that are prepared for advanced rescue. someone drowning in lake michigan or the chicago river. a window washer on the skyscraper who’s suddenly a whimpering, tangled mess. the car that’s been smashed to bits but there’s someone stuck inside. he’s seen everything. absolutely nothing phases him. it might be because he’s an ex-marine. also, he teaches both martial arts AND motorcycle riding. imet him five years ago when my younger son eastman was rehearsing for a play down the street from where jeff works at a fitness center. i would work out every time eastman rehearsed. which was every day for six weeks. i haven’t seen much of jeff since, but man, slap some old spice on this man and poor isiah mustafa won’t be in those commercials anymore! and if i wasn’t engaged to the very dead but still charming mr. clark. . . ..

surprisingly, jeff taught me a lesson about the need for organization. the two trucks used for his job are “a place for everything and everything in their place” trucks.

the chicago fire department’s motto is “we’re here when you need us” and i’m so glad they’re here. there. everywhere.

and firefighters are always heroes. just think of those famous vivian leiber books “safety of his arms” and “the 6’2″ 200 lb. challenge”!!!

of course, there was something that puzzled me. why would firemen who are so compulsive about keeping everything ready for emergencies be so lacksadaisical as to throw their pants and boots on the ground and their jacket up over an open car door.

jeff explained that the boots are carefully inserted into the pant legs and the coat is ready so that all he has to do is put both feet into the boots, pull up his jumpsuit., thrown on the coat and head for trouble!

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March 8, 2011

the origin of the world and other paintings. . ..

By arlynnpresser

i think this project would make a beautiful movable museum exhibit, with each facebook friend celebrated and presented in their incredible unique way. fadel haowat-halliwell, f2fb #66 already has his materials ready. from the outside, he looks like the perfectly average chicago twentysomething: he works at a lincoln park coffee shop, he just switched his major from chemistry to math, he lives with his parents and sister and pet parrot, and he carries his life in his backpack.

but fadel is also a seeker. of faith. of love. of love and sexual fulfillment together in one special person. he is an artist and a feminist in a way that i have never experienced a man to be.

yesterday he showed me a series of pictures that i think must be seen by the world. i must find a curator for him.

at first i thought the picture above was a watermelon, but it is not. it is a picture of the source of life. it reminds me of “the origin of the world” by gustave courbet. fadel calls the picture “fertility”.

the second picture he showed me is called “the economy” and you have to look closely to realize it’s really about how the world makes money off of women and enslaves women. the skycrapers are decidedly male, with penises at their core. the only escape, within his vision, is a pirate ship.

the last in his series on women is religion. fadel was raised greek orthodox and briefly committed himself to being a muslim. but he has yet to find the true peace of faith fulfilled. in this picture, he emphasizes how religion has trod on women but he makes a larger point about the dynamics of different religions. you can’t see it but this is an artist who does not complete his work at the end of the canvas–instead the painting continues around the canvas. it’s really remarkable and a picture does it scarce justice.

i was startled that he had prepared for me a portrait. this is me having coffee with a vagina at the artopolis coffee shop. it is now on my living room mantle directly under a portrait of queen victoria.

fadel is a seeker and so am i. we’ve made plans to visit a few services together and to continue the discussion of faith and what’s important. i also hope one day to see his paintings in a museum. perhaps the museum of sex in new york.

next up: i meet a real hero, facebook friend jeffrey weber

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March 7, 2011

thank you mr. clark (or maybe mr. jones)

By arlynnpresser

as many of you know, i am betrothed to mr. william clark, originally born in caroline county, virginia. but some of you might not know that my fiance has been dead since 1838. he’s buried in st. louis. please don’t tell him. it would break his heart.

he was a farmer, a soldier, a part-time botanist, zoologist, astronomer and cartographer. he was appointed governor of the missouri territory and he most famous for traveling with merriweather lewis across the vast united states after president thomas jefferson purchased the land from the french. you can read about his adventures in my facebook friend lanny jones’ book “william clark and the shaping of the west”.

i met william (i can call my fiance by his first name although most people refer to him as mr. clark) in person when i was in new york. new york was a scary trip for me. i was getting phone calls from my father every few hours–he is convinced his wife barbara is trying to commit him and indeed he was institutionalized very briefly after my visit to tallahassee. i was swindled out of some money on thursday evening of the trip by a member of the harvard club (an ex-member, but still, you’d think harvard people would be better than that) and i had an anxiety attack nearly every minute of every day. but i loved seeing the museum of sex, touring the city with john r. douglas, meeting vince p. and nearly meeting a passel of celebrities.

when i travel, i bring talismans. lucky charms and not in the form of cereal. i have a lucky flight plan of a long ago trip that keeps planes aloft so long as i am on them. i have several rosaries, gifts from my sons. and i now have a diminutive replica of my fiance when he was just an explorer. thank you, mr. clark, i shall travel with him always in my little medicine bag.

btw, william clark actually has his own facebook page. that’s how we met!

my next major trip, well, the one after the western illinois, is to mexico city. i understand i will need my inhaler and a desire for adventure. it will be the first time i’ve been in a country where the primary language is not english. ciudad de mexico, un que lugar hermosa!!!

thank you mr. clark, i will travel always with this reminder that i am officially a member of the club of adventurers! unless your biographer mr. jones sent it, in which case i will still take it with me!

