Archives: 2011

April 13, 2011

my day begins with a kiss from nipper castino!

By arlynnpresser

i had the best birthday surprise planned out for eastman (f2fb #1) who is far away in oberlin, ohio–i was driving to gurnee to meet with facebook friend julie halpern who was his sixth grade teacher. unlike these friends of mine who put me through physical torture, she wanted to eat waffles and sing happy birthday on a video to be posted for the within hours nineteen year old.

also, if i met with her AND with nipper castino in one day, my trip to chapel hill tomorrow would result in one of the eastman daughters being f2fb friend #100! what a milestone! i’ve stuck with this new year’s resolution to meet every facebook friend! next year, i can make a resolution to lose five pounds!

then i started the car.

well, actually, that’s the point. i didn’t start the car. my car is in the garage doing a perfect imitation of a working vehicle–instead, it is more like an objet d’art to be admired, viewed, photographed and it ain’t going to take me places. my car’s battery was dead.

then i got the bright idea to make eastman a video of ME singing happy birthday. surely he would like it almost as much as julie singing and with the benjamin franklin playing card i sent him he’d be bound to get all gushy with sentiment. that’s when i found out that my flip camera wasn’t working. oh, and my phone wasn’t either.

then i did what any reasonable girl would do–i said that’s it, i give up, i’ll take a day off from the world. i remembered i had an appointment with nipper. nipper castino lives about twenty minutes away. if you have a car.

i decided i have to choose between thinking of this project as an “oh gosh this is silly” project and “damnit, this is going to get done” project. i put on my walking shoes. i had a very nice chat with myself with a lot of positive affirmations, like “i’m positive i’m a jerk” and “i’m positive that every other person on the planet knows how to organize their lives better than i do” and “i’m positive that this project is a disaster and stupid to boot”.

then i met nipper castino, f2fb friend #95. this is a cat with his own facebook profile. he has ninety friends. including me. i brought him catnip.

nipper lives with the castino family which includes f2fb friend #6 chris castino who has been one of the early “you can do it” galpals. nipper’s cat siblings are lexy (who declined to meet me) and mini (who wanted that catnip). there are three castino daughters, one of whom–michelle–gets a photo credit here. she is the administrator of nipper’s facebook page. another of my friends–elmore leonard–has an administrator for his page. i do my own work.

we had a bonding moment. i was utterly distracted from myself. and while i was at the castino home i got a call from bob banks of the knauz dealership that sold me the mini. my little car is going to the dealership hospital. i’m working out all the kinks in my technologies. . . .

i am having a wonderful day. it just started a little later than i figured. it started with a kiss from a friend!

and here’s this for you, eastman–

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April 12, 2011

i get some girl on girl action and my father justin makes a surprise announcement

By arlynnpresser

i was ready for a spiritual moment and that was what f2fb friend #93 dee dee chesley promised me: hot yoga at namiya. a mat, ninety degrees, a few “om’s” and maybe a “namaste” and i could get a nap in. what could possibly be more spiritual? i was going to be just like madonna or julia roberts. self-actualized, well rested, serene, and hot.

instead the instructor dorrie guided us through an hour and a half game of twister. at one point, she asked us to do what she described as what would happen if a headstand and a handstand fell in love and had a baby. i had to move my mat away from everybody else because i kept falling over and women were quite rightly worried about their safety. and of course there was the show off yoga gal who was doing things that nature did not intend to be done with the human body. however, dee dee is very cool. i just need to learn photoshop so i can put my head on her body and then you’d think i was pretty damn talented.

dee dee has two sons as i do and our paths have crossed a lot over the years. she is starting a new career in early childhood education. she is a cancer survivor and somebody who has learned how to start over.

speaking of starting over, my father justin possibly regrets having put me up for adoption when i was three years old. but today, he called me to say that he’s considering moving in with me for a while as a way of starting our relationship over. this was a bit of a surprise to me–but he said that he wanted to get to know me and he felt like he never did that when he had the chance, that is twenty five years ago when i tracked him down with the help of a private detective. i’m not sure how i feel about this development since the last time i saw him was in the lobby of his apartment building when he was accusing me of being a “super conman” who had disabled his car and had brought f2fb #32 reggie gholston into his life. he claimed that reggie was not, in fact, a captain in the united states army but rather a male prostitute.

so i decided to go out with diana tucker for a walk and a talk. she is one of my closest friends and it was an afterthought that she is also my facebook friend. i guess she’s number #94–we can talk about anything but she doesn’t like to have her picture taken. oddly, she also doesn’t like to have a fuss made over her birthday. i'[m still furious that winnetka doesn’t have a parade for my birthday.

tallulah, on the other hand, is a bit of an attention seeker. unfortunately, i’m allergic to dogs and now have a blister on my mouth. if i don’t die of anaphylactic shock i’ll be seeing a very special friend who has a message for eastman’s birthday tomorrow.

