Tag Archives: f2fb

September 10, 2011

i will move up your legs until i meet resistance!

By arlynnpresser

as a pick up line, it’ll get you to third base but you ain’t gonna make it to home.  coming from a t.s.a. agent while she’s snapping her blue plastic gloves, it was enough to give me a serious case of the swoons.  i was in a plexiglass cage at the albany airport security gate, with helga (she didn’t have a nametag but i would lay a benjamin down for her being a helga).  four male agents were positioned around the cage.

“i will move up your legs until i meet resistance,”  she said and she crouched before me.  grabbing one of my ankles.

i did what any catholic girl would do, i snapped my knees together.

karl and joe really were a lot of fun! i liked montreal but maybe not the authorities! brandon got a speeding ticket on the way back and is now on a registry for canadian criminals because he refuses to pay the fine. i won't go back either, except to visit bruce byfield in vancouver

helga’s hands were strong, the fingers seeking flesh that was fecund, lush, malleable.  that’s when she hit third base, just beyond the lace edge of my thong panty.  for those of you who are not up on your lingerie technicalities, a thong panty is a cross between a g-string and a tanga panty.  victoria’s secret puts out an academic journal that serves as a catalog AND an educational tool.

in any event, her fingers flickered just a bit under the lace and i thought, “jeez, this gal hasn’t asked me to dinner, hasn’t told me i’m pretty, or even kissed me!”  after repeating the process on my other leg (did i imagine that she lingered a bit too long?), she said i could go.

truth is i was really shook up.  and i came home to review my run-ins with canadian and american authorities.  i had a serious case of the doubts.  but i couldn’t give in just yet, because i was having lunch with f2fb friend #209 tim smithe.

tim smithe was friends with joseph and eastman all through middle school and high school.  he did plays with them, played in bands with them, and probably got into all sorts of trouble with them that i am blessed to not know about.  but after tim graduated from high school and went to missouri for college, the story faltered.  keeping up with facebook, i was able to get the general drift:  he had a rough patch, he moved out to los angeles, he came back and fell in love, and last i heard he was working at the nordstrom’s ladies shoes department.  now THIS was a f2fb encounter i could appreciate!!!

however, tim has moved on from nordstrom’s.  he works at careerbuilder.com.  he has an apartment in the city.  he has a fabulous girlfriend.   he wears a suit like he owns the city.  we went to the midtown grille and caught up.  i am so happy to know him.

tim's father and two uncles own walter e smithe furniture company. i respect how tim is making his own way in the world, even though i'm sure the smithe company would love to have him working there!

tim was interested in my new years resolution and asked a lot of questions.  i mentioned that some of my facebook friends whom i meet are going through tough times, particularly when they lose their jobs.  i wondered if tim, as a careerbuilder.com professional, had any advice–

i was so happy to see tim and he mentioned a way that he has been affected by my facebook project.  he said that sometimes he’s overwhelmed by messages and posts and notifications on facebook and sometimes he says to himself “i’ll get to that message later”.  he’s making a resolution of his own–to follow up more quickly with people.  i admire that!

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September 5, 2011

my near death facebook experience

By arlynnpresser

i did not want to go to iowa.  there were clouds.  there was a bad feeling in my chest.  there was an as yet unfinished book of montaigne essays on my bed. there are monsters, ufo’s, snakes, planes and automobiles out there in the world.  staying home seemed just the prudent thing to do.

but f2fb friend #206 had done the most amazing thing–she moved from wyoming to bellevue, iowa.  maybe not specifically to make my new year’s resolution of meeting all my facebook friends easier but who’s to know what motivates people?  in any event, i had to work it to get out of the house.

some of my friends have given me talismans to help me with my travels. f2fb friend #59 is the biographer of william clark, who is my f2fb friend#60. i take this clark doll with me on my travels along with a hedgehog given to me by f2fb friend #110 jeff barnes

i had never met julianne.  but she is an admirer of my facebook friend lanny jones, who is the biographer for william clark.  julianne is a writer of some note and a professor at the university of wyoming.

i packed the car.  i thought about backing out.  of the trip.  of the garage.  i was using a garmin gps system that is a talisman given to me by a nonfacebook friend who has been following my journeys.  the garmin “jack” guided me not along the expected highways but rather on a journey that took through short streets, alleyways, alongside cemeteries, through medical complexes–i made note of many emergency rooms i could have visited–and finally onto a bridge or a part of the road where the rains were swelling a river so profoundly that i was unsure whether i would be washed away.  that’s when i really freaked.  i tried to call my sons.  or text them to say goodbye.  but i couldn’t find my phone.   i did find my flip camera.  warning:  this video shouldn’t be watched unless you watch the next video as well!!!!

