a puzzling end to a facebook friend’s visit and i revisit the lexapro issue

what a wonderful afternoon get together! thank you f2fb friend #307 tony adams with my father justin. tony is a wonderful friend and wanted us to try something special for lunch.

my father justin (f2fb friend #30) flew in from tallahassee this monday and planned to stay for a week and a day.  we had dinner with f2fb friend #306 oj dorson and justin made chicken l’orange in honor of the occasion.  the next day, we had lunch with f2fb friend #307 tony adams and then there was the fire. . . .

i went to sleep that night thinking that the visit with justin was going very well.  i had a brunch planned for sunday morning in his honor.  we were going to the movies to see the artist. then i woke at four o’clock in the morning with a migraine.

for those of you who don't know what a migraine feels like, imagine this cute blue dude having some fun with hammer, nails and your brain.

i didn’t come downstairs until seven where i found justin had already packed.  he said his wife barbara had a dinner that evening and wanted him to return home to join her.  he had already called the airlines and rebooked a flight for that afternoon to atlanta and then in the evening a flight from atlanta to tallahassee.  it seemed puzzling to me.  i felt uneasy.  i felt rejected.  i felt, and still feel, that i must have done something to offend either justin or his wife and it’s just a matter of me not knowing what it is.

feeling rejected is a good excuse for a pajama day. which includes pajamas, self-loathing, a paperback, television, domino's pizza and wine and going to bed at eight o'clock. this time i left out the pizza and wine.

i was proud that i didn’t call domino’s, prouder that i didn’t drink white wine.  i still have a migraine.  i still wasted time on hulu.com, went to bed at eight o’clock and never got out of my pajamas. . . but this morning, i’m back together except for the bedhead.  the temporary rules of my life are back in force:  work out every day, take a shower, no going to bed at eight o’clock.  otherwise. . . .

i have a prescription for lexapro which is sitting unopened on my kitchen counter. i really don't want to do this but some doctors believe anxiety disorder and agoraphobia are only controllable with antidepressants. including mine.



11 responses to “a puzzling end to a facebook friend’s visit and i revisit the lexapro issue

  • Missus Tribble

    I agree; that’s very strange behaviour indeed and not something I could easily shrug off and forget about myself. But then I’m that person who meets somebody face to face for the first time and spends the rest of the week waiting for the email telling me that they’ve removed me from their friends list. I desperately want people to like me and have become extremely distressed and introverted on the occasions that it’s happened.

    I know how a migraine feels too. I used to have them regularly when I was on the pill and would spend days in bed, sick to the stomach and almost completely blind in one eye. I hope it passes for you soon.

  • Bountiful Giving

    Kudos to you for giving yourself time to deal with the feelings and then get back on track. Sounds like it was their problem, not yours and the feeling of rejection is on them, not you. Too bad about the migraine, they are awful and your blue guy depicts them perfectly. Soooo sorry for you. I’m so glad to follow your blog and really have enjoyed hearing your successes. Congratulations for fb friendships and getting out to meet them. If they leave early, it’s their loss. I think you’re terrific! – Kris

  • lindaogborn

    My heart goes out to you. Being bi-polar I have been in the medication romping room for more years than I care to admit. Having steadily taken the meds for years, I personally decided to take a break. I am a responsible adult who knows how to wean herself off the pills. I am proud of you for fighting to not be completely taken over by the medications. It is true they do help but everything in moderation, you know? It’s been 6 weeks since I completely stopped and other than the major crying jags over anything and everything, I feel like someone I don’t know. Now I just want to be me. Your posts are an encouragement and I know in my heart that you will continue to succeed. You decide medication wise what YOU think you need and go with that. You’re body won’t lie to you. 🙂

  • suchaprettiface

    Sorry to read about what happened, and while I cannot know how you feel, I can empathize because I know that I too, would feel rejected, but good for you for not allowing it to take over! You are a beautiful person and I commend your courage and openness. I don’t know what number I am on your FB list of friends, but I look forward to the day when we get to meet in person! 🙂