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April 11, 2011

i get sucker punched by f2fb friend #92

By arlynnpresser

there are two incontrovertible truths i learned this morning: one, never allow yourself to be taken in by a sweet old lady saying “we’re just a bunch of seniors trying to get a bit of exercise.” second, i dance like a white chick. a white like the underbelly of a fish.

jo caylor is a very sweet gal who lives a few blocks from me. we move in some of the same circles so i might see her and her husband at a party. we might chat or we might exchange a bit of gossip. on facebook, jo often has a saucy comment or a question about why everyone is lol-ing or lmao-ing. but i don’t spend a lot of time with her or really get to know her. that doesn’t happen on facebook or at somebody’s kasimir pulaski day party.

she said she wanted to take me to a zumba class. zumba is a latin dance exercise program created by alberto perez who was once a choreographer for shakira. jo said it wouldn’t be too tough because this class was just for seniors. jo is a lifelong dancer, having performed on the paul whiteman television show out of philadelphia. parts of her life sound like hairspray but without baltimore or a drag queen for a mom.

she had a contract with the rockettes when she was fifteen, but alas, she was too short and never quite grew to the minimum five foot six inches required of a rockette. i should have known better than to step into the ring–oh, i mean dance floor.

the class was taught by a perky blonde with no tits and a six pack. it was hate at first sight–but only because she was so damn nice and perfect. argh. i tried to film some of this but it was impossible to hold a camera–i flopped about like i had been pulled from the lake and couldn’t figure out how to stand up in the boat. here’s the aftermath:

well, that taught me something!

jo had a story she wanted to share with me and anybody who can sucker punch me with such elan should be listened to: she said her father was dining at a rooftop restaurant in karachi, india one afternoon. he had ordered a beer and a sandwich. the only other diner was a solitary, unremarkable looking man seated nearby. the beer and the sandwich were delivered. jo’s father reached for the beer. as he took a good long pull, a vulture swept through the dining room, taking both halves of his sandwich in its claws and then alighting out a window. while bemoaning the loss of his sandwich, jo’s father noticed the other diner had placed his napkin over his plate.

“you have to be quick,” the man said.

and that was part of jo’s advice to me this year. be quick and expect vultures to steal your sandwiches. or perhaps, what she really meant was to expect surprises.

and i do!

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April 10, 2011

fb stands for foxy balboa!

By arlynnpresser

p.s. between boxing, roller derby, and watching the movie hanna, i think you should just steer clear of me for a while.

the most wonderful thing about this project is bringing two friends together! my friend lisa jarvis (okay, put a number on her and it’s 91) is a regular at derby lite–an oak park roller derby squad that is the feeder system for the windy city rollers derby team. i thought, hey, why not get her together with jeffrey weber (f2fb #67) who trains many of the girls on the four squad teams (hell’s belles, manic attackers, double crossers and the fury). oddly, the rollers recruited me about five years ago. i declined. they do not carry broken fingernail insurance.

we met at the uic pavilion. jeff was wearing his hell’s belles t-shirt because that’s the squad that the majority of his gals train with. jeff and lisa might make a really good trainer-athlete team. lisa has the name foxy balboa as her game name. you can find her on http://www.facebook.com/pages/Foxy-Balboa/142329419156989?ref=ts

and she suggested that i take the athlete name scarlett o’scara. i’m on it.

tomorrow! me belly dancing? i want to HIDE the video of that. . . l

for more on the windy city gals, go to windycityrollers.com

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April 9, 2011

f2fb gets a new friend . . . . all the way from ireland

By arlynnpresser

hector interview

i was so excited to wake up at one thirty in the morning so i could talk to my friend hector! however, i couldn’t get back to sleep. until just before noon. i’m too old for this sort of thing.

but i need my beauty rest tonight. i’m bringing together two facebook friends tomorrow at roller derby at the uic pavilion! just think–nine more friends and i’ll be meeting friend 100. if i had used this sort of determination at losing weight, i’d be a supermodel!

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April 5, 2011

it wasn’t at all like the movie “my dinner with andre”. ..