so i took one ativan, four zantacs, and eight pepcids.  i waited until someone on the other side of the road/bride crossed through the water.  i proceeded.  i probably freaked out julianne and her husband ron when i arrived because they promptly had me sit on the sofa with archie.

i tried to persuade archie to take a few training classes, get a blue “service dog” vest and come with me around the world!

julianne and her husband ron have hit the restart button their lives.  while julianne will continue to teach online at the university, they have their feet firmly planted in bellevue.  they only got to town in june but already they’ve made a lot of new friends.  julianne has some ideas about how to make friends, not just facebook friends–

julianne gave me a book she wrote — jukeboxes & jackalopes:  a wyoming bar journey.  she had to travel throughout wyoming on business as ron–a renowned artist–photographed the state.  she used the time to hang out in bars (a quite reasonable endeavor) and learn about the individual towns.  oddly, there is much to be learned from a town’s bars.  and other environs.  the couple told me that their new town is very communal in its eating habits.  one could dine out every night of the week at a church social, a kiwani’s fundraiser, an arts council after hours.

the pig roast of the day was preceded by a "polka" mass. i find religious services very cool, even if they're not of my faith

 

on my way home, i didn’t rely on the garmin gps.  instead, i thought i would use the atlas.  i ended up veering south towards kentucky and was hopelessly lost.  i plugged the garmin “jack” back in and he reassured me that he could get me home.  i am happy to be here now.  even if i’m packing for montreal.  whoops, these two friends have not been so considerate as to move closer. . . .

i told julianne that i embroidered this and that i had it framed and because i didn't want to embarrass her with my many talents, i put a tag on the back of the frame that said that an embroidery company had made this. plus a price tag. do you think she believes me?

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September 2, 2011

not that fargo

By arlynnpresser

so i could have said anything:  food poisoning, my dog died, car accident, traffic (related), family drama,  sudden call from the president asking for advice on foreign relations.

oh, but there would be 1. no, 2.  don’t have a dog, 3.  uh, didn’t didn’t actually get into a car, 4.  good one, vague, but actually, no, and 5. i’m not sure he needs or wants my advice.

mr. f2fb friend #205 bill wedan was performing in a concert on saturday night.  i prepared.  i was dressed.  keys on the kitchen counter.  mapquest printed out.  jack the gps dude performing back up.

and i thought i can’t.  because i will have a heart attack on the highway, explode spontaneously, anaphylaxic shock, uh oh, it’s the usual stuff i do.  but i gave in.  this year has been about not giving in.  about going out.  doing it.  meeting the friends, seeing the world, getting it all done.

gosh, this is from a party where i met f2fb friend #197 terri wojak for the first time. i should learn to keep my eyes open!

 

so, i stood up mr. f2fb friend #205 at his concert.  for the first time, i decided to not use an excuse.  instead, i wrote him and said “i’m sorry.  i had a big anxiety attack and there was no way i was going to get out of the house.”

i’ve never thought that somebody could say “okay” to that.

he did.

i’ve had a few rough days but i got out there, and i picked up bill wedan at his home on fargo avenue in chicago.

this is the home bill wedan grew up in and now that his parents have passed, he is in charge

 

he offered to pick me up at my house for lunch this afternoon.  i decided it was a wrong idea.  i need to go out into the world.  even as far as fargo.  avenue.  but also, i needed to apologize.  he accepted graciously.

i wonder if some of us occasionally (or not so occasionally) make up excuses.  this was one time when i didn’t.

it was okay.

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August 22, 2011

almost at the two hundred mark, a southern excursion!

