Tag Archives: marissa durbin

this is the scariest video i’ve posted so far!

the scariest clip ever!  and not just because we talk about ted bundy type episodes.  this is something i’ve been sitting on for two weeks and am only just now realizing i can’t weasel out of. 

benjamin gonzalez is f2fb friend #140 and his wife marissa durbin is f2fb friend #141.  marissa has been following the progress of my new years resoution and when i suggested a get together she was hardly surprised.  i knew ben initially through his uncle laurence who is a photographer and did some (ahem!) portraits of me, one of which hangs in his house.  i happen to have forgotten to wear clothes that day.  that forgetfulness doesn’t happen very often but it does make an impression.  marissa and ben have an adorable eighteen month and ben is so in love with marissa that when he talks about her it’s a little like listening to a twelve year old talking about the aphrodite of the eighth grade class.

i went to dinner at their home.  marissa and i chatted.   ben might have been somewhat baffled that our talk kept circling back to facebook.  when marissa excused herself to put on the lipstick for a video, ben allowed as how he hadn’t expected that an old friend would haul off and play wedding party videographer.  that’s when i explained my new years resolution.

now, ben has been in the film business for quite some time. most of that time he has worked for strata entertainment (you can see their stuff at http://strataproductions.net) their focus is real life events recreated in a manner to challenge the filmgoer. 

i believe that letting ben document what i’m doing will help me finish my new years resolution.  i am grateful every single day for the help my facebook friends give me, whether it’s meeting with me, driving me to another friend’s house, playing chaperone, making me dinner, helping me get an advance on a line of credit on my house to pay travel expenses, introducing me to their family, tellling me i had a good impact on their life at some point, or sending me a gps system (which is in the mail) or a lucky charm such as william clark or the hedgehog.   i’ve twice had f2fb friends lay hands and pray over me.  i’ve been stunned by friends opening their homes and hearts to me. 

ben, on the other hand, made me feel so anxious that i bought a bottle of as good as i could afford and i sat down on the couch and drank it to the last drop.  when i woke up, i figured if i get to pursue my determined, eccentric dream–i gotta let ben work on his.  he and his crew are like a bunch of boy scouts working on that eagle badge. 

tomorrow, i get on the plane for new york.  then a train to rhode island.  then to boston.  back to new york.  home again.  and right back out to california (again!).  i sure hope the boy scouts stay on their side of the plane to new york.  i need my space to have my little freak out.

sandra bullock’s doppelganger

sandra bullock gets asked at least twice a day “does anybody tell you that you look like arlynn presser?”  she must be very flattered.  stammers.  maybe gets hives.  i get the same thing just people asking me about her.  we’re similar to the eye, although possibly also to the ear:  i’ve been told that my laugh ends with a particular nasal sound that .  . . oh, just go to netflix and get miss congeniality and you’ll see what i mean!  we’re twins.  in a way.

i once was in an airport and signed an autograph because i was baffled.

but i met my psychological twin last night when i had dinner with ben gonzalez (f2fb #140) and marissa durbin (f2fb #141).  we were outside in their backyard.  it was as the landscape architect frederick law olmsted imagined american life should be–several different families came out of their houses, sat for a spell, waved as they passed, hung out, checked their cell phones.  okay, maybe that last part was not olmsted’s vision. marissa and ben have an adorable seventeen month old desmond who is the playboy attracting admirers.  olmsted must have anticipated desmond.

the next door neighbor came out of her home.  she was wearing green capri pants and a white t-shirt.  i was wearing. . . it must have been a black dress.  but we were still indistinguishable.  she hovered, she chatted, she was so sociable, but when asked to sit down with us, she declined.   disappeared and returned.  when i asked her to sit with me a second or maybe a third time, she said “i can’t.  i’m very antisocial.  i have agoraphobia.”

i asked her about her anxiety attacks, which roughly track mine–meaning that she can negotiate zones of safety and outside of that, it’s too terrifying.  she has recently lost her job (a safe zone) and her home (the safest zone) is being foreclosed upon.  she has sent her sons away in the hope that if they aren’t living in the house, the bank will not go after them.  she had her first anxiety attack on the block near her home just a few days ago.  there is a closing in of the boundaries just as the “safe” zone is going to be taken away from her. and her sons–whom she is trying to protect–are not there to help her.

i wanted to say “come with me!” i have laid out a track of junkets–i’m off to california on sunday whether i like it or not!  i’m in ohio the week after.  new york, rhode island, boston. . . i have two friends in alaska and damnit i have a friend in hawaii who is moving to turkey (no slur on turkey)

i will assume i am having a near death experience every step of the way just like my twin has just found out that she will have every time she goes to the bus stop on her block.

i have tried everything to stop panic attacks.  therapy.  every prescription drug.  some nonprescription drugs.  acupuncture.  hypnosis.  alcohol. meditation.  prayer. nothing has worked.  but this year i’ve done things i never would have thought possible.

flying on a plane.  being in a different country.  boxing with a ukrainian middleweight.  driving a car in that direction.  and the other direction.  popping open a champagne bottle with a sabre sword.  watching a funnel cloud form over my head.  seeing people i would never get a chance to see if i stayed in my house and bought the requisite seventeen cats that being my age requires.

but i couldn’t say “come with me!” to ben and marissa’s neighbor, my twin in the green capri pants.  because i’m not even quite halfway there.  i may fail.  i think odds are i will.

so she said i have to go back home, i have facebook, i have other sites, my back aches from being in front of the computer, and i said “pleasure meeting you” and what i want to say is “at the end of the year i will come back for you”

the real focus was marissa and ben.  i met ben initially because his uncle–a renown photographer and author–did my portrait four years ago.  i happened to be nude at the time.  i love the picture although i’m not sure you’d know who it was and you might mistake me for sandra bullock.  ben and marissa were just friends for the longest time and then. . . .

i am planning out the california, ohio, new york trip and yeah, i will  be scared.  i am home now.  safe zone.  but the train keeps riding. . . .