By arlynnpresser

no, this had been billed to me as like “million dollar baby” but without the c-1 and c-2 neck injuries. and there would be a dwarf. i was very concerned about boxing with a dwarf. made me think about that rule about hitting below the belt.

i ended up boxing with andre, a ukrainian dude who probably was a bit baffled at being asked to train me and another, ahem, woman of a certain age. here’s my f2fb friend #90 sally
graver.

doesn’t she look like she’s having fun?

in any event, andre gave us quite a workout. i’m beginning to think boxing might actually require a) some quick physical and mental reflexes and b) incredible courage. neither of which i particularly have. okay, the dwarf. i’ll get to the dwarf.

andre worked us for twenty minutes–jump ropes, punching, running, hopping–and i was quite ready to say “thank you very much” and head out for a latte and a light pastry. instead, we were just beginning. here’s my first title match in the ring.

look at me go all fast and furious on him!

okay, the dwarf. i’m getting there. what i noticed is that i work out every day. i run or walk, or weights. i can do an hour on a stairmaster reading magazines that keep me up to date on reality television stars that i don’t even know–like, who the hell is leah messer? why is she having problems with her baby daddy? working out has not made one bit of difference in keeping the weight off or in making me all sleek and buff. but damn, twenty minutes with andre and a bit of ring time. . . .

and sally was pretty damn good too!

okay, the dwarf.

sally has a son david who is a dwarf. having a child always has an element of surprise to it and sally describes her experience as a little like getting on a plane bound for ciampino airport in rome and finding yourself landing in amsterdam. i first met sally when david was still in high school–i organized a birthday party at rotary for him and i didn’t actually get to go to it. but he got his first job from one of the rotary members at the party who was head of the park district. david kept score at youth basketball games. but now he works as security at ultimate fitness boxing club–he was guarding the front desk while us gals were tearing up the joint.

sally is more than just a tough athlete. she told me to remember that having the map is not the same as knowing the terrain. i don’t think she was just talking about the fact that i got lost on my way to the boxing club! thank you sally!

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April 5, 2011

space for a new friend? f2fb friend #88 and 89. .. . but 89 shows up!

By arlynnpresser


i was a little stymied by f2fb friend #88. s/he required complete anonymity. s/he only agreed to meet if i promised to not record or memorialize any part of the experience. so . . . there’s a blank spot at 88. an open slot as it were. i have to ask you to trust me that i actually met with the friend.

it’s weird because i respect all privacy issues. if i meet with a friend and we spend four hours together gossiping, chopping wood blocks, pedicuring, braiding, touring the city, or popping open a champagne bottle with a saber sword–and then the pal says “hey, this is what i don’t want shared” that’s so chill with me. don’t want your picture taken? okay, whatever. no video? sure, but i did just get the flip camera and am so proud of myself for knowing how to use it.

this project is not about creating the record. it’s about having the experience. i started the year as somebody who couldn’t look up at a jet flying overhead without feeling a twinge of fear that i might ever have to venture out of winnetka.

but i have this empty space at 88. is there anybody who wouldn’t mind filling in?

after lunch (whoops, i have indicated the activity i shared with f2fb friend #88!) i played facebook matchmaker. f2fb friend #78 loraine hara yolles invited me and f2fb friend #89 sally stearns mcquillen to her home. i’ve known sally for close to ten years. she is a way cool jeweler–redesigning vintage pieces into stuff that looks great with a t-shirt and jeans or with an evening gown (still waiting on an invitation somewhere so i can WEAR a gown)

loraine has a stash of costume jewelry which has been designed for us gals of the new millennium and me? how wonderful she chose me to be her first spokesmodel!!!! except i have to remember to keep my eyes open when the photographer says “think of chanel!!!!”

next up: boxing–i take to the ring!!!

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April 3, 2011

danger girl! i am now packing heat

By arlynnpresser


i don’t like the idea of carrying a gun. as clumsy as i am, it’s going to go off at the wrong moment and will be aimed in the wrong direction. as in middle of church services and me. pepper spray? my eyes still well up at the memory. but, still, i am now packing heat. i figure i’m traveling a lot–something untoward will perforce happen.

i have placed in my purse a wooden board. it’s roughly the size of my laptop. inch thick. and i’m utterly deadly with it. stand back. be afraid. be very afraid.

i’ve known f2fb friend #87 ron stein for roughly 18 years. that’s because i signed up my older son joseph for karate lessons. i thought being comfortable about defending one’s self is always useful–especially in the mean playgrounds and candy stores of winnetka. ron teaches karate at the community house with frank crzysnowski. both joseph and eastman trained for years with the duo. ron now also provides private lessons to anybody who wants to feel confident about their safety. and he was kind enough to come to the house to give me a private lesson, having expressed some concern that this year, i’m sure to run into some questionable circumstances.

ron knew he couldn’t get me up to bruce lee standards, but he could tell me the most important things a woman should know.

