last week was, ahem, a week of challenge–four straight days in bed cowering under the covers and then a doctor’s appointment that concluded with me being written a prescription for lexapro. the lexapro bottle is on my kitchen counter. i haven’t tried any yet. i have been receiving emails and phone calls from people weighing in–i’ve been amazed at how much i think that everyone i know is completely competent, happy, well-organized, and now they’re telling me that they were a wreck before they started lexapro, zoloft, klonopin, paxil, etc. . . . or that they were a wreck when they tried lexapro, zoloft, klonopin, paxil.
for me, right now, just for the moment, i am making the choice to not take an ssri antidepressant. that i did a pretty good job of getting myself out of the house last year to meet my facebook friends and conquer my fears and taking a drug would make me feel like i wasn’t entitled to believe in what i did and how i did it.
the three temporary rules are 1. no going to bed before eight o’clock (because i’ll wake up at two a.m. and think of all the reasons i should be anxious and that makes six o’clock seem an impossible hour of the morning and then i suddenly realize it’s three in the afternoon and i haven’t moved), 2. intense cardio exercise every day (it’s amazing how much sweat takes away the negatives. . . ), and 3. take a shower every day (let’s even discuss why that’s a good idea).
a fourth rule is to spend time with friends. on friday evening, giving myself lots of slack to turn around and come home if i got too anxious, i went to the village follies variety show. i figured it was three blocks away from my house. even in heels, i could run home.
and i did bolt out of there at an insanely early hour–midnight. the next afternoon, i thought of fifteen reasons why i shouldn’t go to the dinner party hosted by my facebook friend #50 ron o’neal. ron had invited me in part because he had read in this blog about the four day pajamas/noshower/nobrushingmyteeth days and he thought i could benefit from a little society. i decided to stay for twenty minutes. four hours later, the o’neals were kicking me out the door. . .
tristan and her husband amadeus do not have facebook. in fact, amadeus is quite opposed to facebook. one, he believes that any group of people could make their own facebook. second, he believes it’s morally wrong for mark zuckerberg to make so many billions. amadeus grew up in what used to be the communist east germany and he’s very aware of the problems of power and money concentrated in the hands of a few people.
i have to add another rule that lurks under the surface of all i do: no drinking white wine. beer is okay because i feel great when i’m drinking it and fine the next morning. white wine hits me like tequila with a university of g.g.w.* on spring break. and i’m wretched the next day. so that’s why tristan had to teach me to open a can of guinness. a full pint has only 168 calories and has only 4% alcohol.** that’s a bargain. . . .
hey, this is my first blog with footnotes!
* girls gone wild (ggw) — http://secure.girlsgonewild.com/tours/main1/?nats=MTI2OTU6NTk6MTgz,0,0,0,0 (don’t click on this link if you’re at work or you’re in the kitchen with your wife and she’s making dinner and looking over your shoulder)
March 19th, 2012 at 12:27 pm
dang girl. you are doing well again. Keep on keepin on kid.
March 19th, 2012 at 12:28 pm
i can only do my best. and you, you showed up in prayers last night for wellness!
March 19th, 2012 at 12:52 pm
Know I am a non native english-speaker/writer hence…The way I read your header, “” i meet facebook friend #305 and get out of my pajamas . . . FINALLY!!!”” , Is……. that I really hope your FB friend 305 is your partner ! 😉 LOL…..
Enjoying your blogs/posts.
BR from sunny Holland ( Europe)
March 19th, 2012 at 2:13 pm
ha ha! boy would tony be surprised! hello to holland!
March 19th, 2012 at 2:13 pm
Total support for your choice. Keep working the plan.
White Wine = GGW. Interesting. 🙂
March 20th, 2012 at 3:58 am
if you had only known this in college, tony!
March 19th, 2012 at 4:39 pm
You are just Fantastic ❤ Big kiss and thank's so much for share your kindness ❤ LOVE U ❤
March 19th, 2012 at 4:39 pm
much love monica!
March 19th, 2012 at 8:30 pm
So great to see you smiling and enjoying yourself! But we’re also of course here for you on less smiley days too. 😀 Happy St. Patricks Day (belated!) 😀
March 20th, 2012 at 4:00 am
pink you are so absolutely supportive that i need to thank you!!!
March 20th, 2012 at 4:12 am
Awwww…. I’m just mirroring your incredible support to others. You are not alone! We’re just one blog away! 😀 Apparently too, smiling tricks your brain into thinking it’s happy. Fake it till you make it!
And, one little song that has inspired me, and makes me think of your brave adventures! “One Life” by Hedley http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=masmCmLPyxw&ob=av2e. 😀
March 20th, 2012 at 6:41 pm
I haven’t gotten to catch up until now, wow. You truly are a gift honey. I don’t how you’re doing it, without the medical help – I understand it, trust me, I did it for years without it; but it’s gotten too bad to go without it now. Hell, once you go on it, then you fear to go off of it. Yay, for our brain and how it works… I like the rules, I can’t do the same ones, but I like them. Its good to have structure to a degree, it helps.
However, this… this right here, helps people like me, to see we’re not alone… Your courage and bravery are something to hold onto honey and knowing that you are giving others hope is a wonderful gift and blessing.
Thank you for being a blessing to me.
March 22nd, 2012 at 5:56 pm
thank you, i say blushing. it’s a pajama day but i am promising myself that tomorrow morning the alarm clock goes off and i’m out the door. . . thank you so so so much!
March 22nd, 2012 at 6:11 pm
good luck honey… i hope you were able to get up and out today… 🙂
March 20th, 2012 at 9:48 pm
Hi, this is the second blog of yours that I have read and I am so glad I found you on here. I completely understand and empathize with you. I am a 31 yr old journalism student (first year~had to start somewhere…). Please don’t stop writing :)!!!
March 22nd, 2012 at 5:55 pm
not likely that i’ll stop but i do have my little pajama days. . . and thrilled that you’re following your dreams!
March 21st, 2012 at 4:23 am
Glad you made it out!
March 22nd, 2012 at 5:50 pm
March 21st, 2012 at 4:01 pm
Arlynn, you made an incredible effort with getting out of the house and also with this piece of writing. I could relate to every single thing you said about over-thinking going out, the anxiety, etc. You stated it well and with a bit of humor, which I adore. Well done, girlfriend! xoxo
March 22nd, 2012 at 6:09 pm
julia, planning an early april trip to detroit even now. . .