all stories about suicide, adultery, drunkenness, addiction, failure, unrequited love, bad financial planning, greed, envy, impotence and incontinence begin with the words “i have this friend”  which is code for “me”.  but really, i have this friend.

on facebook, there’s a lot of concern about privacy.  people have told me they won’t use facebook because they’re concerned enough that–regardless of the privacy settings they might place on their accounts–facebook is watching.  and using their information.  storing their information.  sharing their information.   there is even concern about potential employers asking for passwords to facebook, myspace, linkedin, and other social media accounts as a condition of employment.

remember when your cousin tagged you in a picture in the album “just another friday night in the hood”? mr. boss man will not click “like” and that’s why some states have passed social media protections so that employers are not allowed to ask for passwords. i’m sure they’ll figure out that your password is “studly” and they’re going to find this anyhow.

i live by the rule that nothing is private on facebook.  of course, there isn’t a lot a just over the border of fifty years woman is doing that’s scandalous.  like, okay, i get tagged in a photo from the album “woman’s board organizational meeting”.

but my friend.  i was starting a story about a friend and it’s really about a friend.  really.  absolutely really.  it’s about the words you can’t say on facebook.

on george carlin’s 1972 comedic album “class clown” he delivered a monologue about the seven dirty words — shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.– that you can’t say on television. the monologue and its presentation on the radio (uncensored) led to the supreme court setting new limits on the federal communications commission.

so my friend has a way of expressing herself.  and twice in the past week she expressed frustration over her email account not working and the second time over the olympics opening ceremony.  her lexicon including “kill myself”. . . and facebook took notice.  when she opened her facebook account there was a message from the team.

Samaritans Home Page

http://www.samaritans.org

Samaritans provides confidential emotional support 24/7 to those experiencing despair, distress or suicidal feelings.

the friend who expressed concern is mr. algorithm.  the same mr. algorithm that seems to know that i want to see ads for wrinkle cream and ways to get rid of belly fat.  when i open my facebook account, the ads are on the margins, reminding me of my mortality.

so my friend was upset when her email account wasn’t working and who wasn’t as impressed with the olympics opening ceremony as director danny boyle would have liked her to be.  and we both learned that the seven words you can’t use on facebook unless you want the good samaritans of the u.k. or the u.s. to contact you.  sometimes you’ll have to add the word “myself’.  julio from the facebook team will be sending you a note of concern.

kill, shoot, off, hang, seppuku, do. . . in.

maxwell smart had a cool phone in his shoe in the 1960s series “maxwell smart”. . . but you carry surveillance equipment with you all the time. let’s face it, your phone allows the government to track your location, your spending habits, your interests, and your habits. smart? yeah, your phone is smart!

my friend’s experience was pretty creepy.  but have you had an experience with this?

and just in case this catches you at a bad moment, the samaritans really are here to help.  their homepage is http://www.samaritans.org/