there are things my f2fb friend #86 fran fruit can do that i just can’t–one of them being to grocery shop. but that’s because i have a horrible, disgusting, debilitating, shameful secret. i haven’t even read about this in any woman’s magazine.
i sleep eat.
some people snore, walk, talk and mumble in their sleep. i probably do all that but i also go downstairs to the kitchen and eat food. with no memory of having done so. last night i ate a banana, half a package of baby swiss cheese, two hamburger buns, potato chips, spinach dip and an entire solid milk chocolate easter bunny. the only evidence i have of doing this is the crumbs on the bed, the empty packages and peels on the floor around the bed, and that i stepped on cheese when i got out of bed this morning. it’s a wonder i don’t weigh four hundred pounds. so i hope that eastman will not think me a bad parent when i write that i look forward to him going back to school after spring break but only because it will allow me to return the refrigerator to its intended use: to store perfume, nail polish, no more tangles spray, and diet coke.
my friend fran fruit–and her name really is fran fruit–is talented in so many different directions. she’s a photographer and computer genius (although she’s going to email me a correction saying she is opposed to the word genius in this context). she is also a professional taste tester. who better with whom to shop at a grocery store?
fran took me on a very limited portion of her friday schedule. we started at a grocery store in niles. not only does fran bring her own shopping bags, but she also brings her own produce bags. this was not a grocery store for kraft macaroni & cheese, wonder bread, and kellogg’s cornflakes upon which i raised my children. no, this was the united nations of grocery store. and i wanted so much to buy dragon fruit, yamas, cactus, burnt octopus, and burdock. but i wasn’t sure what i would do with them. i don’t speak any other language than english and for this alone i might have stood out. on the other hand, i noticed a gentleman ambling behind me for several aisles. he finally spoke and told me i looked very beautiful. i thanked him and then he said something to another man in a language i didn’t recognize and i think he might have been laughing at me. ah, well, i bought replacement milk chocolate easter bunnies (which i will give away before i sleep) and two prayer candles.
fran had a cartful of stuff but she was quick to say that some things were better purchased elsewhere. we went to two other grocery stores–at one of them i could have bought a live octopus AND gotten eyelash extensions! i wanted pink so bad. she has been married an astonishing forty years and she is the shopper in the family, as well she should be–she is a warrior. i know i can’t ask her to come make me dinner at two o’clock in the morning!
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