dear linda

dear linda, 

yes, i’m roughly your age so i definitely identify.  you split with the hulk and then you felt a little lonely, a little less than the beauty you once were, a little lost and vulnerable.  and then you met charlie.

charlie hill? everybody told you it was a big mistake.  he was eighteen years old and he didn’t get with you because of your pretty hair or your delightful smile.  it was all about the benjamins, baby!  and ps his hair is a big mistake too.

linda, everybody thought you were pathetic.  they thought he was a gold digger and that was certainly true.  you gave him an allowance, you bought him cars and watches, i bet you paid for every meal.  and when you got engaged, you were the one to buy the ring.

you guys split up and you were generous with what you let him keep–some cash, the bentley, and the engagement ring.  it was humiliating and painful, i’m sure.  but then there was worse to come.  he has sued you for 1.5 million dollars, claiming that you forced him to work for free on your property and on your boat for nearly four years.  one point five million, four years, that’s $375k per year of charlie’s time.

here’s a picture of charlie working on your boat. i have photoshopped out the gun to his head.

please, linda, you did what you did because you weren’t doing the one thing you needed to do, something my mom taught me about being independent and loving yourself.

i sure do feel for you.  it’s tough when you reach the age when the bag boy at the grocery store doesn’t even bother with a bit of a flirt.  but no more charlies. a vibrator and a joel osteen positive mental attitude video should be sufficient.

sorry, charlie. with or without a comma.

love you linda,

yours,

arlynn