first, be conscious of your surroundings. a lot of times i’m pretty ditzy but when i pay attention i have good instincts about when something is not quite right. not that i act on that instinct, although that brings me to . . . .

second, ron says once you have made the decision that you are in danger. then, strike fast and without any part of you holding back. do so for the purpose of gaining an escape route. in order to emphasize his point, he said this:

i’m hideous at making the decision to cut off the ladylike behavior. to breach the social compact. to say “i don’t care if i hurt your feelings.” there is a moment when i should strike, and in the next several seconds, as the miscreant is reacting in surprise, i should make my escape.

ron said that every female he has taught has been able to slice up a board on the first try. the pressure was on. but what this exercise would teach me is just how much power i can bring to a situation. he had me focus on the exhalation, breathing out at the moment i strike. putting my whole self into that impact.

allrightee!!!!* oddly, i didn’t even break a nail! in fact, my only injury was a splinter i got from jumping around screaming “i did it!” while brandishing the two pieces of wood.

if i can strike like this at an aggressor’s chin or neck or eyes, i have just given myself enough time to either flee or to follow up with a damn good knee to the groin, the latter of which ron seemed to hesitant to have me demonstrate. this showed me, though, how much power the weaker person has in any situation if they make the decision to forget appeasement, negotiation, charm, etc.

of course, i never learn the intended lesson. instead, i have put a board in my purse and if ever anybody threatens me, i will just pull the board and say “hold this”

ron has spent a lot of time in japan and like me wants his japanese friends to know 私達は覚えていてあなたおよび私達がであることをあなたのために考え、祈る!

*special thanks to f2fb #28 tom evans ace camera dude!

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April 2, 2011

the days ahead on f2fb!

By arlynnpresser

am starting to think about the eastern seaboard adventure for f2fb! i have to send out missives to friends lon kieffer, rita bowman, bob garrity, gail marlow, todd stiles, laura resnick, gwen patton, jeff barnes, vince p., and ken kaissar that i’ll be showing up between april 26 and may 4! also, have booked a flight into raleigh for the weekend of april 15 to see facebook friends julie, susan and mike.

but a question: there are plenty of friends i have who are new friends–made since january 1. if i made arrangements to meet them if they are in the same city, would it work? if you’re a facebook friend, particularly a new one, give me a heads up!

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April 1, 2011

f2fb #86 the warrior shopper

By arlynnpresser

there are things my f2fb friend #86 fran fruit can do that i just can’t–one of them being to grocery shop. but that’s because i have a horrible, disgusting, debilitating, shameful secret. i haven’t even read about this in any woman’s magazine.

i sleep eat.

some people snore, walk, talk and mumble in their sleep. i probably do all that but i also go downstairs to the kitchen and eat food. with no memory of having done so. last night i ate a banana, half a package of baby swiss cheese, two hamburger buns, potato chips, spinach dip and an entire solid milk chocolate easter bunny. the only evidence i have of doing this is the crumbs on the bed, the empty packages and peels on the floor around the bed, and that i stepped on cheese when i got out of bed this morning. it’s a wonder i don’t weigh four hundred pounds. so i hope that eastman will not think me a bad parent when i write that i look forward to him going back to school after spring break but only because it will allow me to return the refrigerator to its intended use: to store perfume, nail polish, no more tangles spray, and diet coke.

my friend fran fruit–and her name really is fran fruit–is talented in so many different directions. she’s a photographer and computer genius (although she’s going to email me a correction saying she is opposed to the word genius in this context). she is also a professional taste tester. who better with whom to shop at a grocery store?

fran took me on a very limited portion of her friday schedule. we started at a grocery store in niles. not only does fran bring her own shopping bags, but she also brings her own produce bags. this was not a grocery store for kraft macaroni & cheese, wonder bread, and kellogg’s cornflakes upon which i raised my children. no, this was the united nations of grocery store. and i wanted so much to buy dragon fruit, yamas, cactus, burnt octopus, and burdock. but i wasn’t sure what i would do with them. i don’t speak any other language than english and for this alone i might have stood out. on the other hand, i noticed a gentleman ambling behind me for several aisles. he finally spoke and told me i looked very beautiful. i thanked him and then he said something to another man in a language i didn’t recognize and i think he might have been laughing at me. ah, well, i bought replacement milk chocolate easter bunnies (which i will give away before i sleep) and two prayer candles.

fran had a cartful of stuff but she was quick to say that some things were better purchased elsewhere. we went to two other grocery stores–at one of them i could have bought a live octopus AND gotten eyelash extensions! i wanted pink so bad. she has been married an astonishing forty years and she is the shopper in the family, as well she should be–she is a warrior. i know i can’t ask her to come make me dinner at two o’clock in the morning!

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