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March 7, 2011

maple syrup, grandpa’s gotta go, and a one hundred dollar offer for you!

By arlynnpresser

quick, take out a sheet of paper and write down the name of every person you saw on a daily basis ten years ago. the guy behind the counter at the grocery store. the cute girl in class who let you look at her answers but said no to going to the prom. the mother of the kid your kid was best friends with. the crossing guard. the members of your hockey team.

these people were really important to you but if you’re anything like me, some of the people you deal with today were with you ten years ago but some of them. . . you can’t even remember their name and wouldn’t have a clue how to locate them. except for facebook, with a little detective work.

ten years ago, my beloved f2fb #1 younger son eastman was in a movie directed by f2fb jason glaser. linda glaser (f2fb #65) welcomed over thirty film students into her home for three weeks of filming. oh, and she paid for the movie. i was eastman’s personal assistant, er, mom slash chaperone. there to make sure that nobody would share their drugs with him. i was very tight with the group. i knew everybody’s name, from the key grip to the director’s girlfriend. or at least i did at the time.

i still know the star (balbinka, a facebook friend), jason (another facebook friend), steve ware (ditto), and grzegorz who would never open a facebook account even if you promised he would win mafia wars.

i hadn’t seen linda glaser in years even though we had shared a very intense experience in the making of her son’s film. but i drove into ada, michigan which is suburb of cascade, michigan which is, in turn, a suburb of grand rapids, michigan and returned to the place where eastman and jason filmed “grandpa’s gotta go”. a heart warming movie about grandparents and their grandchildren, who ask veternarians to put them to sleep.

in any event, it was as if i had never left. we talked way into the night, two new friends arrived and suddenly it was a party. the glaser family is like that, always inviting people into their lives.

the next morning, linda made french toast.

and the syrup was smoky and warm and i said, “hey, is this aunt jemima syrup?” and she said no, it’s the last of the syrup we made last spring. that’s when i figured out that the glasers could, if necessary, survive in the event of a nuclear holocaust. after all, they have a stocked wine cellar, a lot of cocktail napkins, and a bit of the farmer’s instinct in them.

now, the hundred dollars. one copy of the movie “grandpa’s gotta go”. no questions asked. we both looked for it last night. linda doesn’t have a copy. i don’t have a copy. somebody’s gotta have a copy.

later today, i get my portrait made in zanzibar!

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March 6, 2011

f2fb #64 gives me a lesson in painting

By arlynnpresser

i had heard about donna leonard’s late summer house party. a three day frat party on the eastern shore of lake michigan. the late nights. the raucous meals. the carousing. when i got the invitation last year, i knew i had to go. it was exactly worth it although my bathing suit top slipped off while i was swimming in the lake on saturday afternoon. i had to remain in the water until nearly ten o’clock before sneaking back to the house!

donna is 65 and has a life we all can envy . . . because she is doing exactly what her passion dictates. her passion is for art and for animals. she has nine cats, three dogs, one parrot, a horse named tiny and i’m convinced that she was just lowballing those figures. tiny kissed me, so did a few of the dogs and my lips swelled up like i had visited a hollywood plastic surgeon’s office. donna had to give me a benadryl.

she has an exuberant style of painting and she has an exuberant style of life. she paints and draws constantly, and her studio was full of books of her work. when you like to do something, you do a lot of it and you get better and better at it. whatever that thing is you should make it your life’s work. today, when i drove to saugatuck michigan to see her, she showed me how she is painting a piece commissioned for a horse dealer.

i noticed donna’s paintings had some paw prints on it. a pet raccoon. donna doesn’t stress about that–she incorporates an apparent imperfection into the painting. when i left her studio i think i might have left the smallest footprint as well. i’m now a part of her artwork.

she’s invited me back to the late summer party–but she’s also said come back anytime which is particularly touching because before today i was a friend of a cousin. now i’m a friend! i think i have a hideout for when i decide the world is too much.

from saugatuck i headed northeast for grand rapids where i am to stay with the glaser family. linda and richard glaser’s son jason directed my youngest son eastman in a teen exploitation movie about grandpa-cide called “grandpa’s gotta go”. the glasers hosted thirty film students in their home and allowed their house to be used as the backdrop of the film. it was a longer version of a donna leonard house party. but with tangible evidence.

at donna’s parties, what happens in saugatuck is really supposed to stay in saugatuck. including my bathing suit top.

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March 5, 2011

f2fb friend roberta rubin plays online scrabble too! i bet she’d kick my butt!