By arlynnpresser
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so, in woodstock, georgia they have a dwarf house. unfortunately, it was a sunday and it was closed.

i don’t know why woodstock, georgia would have a dwarf house, but everything about woodstock was a little surreal.  mostly because i came into town at four thirty in the morning after eighteen hours of being tossed about by the airline like a hacky sack.  who knew that the quickest route to woodstock, georgia was drink beer in the airport lounge for three hours, fly to miami, repeat the beer process, fly to atlanta and then rent a car to drive?

but i love woodstock in particular because i got to see f2fb friend #198 dale morgan.  i went to college with dale back when both of us had long, curly, out of control hair.  he was a philosophy major, i was history.

i felt sort of dopey because i started to tell his kids all about how he won the philosophy major of the year award when we both graduated in 1981.  it turns out i was wrong.  he did not actually win that award although i could have sworn that in june of 1981 we were sitting next to each other in north central college’s auditorium when they announced his name.

he has done very well for himself–a beautiful wife, three children who joined us for lunch (what kid is willing to do that????), and a gorgeous house.  dale was cool in college and he is cool even today.

dale, susan, chelsea, duncan and dylan morgan (oh, and i'm in the back there too!)

then me and the boy scouts got in the car and headed for huntsville, alabama–home to two facebook friends jonathan boyd and samuel scruggs!

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August 17, 2011

patti needs a tim crawford day every week!

By arlynnpresser

f2fb friend #195 patti schmidt is probably the single most consistent family friend to my boys joseph and eastman.  she works at the winnetka community house devising programs to keep children entertained and educated.   when my boys were growing up, they might run into patti four times a week and every year we do the haunted house together!  i am VERY good at spooking little kids.

i wanted so much to go to one of the fantasy dance classes or the little miss tea parties she devises, but she told me that, at 51 years, i was just forty six years too damn old.

instead, we had our toes painted.  she got blue, i did sparkly silver.  i told her about f2fb friend #73 tim crawford who makes once a week a “tim crawford day” with some attention to grooming, car care, relaxation.  with tim, i had a pedicure too–and he suggested that more people should take one day out of seven to totally devote themselves to themselves.

patti lives at her parental home and her mother has alzheimer’s.  her mother’s disease has progressed so much that she doesn’t really recognize her family members and she can’t care for her personal needs.  patti’s devotion–the devotion of the entire family–is predicated and motivated by the memory of all that mom did before.  the care she gave.  the dinners she made.  the sicknesses she nursed her children through.  the time she took to teach patti and her siblings how to tie a shoe, to ride a bike, to weather a first romantic upset.

patti cares for her mother weekday nights after work and also gives up at least one weekend day for fulltime care.  would i do that for my mom?  my mom put me up for adoption when i was three–if she appeared at my doorstep?  maybe.  and that’s a very soft maybe.

patti needs a once a week “tim crawford day”.

frenchie was the daughter of f2fb friend #99 cristina persico who lost both frenchie and frenchie’s father in the course of one year.  the entrance of the community house has a reminder of the persico family, but also of the entire town’s ability to rally for its citizenry.

i had a great time giggling and gossiping with patti, but i realized that i need to do it more often.  patti gets one hour a day for lunch and sure it’s great to head out for some pampering in her circumstances.  but it’s me who needs it.  i need that friendship.  so i’m making a commitment to seeing patti more often.  if only because OPI sparkle me silver nail polish won’t last forever!

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August 13, 2011

stats for the dog days

By arlynnpresser

f2fb friend #193 cindy dillon can't drive anywhere in her sidecar without someone wanting to take a picture of her guys with "dog-gles"

december 31, 2010–a new years resolution to meet every facebook friend

december 31, 2009–a new years resolution to lose five pounds

weight on december 31, 2009–138 pounds

possible fate if this new years resolution left uncompleted–will stay at home and eat chocolate, watch movies, and drink white wine until i’m three hundred pounds

friends on december 31, 2010–according to facebook, 325

weight on december 31, 2010–138 pounds

weight on august 12, 2011–140 pounds (okay, what-evs!)

facebook friends i have visited this calendar year–193

facebook friends i will meet before december 31–132

facebook friends i have defriended–1 (gilbert gottfried)

facebook friends who have defriended me–2

facebook friends i had never met before this calendar year–9

facebook friends whom i have never met before and who have made it a condition of meeting them that i come to their home by myself (preferably with a bottle of white wine) –2

facebook friends i might actually not ever meet–at least 2

ativan refills–too many to count

days i wake up and think that this is the stupidest new years resolution ever–223

facebook friends who have asked for complete anonymity–1 (friend #88)

facebook friends who are actually dead–1 (#60 william clark)

facebook friends who are actually cats–1 (#95 nipper castino)

facebook friends who have confided or announced they are or have been in a twelve step program for alcohol, drugs, gambling or sex addiction–24

casinos i have visited during the year–1 and it was omaha and i was horribly overdressed and don’t think i could ever work up an addiction to gambling if it’s going to include slot machines and women with t-shirts announcing “world’s greatest grandma” when i want it to be all rat pack and martinis

airports i like–charlotte, north carolina and laguardia, new york

cities i overused my asthma inhaler in–mexico city, houston, new york

cities where i brought tornadoes–cedar rapids, chapel hill, blue springs, kearney (in kearney i waited out a tornado in a beer locker, that wasn’t so bad!)

