discharged from roosevelt hospital. e.k.g., enzymes, blood sugar, platelets, liver function, pancreas, kidneys are all normal. it’s not a stroke, it’s not a heart attack, it’s not a collapsed lung, a wayward pancreas, a liver in revolt. why i should be in agony for thirty six hours, feeling like a sword has been plunged into my chest is a mystery medical science is not yet able to solve. but the solution? intravenous ativan and as it entered my veins i thought “noooo!” because i have worked so hard to be free of this drug and then “please, yes” as the sword–like excalibur by arthur–was pulled from my chest. . . i am without pain, sleepy, and just want to find my way home.
i woke up two days ago and couldn’t shake this feeling that i had been the one to plunge this sword into my own heart.
i have worked very hard to defeat ativan and now i am told it is my master. for a few days, a few months, the rest of my life, i don’t know.
i was first prescribed ativan six years ago while going through a painful separation from my then husband (who is now my ex-husband and one of my closest friends).
a few months ago, i made a commitment to break up with ativan. i saw him a little less, refused his blandishments, told him i didn’t want to go out anymore. i thought he understood. but he’s a seductive pill. sweet talking, seemingly harmless, whispering sweet somethings in my ear. and when he was combined with mr. pinot grigio, i was as pliable as the butter i forgot to put back in the refrigerator after i made the breakfast toast.
what next? i don’t know. i have to go down on my own to the airport, and find my way home. and maybe there, i can shut the door and make the world and its swords and slings and arrows go away.
arlynnpresser 
January 27th, 2013 at 1:57 am
So happy you are going to start your meds again! We need them!
January 29th, 2013 at 3:30 am
I hope you got some rest and are feeling a whole lot better!
January 30th, 2013 at 4:11 pm
I hope you try to get off the meds again but please check with your doctor about how best to go about it.
January 31st, 2013 at 3:44 pm
ArLynn, it’s a dicey business stopping any medication abrubtly. You should work with a doctor to implement a phased drop in dosage. The body is a complex machine.
February 11th, 2013 at 5:53 pm
As much as some ‘hates’ the thought of being on medication, possibly for the rest of their life, it is sometimes necessary for us to be ‘normal’, whatever that is. The acceptance can be difficult and a lengthy process, if it is what one needs, work on the acceptance and lean on your support that are understanding.
Don’t beat yourself up, a therapist once told me so that I accept my recurrent depression; ‘If it is covered by insurance it is a reality, just because you can not see it doesn’t mean it isn’t real’.
I hope this helps, don’t see this as a negative, see yourself as a ‘whole person’, we all need help in one way or another whether it be meds, talking, communicating through technology.
Stay strong and keep your faith:)