Tag Archives: ativan

a sword pulled like excalibur from my chest by my enemy ativan

discharged from roosevelt hospital. e.k.g., enzymes, blood sugar, platelets, liver function, pancreas, kidneys are all normal. it’s not a stroke, it’s not a heart attack, it’s not a collapsed lung, a wayward pancreas, a liver in revolt. why i should be in agony for thirty six hours, feeling like a sword has been plunged into my chest is a mystery medical science is not yet able to solve. but the solution? intravenous ativan and as it entered my veins i thought “noooo!” because i have worked so hard to be free of this drug and then “please, yes” as the sword–like excalibur by arthur–was pulled from my chest. . . i am without pain, sleepy, and just want to find my way home.

i woke up two days ago and couldn't shake this feeling that i had been the one to plunge the sword into my own heart..

i woke up two days ago and couldn’t shake this feeling that i had been the one to plunge this sword into my own heart.

 

i have worked very hard to defeat ativan and now i am told it is my master.  for a few days, a few months, the rest of my life, i don’t know.

i was first prescribed ativan six years ago while going through a painful separation from my then husband (who is now my ex-husband and one of my closest friends).

i was first prescribed ativan six years ago while going through a painful separation from my then husband (who is now my ex-husband and one of my closest friends).

 

a few months ago, i made a commitment to break up with ativan.  i saw him a little less, refused his blandishments, told him i didn’t want to go out anymore.  i thought he understood.  but he’s a seductive pill.  sweet talking, seemingly harmless, whispering sweet somethings in my ear.  and when he was combined with mr. pinot grigio, i was as pliable as the butter i forgot to put back in the refrigerator after i made the breakfast toast.

what next?  i don’t know.  i have to go down on my own to the airport, and find my way home.  and maybe there, i can shut the door and make the world and its swords and slings and arrows go away.


A is for ativan, W is for withdrawal

A is for ativan.

B is for benzodiazepam, its drug classification.

C is for calming when taken.

D is for damned, which is what i have felt like for the last three weeks.

i could go on like this for another 22 letters but except for the W i think i will stop. i have been experiencing ativan withdrawal and it’s like having all the anxiety attacks i have avoided or weaseled out of with ativan have been waiting to be unleashed when i say enough.

ativan

ativan is a drug used to control anxiety and panic disorder.  i have been taking ativan for nearly seven years.  every time i get an uptick in my anxiety level, my doctor puts me on a higher dosage.  three weeks ago, i was taking three milligrams a day and it wasn’t making me feel particularly calm.  but if i didn’t take it, lordy, was i a wreck.

in 2011 i had a new years resolution to meet all 325 of my facebook friends wherever on the planet they might be.  i stopped being afraid of things because i was forced to do things i was afraid of every day of the year--fear of flying, of meeting new people, of leaving my own house.

in 2011 i had a new years resolution to meet all 325 of my facebook friends wherever on the planet they might be. i stopped being afraid of things because i was forced to do things i was afraid of every day of the year–fear of flying, of meeting new people, of leaving my own house.

three weeks ago i made a commitment to quit, which started as a drop down to one milligram and then two weeks ago became a dive off the cliff.  every phobia i have possessed has returned.  every inclination to not leave the house.  and sleep?  fuggedaboutit!  i even felt a fear of posting a blog.  just because i stopped doing it everyday.  i have the shakes.  i have had hideous asthma attacks.  all side effects of withdrawal.  i have given my ativan to a friend who is both close enough that i can get to the ativan in the case of a real emergency and someone i trust to not take all of them.

i can’t wait to tell my doctor that i don’t need a refill, thank you very much.


facebook tanks and so do i!

last week, it was all about the facebook initial public offering (ipo) making billionaires out of the facebook team, about the ipo revitalizing the united states stock market, about investors clamoring for a piece of the $38 per share pie!  facebook was bigger than elvis, jesus, and the beatles combined!

last week, mark’s fiancee priscilla graduated from medical school, he had a birthday, there was the great day when facebook shares were made available to the public for the first time and, of course, there was the wedding. this week? maybe it’s a good idea that mark and priscilla are on their honeymoon. because investors think their honeymoon with facebook is over!