times i have flown without either alcohol or ativan in me–once, and i still haven’t cashed in on the bet that made that happen

airline i will never use again–spirit

airline i like–united

facebook friends who have confided that they are or were sleeping with another facebook friend of mine–14

facebook friends who have confessed they have an expired sticker on their car–1 and i totally understand that, i have gotten two tickets because of that

facebook friends who have prayed for me in a laying on of hands–5 and in both the christian and the reiki healing tradition

hospital visits for anxiety attacks this year–2

new skills i have learned from facebook friends–boxing, opening champagne bottles with saber swords, weight lifting, painting fishnet stockings on one’s legs with magic markers, zumba, opera singing, hoisting a main sail

f2fb friend #193 cindy dillon was given her sidecar as a present by her husband--i am not as cute as a dog with "doggles"

facebook friends i have regretted meeting–3

facebook friends who have regretted meeting me and have asked me to delete a post–1 (and i did and we have rescheduled seeing each other)

facebook friends who are relatives–5 (6 if you count ex-wives of ex-husbands)

new years resolution for december 31, 2011–i don’t know but whatever it is, i believe i will accomplish it because i have discovered about myself that i am stubborn and while i will probably never lose the five pounds i will finish what i have started which is something i never thought about myself before.

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August 9, 2011

i am disqualified from being a theater critic and i worry

By arlynnpresser

on sunday i drove to the steppenwolf theater for a staged reading of the bill thomas elizabeth doyle musical “duo: 1 is 1; 2 is math”.  i was taking with me f2fb friends #190 and 191, naomi koppelman and nicole kupper.

both naomi and nicole had worked with my sons in theater a few short months ago.  okay, maybe a year or two ago.  all right, when we added it up, it became clear that six years had gone by.  in that time, both women had found long term boyfriends, had had children (naomi one, nicole three) and had wrestled with whether to marry (naomi will do so in october, nicole is not so sure).  i thought “wow,  if i only keep up with my friends on facebook, i’m not getting the whole story” — like the fact that nicole’s baby daddy is a musician from ghana.  or that naomi’s fiance is a boat captain.  or that naomi was in tony and tina’s wedding, only the funnest show in chicago theater. or that the economy worried them so much.  well, that last part was an easy one, since EVERYBODY is worried about the economy.

nicole kupper

the play duo was about an older, middle class couple looking back on their marriage.  there was no dance number, there wasn’t any secondary character who steals the show.  there wasn’t much of a plot, as near as i could tell.  just a lot of sondheim-y kind of music–the sort that makes me think “are they offkey?”

naomi was briefly retired from the stage but is auditioning again--i wish her luck!

as i was coming home, i was feeling melancholy about my own failed marriage.  it failed because of me, because i wasn’t as good of a wife as i could have been.  i feel bad about that.  and then i had a wonderful surprise:  my friend from high school, zeeb peterson, had recently contacted me on facebook.  he and his wife beth would be in town.  they parked their van outside my house.  they live in it when they travel and they are always together, sharing the pagan lifestyle and their artwork.   i am very happy for them!

much of the year, the petersons live in this van and drive it around the country promoting their line of fairy furniture and artwork . . . go to feywood.net

i also was quite worried.  a facebook friend i had visited with a week and a half ago had left me a phone message sometime while i slept.  she was worried that a video we had made of her somehow cast her in a bad light.  i wasn’t sure what video she was referring to and i asked her to call me back. i delete anything that people don’t like.  one f2fb friend didn’t want it to be mentioned that she had been a man at one point in our relationship.  and although i think every single person who knows her knows the whole story, i changed mine so that it never happened.  another friend told a funny story about her ex-husband but then decided he might get upset.   so far i haven’t figured out what my friend wants to do–she hasn’t called me back.  but i worried if i have hurt anyone with this project when all i’ve wanted to do was fulfill my new years resolution.

i think nicole was happy after the theater because the show reminded her that she has the talent to create great musicals.  naomi was happy because stephanie hurovitz added her to a general mailing list stephanie sends out with audition notices.  stephanie was happy because naomi was going to set her up with some gentlemen callers.  zeeb and beth were happy because a woman stopped her car next to their van and wanted to buy some of their artwork.  and i was happy because i had seen my friends!

