some of your facebook friends never want to see you, ever!

or at least they don’t want to see me.

some of them are quite blunt.  one facebook friend this year said “i’ve been trying to date you for three years and now you just want to see me for your stupid f#%@king project!”  i was surprised because i thought we were just facebook friends.  another woman wrote to me back in march that “this year isn’t a good year for us to get together” and i envisioned a datebook full of appointments, balls, soirrees, expeditions to france or the antarctica.  i saw her in the grocery store recently.  perfectly friendly, i didn’t bring up my new years resolution.

some of those who don’t want to see me prevaricate.  they say after this month.  work is tight, but when it gets a little better.  after my dental surgery.  after my dog gets spayed.  and i wait and then re-ask and hear a new reason for delay.

some of those who don’t want to see me just don’t respond.  after a while, i get the picture and i’ll write a perfectly inventive fellow in that category tomorrow.  for today,  i will discuss the curious case of f2fb friend #269.  normally you don’t get a number if you don’t show up.  i chalk it up as a failure and the day goes by without a post.  but this was soooooooooooooooooooooo close that i almost feel i met him.  in fact, i’m pretty sure mr. 269 was outside my door looking into my living room, seeing me at the fireplace. . . .

i wasn’t sure how i knew mr. 269.  our only mutual friend was miss f2fb friend #200 elizabeth stein.  liz was and is a very very close friend of my ex-husband and it came as a shock to him when she announced her nuptials to f2fb friend 159 richard gordon.  my ex-husband asked me to go to the wedding as a favor to him.  i did.  and a few days later, i received a friendship request from mr. 269.  he wore a baseball cap in his profile picture.  i thought about whom i had met at the reception and decided i had probably talked to him.  it would be rude of me to say no.

over the course of this year, he has poked me.  sent me one word messages “huggs” “kisses” “hello” and “soon”.  we have made several dates.  he would prefer to have those dates consist of him coming to my home with a bottle of wine.  i demurred.  i thought perhaps he was shy in public about meeting me.  this weekend we set up seeing me at my house against my better judgment, but i felt safe.

beth and zeeb went to a furniture fair in chicago and appreciated an invitation to stay overnight at my house--after all, their datsun doesn't make a comfortable bed. i went to high school with zeeb. they are both committed to the paga religion. they are sweet and fun chaperones.


i cleaned the house.  put up a christmas tree, put wreaths on the door, bought wine in case everybody drank wine, bought beer in case some people drank beer.   went to the atm for pizza money.  put sheets on the guest room bed.

and at a little after six, i got a call from mr. 269.  he was nearly there.  traffic was a little tight.  i reminded him that zeeb and beth would be arriving around eight.  we’d have a chance to get to know each other but — i didn’t say this — not so much of a chance that trouble could occur.  and he’d have a nice escape clause if he decided i was boring.  instead, i said how much i was looking forward to finally meeting me.  he said the same thing.

then zeeb and beth arrived.  about an hour later, f2fb friend #20 charlie seymour arrived with his dog eddie.  the five of us had a great time–beth had made elderberry wine. i got the strangest sensation that there was someone at the door, at the window, but everytime i checked there was . . . nobody.

the couple brought me a fairie they had made themselves and i put it in my tree. can you find it?


an hour later, charlie left.  it was now closing in on eight thirty.  i got us a pizza.  later, we went to bed.  i am reading an annotated version of jane austen’s persuasion.  it’s really quite good and i was asleep in ten minutes.  i woke at one o’clock.  i checked my facebook page.  a message from mr. 269

“have to make it when you come back.  safe journeys”

sent around eight o’clock.  i was stood up.  again.  i went back to bed but in the morning i sent a text on my phone.

“what happened?”

“i sent you a facebook message.   my cousin got arrested for speeding”

farewell, mr. 269.  i got so down on myself i spent the rest of the day watching old episodes of pan am, reading that jane austen, ordering dominos pizza (twice!), and gaining four pounds which i must assume is largely water weight.  my fingers look like little baby carrots with paper cuts.

  okay, so some of my facebook friends NEVER want to see me, EVER!  i just have to find the last remaining ones who do.

p.s. i’m keeping mr. f2fb friend #269’s spot open.  after all, maybe his cousin will get out of jail!  maybe speeding doesn’t carry a death penalty the way it used to!  maybe mr. 269 will change his mind.

2 responses to “some of your facebook friends never want to see you, ever!

  • John R. Douglas

    There’s something just amazingly wonderful about your hilariously deadpan reporting of the various non-meetings that have taken place over the course of the year. The stories of your meetings are funny and charming and real but the non-meetings always leave me fighting the urge to roll on the floor laughing. Your good-humored assumption that even the most unpredictable of your FB friends mean well is irresistible. There might be a stand-up routine in here and possibly an entirely new career.



  • Paulibus Schumann

    … I second JD’s emotions… very fertile comic ground therein!
    Furthermore… I found the leapin’ fairy… she’s lovely!

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