Tag Archives: heaven

you will be assumpted into heaven in a lincoln town car. . .

. . . driven by a man named robert who will call you ma’am. well, at least he called me ma’am.  and he let me change the channel on the radio and turn it up real loud when pink was singing “raise your glass” and let me turn it down when the news came on.

of course, i took my fiance william clark (f2fb friend #60)!

i have mentioned many times over the past nine months my conviction that i will go to hell after i die.  about how anxiety attacks and fear for me are wrapped up in the certainty that this event is happening right now!

but what would it be like if i believed i were going to heaven?  the angel of death came to my house around one o’clock and his name was robert.  he drove me in a lincoln town car down to a television studio.  i was shown into a dressing room where a feast was laid out and two very beautiful producers asked me if i needed anything and told me i was just great.  then a makeup man did my face and a gal did my hair.  because everybody wanted me to look my best.  and then we waited.

when i was told by the stage manager that it was my turn i realized i had almost forgotten why i was in this place.  she led me into the back of a stage area.  i could see through curtains a couple of hundred people.  cameras at every angle.  lights full on the stage with such ferocity that i was sure i would be blinded.  the stage manager told me to go forward, into the arena.  all by myself.  i was afraid but i remembered the letter to the hebrews which scholars believe may have been written by paul, barnabas, apollos, silas, aquila, pricilla or clement of rome.  whoever it was had to be an athlete, possibly in training for a marathon.  because at one point the writer says “where seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin which doth so easily beset us and let us run with confidence* the race that is set before us.”

i realized my biggest fear was that i would trip in my heels.  i held out my hand.  a very nice person who seemed to be in charge of women who are afraid of tripping in heels took my hand and guided me to a chair next to the chair of a very nice woman who asked me how i was feeling.  i said great.

the cloud of witnesses quieted.  we watched a short video about the f2fb project.  after the video, the woman seated next to me asked some questions.  i realized that everybody wanted me to succeed–from robert the angel town car driver to person in the last row of seats.  there was no accusation in the questions the woman next to me posed.  there was no derision or judgment from the audience.  i had been paralyzed with fear for two days just thinking of this very moment but i had no need of that.  there was a great sense of “this is kind of fun and maybe interesting”. . . . and there were three f2fb friends there as well!  that was the most astonishing part.

paddy seymour (f2fb friend #214), cathy jacobson (213), me, and cindy clohesy (214)  i was so amazed that they were there!


cindy clohesy (f2fb friend #212) is a personal trainer and she had cancelled some client time just to be with me–she’s the brunette with the blue blouse.  cathy jacobson (f2fb friend #213) is wearing pink.  she is on her way to las vegas lucky gal!!!  and paddy seymour (f2fb friend #214) is on the left–she drove home with me.

suddenly, it was over.  the woman beside me shook hands, kissed my cheek and the world was awash with goodbyes and “great segment”!  i think heaven, should i ever be so lucky and blessed, would be a review of one’s life and deeds without the criticism and angst i bring to things.  and then i shall be part of a cloud of witnesses.  i don’t think this “great segment” will ever air but i believe it taught me so much about how silly i am.

i came home and fell asleep well before eight thirty because i had invested so much unnecessary fear and anxiety into the enterprise.  i woke up thinking it was time to start my day, thinking my phone was broken because it said it was only one a.m.  but it really was one a.m.  it was time to drink the last half of the beer i had started at eight fifteen and very quietly, without any cloud of witnesses save for that of angels, think “okay, i can do things i’m afraid of if i ask for help from my friends” . . . .

*some translations use the word “patience”  instead of confidence. what-evs!

the spiritual third grader gets a lesson

spiritually, i’m a third grader.  i believe in a God that has a white beard and is pretty pissed off at me most of the time.  i believe in a hell where it’s hot and smells like burning tires.  i believe in a Jesus who died on the cross for our sins but i have some sympathy for judas because without him there’d be no crucifixion.

one of the things i’ve really liked about meeting my facebook friends is that i get turned on to spiritual aspects of their personalities.   i’ve had two different experiences of laying on of hands by facebook friends–one in the christian tradition and one in the reiki tradition.  the latter made me feel like i was settling into a state of grace, but that was just because f2fb friend cathy mccormick and i were on manhattan beach and my heels were sinking into the sand.  i’ve been to services and meditations, i’ve heard people tell me about their spiritual quests–everybody tries so hard to make sense of the material world by reaching for what’s beyond it.

i often experience anxiety as a premonition of my own death.  and because God is up there in heaven so pissed off i’ve got a ticket to smell the sulfur and feel the flames.  and sometimes i think that the walls of my house protect me from God’s omniscience.  like if i’m at home, he gets distracted and starts being pissed off at someone else.

my f2fb friend #182 chris johnson is an actor, a father, a husband, a business owner, and a sunday school minister for the third, fourth, and fifth graders of kenilworth union church.  i went to one of the services and later, chris took me on a tour of the church.

chris is a perfect spiritual teacher for me.  he says i should just chill out.  there is a God, he created me and he loves me just as he created and loves everyone else.  and he knows we try our hardest.  it’s a message that he has to repeat every sunday in many different incarnations for the children he ministers to.  i have a feeling that i might need to ask him again for that message.  i only wish i could play catacombs too!