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August 4, 2011

i have a new man in my life

By arlynnpresser

f2fb friend #186 sonali srinath walks into the bar and EVERYBODY stares.  she wears a pink dress and a smile that makes you feel like someone very gently reached into your chest and replaced your heart with tiny firecrackers.  she’s confident and bold, dainty and mischievous. i hadn’t seen much of her since five years ago when i directed her in a benefit show but i figured she has always been this way.  i didn’t realize that she had been hiding a world of hurt.

pink is the navy blue of india! or at least, that's what diana vreeland said.

her twenty year marriage broke up and when she thought there would never be another love for her, she found him–the one–on an indian matrimonial website.  he’s a tamil brahmin and they have been married for slightly more than a year.  i am so happy for them both!

however, i have my own new man in my life too–

jack was given to me by a nonfacebook friend who read about my inability to get anywhere without getting lost along the way.  i am grateful.  i am grateful to all my facebook and nonfacebook friends who have helped me.  today i am also thinking of my gratitude to ben gonzalez, marissa durbin, max tam, and mc kato for creating a page on facebook that’s just for my project.  f2fb is a page that you can like and share.  although i’m still unsure whether like and share mean the same thing as what they meant when we were young and foolish and didn’t have facebook.

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July 27, 2011

the flash mob f2fb party

By arlynnpresser

f2fb friend #181 john howard is an actor.  extremely talented.  appears on chicagoland’s many stages every season.  acting, of course, is just a day job so he can support his true love insurance brokerage.  some of the best actors in the industry–clooney, de niro, penn, nicholson–would trade in all their oscars for a chance to work the insurance angle.

john deals almost exclusively with insuring aviation materials–he does not share my fear of flying but he respects it.  we can’t choose our family and we can’t choose our phobias.  but i have been on so many flights this year that i think my phobia regarding flying is choosing to not be with me.

john is originally from england but he became an american citizen after a run of the musical 1776 about the founding of our country.  it truly inspired me:

we talked a bit about the king’s speech and i was surprised when john explained that the movie caused him some anxiety because he himself suffered from a stuttering problem.  we then talked about king edward vii who abdicated, making way for the stuttering king george vi.  howard had some interesting theories about how the course of history would have been changed if edward, a notorious nazi sympathizer, had remained on the throne.

in getting ready to see howard, he posted his address on his wall so that i would know where i was going.  a few people commented, including indicating their drink preferences.  so i dutifully brought diet coke NO caffeine.  but the flash mob f2fb party did not develop.  instead, john and i joined a party for the birthday of his church choir director.  i tell you, i live large!  and there’s enough diet coke no caffeine in the howard house for when they really do have a party!

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July 12, 2011

the cinderella of winnetka

By arlynnpresser

this cinderella is NOT my facebook friend!

my f2fb friend #170 carol hansen is a real life cinderella!  she tells everyone that it is so and everyone believes her.  carol was a single mother living in a small apartment in winnetka, sewing and designing dresses for village matrons to support her daughters.  then she met her prince–a recently divorced winnetka father.  bluntly, she wanted to marry him.  equally blunt in his declarations, he was not interested in remarriage.

but without the help of a fairy godmother, carol set about her seduction in the most creative fashion.  once, she planned a birthday party a deux in which she donned the uniform she had worn as a flight attendant in her twenties.  she made him comfortable in first class seating.  brought out dinner on a tray and showed an inflight movie about their destination of aruba.

carol and i first met each other when we volunteered on behalf of the winnetka community house.  carol has moved to volunteering more on behalf of political causes including planned parenthood funding.  she is always conscious of the struggles of young women.

we share a special bond because when she was young, she was pregnant and gave up her child for adoption.  that daughter has recently come back into her life.  we share our perspectives on adoptive children reconnecting with parents.  it’s difficult to blend our past with our present and future selves.

lunch with cinderella wouldn’t be the same without the crown–so i brought two and let myself believe in the princess inside of me.

i admire carol so much and she was so supportive of my new years resolution.  she is a cinderella who is grateful for what she has and for what she can give to others.  i want to be more like carol!

i found this glass slipper on my front porch the next morning!

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