 

shares opened at $38 and have struggled to keep above $32 ever since.  one startling accusation/development has occurred:  jp morgan, morgan stanley and goldman sachs cut their price estimates and VERBALLY advised their largest institutional investors to be wary of the facebook ipo.  the smaller investors were not given the benefit of this advice.  and where did this negativity come from?  the  three companies have indicated that a facebook executive, again VERBALLY, that the facebook financial situation wasn’t all that great and that expected revenues were going to be lower than expected.

there will be investigations, there will be further drops in the stock price, i suspect it will bottom out at $16 per share.  at least, that’s when i’m going to start chipping in.

so a downer day for facebook and a bit of a downer day for me.  i woke up with an anxiety attack  that i tried to ward off with meditation and then with a run.  i tried writing down ten things i was grateful for–a mental exercise that usually does the trick–but i couldn’t get past three before the internal “i’m dying of a heart attack” scream took over.  i caved, and took four ativan.  spent the rest of the day in a  bit of a haze.  but as the great philosopher and femme fatale said “tomorrow is another day!”

and it will be a new day for facebook as well!


thank God it wasn’t paintball!

if i ever move to a new town, i shall take a job with caribou coffee.  within a month, i’m sure i’ll have some friends.  it’s like creating your own facebook profile and friends list from scratch.  also, the pay is pretty darn good, especially when you add in tips (note to i.r.s. there are no tips) and why not starbucks?  oddly, it’s f2fb friend #256 melissa palka who gave me a good reason to not go with the seattle folks.

starbucks was named for the first mate in herman melville's novel moby dick

melissa explained that the rules at starbucks are a bit more rigid than at caribou.  for instance, a starbucks barista is expected to spend no more than thirty seconds interacting with a customer while still trying to establish a personal relationship that will make the customer feel loyalty.  thirty seconds feels like 140 characters–you need more than that.  melissa and i went to lazer quest to work off some caffeine jitters.

when i first separated from my husband, i tried really hard to make time with my sons be special.  it was a guilty parent move.  joseph would fire off all his rounds within the first thirty seconds and retire the field.  younger brother eastman would be quite aggressive but he had a backup that he wasn’t aware of–me–and so he took risks he shouldn’t have.

melissa is a wonderful gal but i think she had cased the joint before we started.  final score:  melissa 121 and me?  a negative 28.  and i fired several rounds into an employee who wasn’t too keen about it. the title of this post says it all.

later, melissa and i had a drink and talked about her ambitions.  she is in line to become a shift manager.  and from there, who knows.  caribou has a lot of room for ambitious baristas.

i drove home feeling pretty good despite the bruising score.  so i was surprised when i woke up the next morning with a case of “don’t go out of the house”. . . an anxiety attack that strangled me all day.  two ativan didn’t make a dent in it.  a hot shower provided no relief.  i watched several episodes of glee and that didn’t do anything.  i listened to a meditation tape.  i tried to walk to the workout room.  but i turned around after a block.  i was just too scared.

and it weirded me out because i kept thinking “i’ve been around the world!”  somehow i thought i had fundamentally changed.  it felt like defeat that i hadn’t.  later in the day, i forced myself out the door.  i walked towards the grocery store and on the way met jo caylor who is yes a f2fb friend but also someone from the neighborhood.  she asked me why i was shaking so much.  i started to talk, was pretty much incoherent.  she did what anybody should do to me when they see me like this.  she gave me a hug.

jo knows someone who is just like me, who gets out of the house even less than i did before i started this project.  i asked her what made this person so afraid.  and jo said “something bad always happens to her when she leaves the house, or at least, that’s what she thinks.”

maybe that’s what i was thinking yesterday.  maybe i just couldn’t think of what the bad thing was.

after seeing jo and walking around for a bit, i went to caribou and said hi to melissa!