By arlynnpresser

it’s gray outside, snowing, cold. seven a.m. on a saturday morning–the perfect time to roll over, pull the covers up, and go back to sleep. will i? but i have to be in saugatuck michigan in slightly more than four hours to meet f2fb friend #64 donna leonard whom i have only met once, last summer, when she hosted a house party to which i was invited. and from there i strike north to grand rapids to spend the evening with f2fb friend #65 linda glaser whose son once directed eastman in a movie. nothing against these two wonderful gal pals, but i really would like to sleep in!

yesterday it rained hideously, and again, i wanted to stay in, but i had to attend a joint winnetka and northfield chamber of commerce event–i have written a history of winnetka and another of northfield. chamber members, some of them my friends and all of them friends of the two villages, came together in the book stall. the book stall is owned by roberta rubin. i have had a house account there since i first moved to winnetka nineteen years ago, it is one of the last independent book stores and yes, jay, i told everybody you said hi from indianapolis. i was thinking about richard curtis and his conviction that books made out of mashed wood pulp were a historical oddity. roberta had some interesting thoughts:

i was taking a friend with me on this michigan leg of the trip. it was to be an experiment in being on a roadtrip together. we had plans of possibly going together on the more challenging legs of the trip that would include the phillipines (hey, mark and azanthiel!), korea (hi, john!), homer alaska (hey, miss sweetpea!), taiwan (warner, you could just move back to chicago) and hawaii (hey, sherry!). but this friend’s parents realized this project has a high prospect of failure, that things i do don’t necessarily turn out well, and that having a job at twenty two should be the focus. further, the parents are concerned that the traditional family vacation will be disrupted. if i succeed at this project, maybe this friend will travel with me–i hope so. for the moment, until i prove myself, i am on my own. and maybe that’s a good thing but it means i can’t sleep in the car.

okay, if you promise you won’t tell anybody, how about if i just take a half hour snooze? shhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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March 4, 2011

i am outwitted by f2fb #62 and the unbearable darkness of cool

By arlynnpresser

it is exactly the sort of thing that facebook is intended for:  i was having dinner with a friend from law school i hadn’t seen in, yes, dare i say it?, twenty five years!  there was a lot of life to catch up on.  he lives in san francisco, is married, has twins who are eight years old, and a law practice that seems to make him happy.  all lawyers are desperately unhappy, i was one and can say this with confidence, but he seemed pretty cool with it all.

and i had my life to tell him about:  the rumanian prince, that bungled heist in monte carlo,  clothes i loaned lady gaga.

and then i realized there could be no pictures, no video.

not because he’s famous and his bodyguards would have to kill me.  not because he’s debiliatated in some way that wouldn’t make for a good blog.  but because it was so damn dark.

the violet hour is in a building that looks from the outside like a boarded up warehouse.  the cab driver who deposited me at its steps was so nervous he first walked in, cased the place and came out to escort me into the restaurant.  and i use the term restaurant lightly because it seemed to me to be just a lot of rooms with black curtains and candles (fire department alert!).   drinks were made with droppers and food was an artistic endeavor.  but i got to see michael lieberman, f2fb #62.  or at least someone who claimed he was michael.

but i couldn’t take a picture because everything i tried turned out the same:  black.  somehow i think michael picked the place for that very reason.

so instead of unloading on his shocking gossip, i’ll pass along this–i’ll be signing books at the book stall this evening at six o’clock. on elm street in winnetka. can’t miss the place. hope to see you there!

i’ll be there tonight.  i hope you can make it.  there’s sure to be lights!

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March 2, 2011

new york new year f2fb stats and . . .

By arlynnpresser

i thought i couldn’t do it–getting to new york, visiting friends, even making a side trip to new jersey–and you know what? i didn’t do it! not at all. sure, it was me on the plane and in the sex museum and at the algonquin and the faculty club of princeton university, sitting with baba at ted baker and almost going to a party of celebrities with vince p.

but it wouldn’t have happened without friends. friends who called me the morning i left for new york and said you can do this. you can get on that plane. friends who texted me, messaged me, emailed me, posted encouraging words on my wall or even the friends i met in new york who said “get out of your damn shell and let’s go see the city!” friends i’ve known forever, friends i’ve only recently met, friends i haven’t even met at all! the experience has made me think i will remember next time i have a friend who needs some bucking up that i will do it. i’ll be the one to call, to text, to message, to give hugs.

now, i have a video to share with you of f2fb #61 my son joseph but wordpress isn’t cooperating so i thought i’d share the news that on friday i’ll signing books at the book stall in winnetka at six o’clock. the book stall is on the 700 block of elm street in winnetka.

 

northfield cover

and here’s the early spring tally on my new years resolution:

61: the day of the year, 304 remaining
61: the number of facebook friends i have met, 274 remaining
1698: the number of facebook friends i now have
1363: the number of facebook friends i will try to meet outside of this project (viva brasil! viva japan!)
9: the number of friends i met in new york city
2: the number of facebook friends in new york city who did not respond to emails, messages, or wall posts (gillbert gottfried and glen thater)
3: the number of friends who deactivated their accounts while i was in new york (explanation in future post)

so i have to ask you

i leave for a michigan excursion at the end of the week and then i have a few small trips before the first international trip to mexico city. viva mexico!!!!

and p.s. this problem with uploading videos is driving me nuts!

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