  • Knoob

    Hiya Arlynn. I hope you won’t think that by posting this kind of reply again, I’m trying to make you do something you don’t want to do. But I read a blog yesterday that sums up how I feel about it, too, albeit more eloquently, so I shall borrow that girl’s words: “I was very reluctant to go on anti-depressants, feeling I should be able to cope without them. This is ridiculous – imagine if a diabetic was insistent on beating their condition without insulin.” (Full blog is at http://amyjanesmith.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/my-experience-with-depression-anxiety.html)

    Personally, I refused medication for two years before finally deciding I needed it; ten weeks on citalopram and I can feel an improvement. I used to think, “I’ve thought myself ill so I can think myself well again”. I couldn’t. So I needed some chemical help.

    Of course, you can’t know if it’ll work for you by hearing about other people’s experiences. You’ll make the decision that’s right for you; in the meantime your readers are here for you 🙂

  • Tony Tyner

    Hi Arlynn,

    Is your dad your biological father? If so does he have issues with anxiety too? Maybe he just wanted to get back to his own bed and comfort zone.

    So, the Lexapro. My kids are at their moms this weekend. Would love to meet you someplace for a coffee. I would never, ever try and talk you into anything but I’d be happy to listen and answer any questions about SSRI’s..

    I will say just this one thing. People ask me about want an anti-depressant is like and I say, “They are my brakes”. In the past, I could fret over a small detail for days. Now, the brakes kick in and I decide how to deal with it. Less drama for sure.

    Peace out. I hope your headaches are better. Pain has a way to knock down our spirits.

  • Jeanne Beckman

    Here are abstracts for articles about Cognitive Behavior Therapy for agoraphobia: If you’d like me to translate them into meaningful terms, let me know
    and http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9299805:brief intensive group cognitive-behavioural therapy (BIGCBT) (with or without pharmacotherapy) was associated with significant (P < 0.001) long-term improvements in frequency of panic attacks, avoidance behaviour and questionnaire measures of anxiety, depression and agoraphobia. Furthermore, the large majority (80%) of patients in the BIGCBT without medication group remained medication-free at long-term follow-up. Of those patients who underwent BIGCBT concurrent with pre-existing pharmacotherapy, a large percentage (44%) reported no longer taking medication for their condition at long-term follow-up


  • Nicole

    Sounds upsetting and painful, but don’t turn it in on yourself. I agree with the above person, perhaps you dad wasn’t feeling too good and couldn’t express this in words, perhaps he felt he was a burden. Are there unresolved issues with your father that you need to work through?

    A migraine often drags me into a sensitive/reactionary emotional space, as does most illness. Try to stay strong with this in mind (if it applies to you) and remember this too will pass. Why not send him a note saying thanks for the quick visit and express your love?

    With you all the way …

  • Julia Kovach

    Good posting, Arlynn. Did you try asking your friend if something was wrong? I can’t imagine that that’s the case. Maybe something’s going on with him that he just didn’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone. I enjoyed this read, as I always do. Take good care, my friend. I’m looking forward to seeing you soon! Hey, drop me a note and let me know how much time you’ll have on the day we meet! No pressure, promise! xoxo

  • Tom Shed

    It seems to me there is weight to carrying someones burden. If you guess what is going on in their world, their mind, more weight. If you are ambiguous about your conclusions, more weight. Man, that would give anyone a headache. I really like the work out every day idea. Physically balancing body chemistry is always better than modern pharmaceuticals, as long as it works. First things first.

  • Donna Jacobson

    Hi again,
    I am an agoraphobic and an anitdepressant saved my life and opened my front door. Lots of things helped but it is the medication that balances those chemicals in the brain and blocked the panic attacks and helped with anxiety and depression. It literally changed my life, if you give it a chance.

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