it’s what the egyptians wanted with their mummies and their pyramids. it’s what ponce de leon wanted with the fountain of youth. it’s why vampires get weary, mostly because they’ve figured out that immortality is fun . . . for the first thousand years or so.
woody allen opined that he didn’t want to be immortal through his work. . . he wanted to achieve it through not dying.
but what if physical immortality isn’t possible (well, actually, it isn’t possible but that’s another really depressing blog post)
what if instead of physical immortality you’re going to have to do it through good works? you could found a a country, but that seems to be a rather crowded field. you could write a heartbreaking work of impossible genius but that’s going to cut into the time you spend watching reruns of parks and recreation. you could commit a major crime, which seems to be how some people are trying to do this, but that would break your mother’s heart. and you don’t look good in an orange jumpsuit, trust me, nobody does. so maybe you’re thinking immortality isn’t going to be for you. . . i’m here to tell you you’re wrong. you’re going to be immortal. sure, it’s in a literary sense, but that’s better than the big zero. and immortality is only going to cost you 99 cents.
steps to immortality:
1. get comfortable in front of your computer.
3. buy it. read it. and here’s the tricky part: review it. you can probably skate on buying it but reviewing it, gotta do it.
4. i don’t care if you review it and says it’s great. or lousy. or that you couldn’t finish it. or that you’re an english lit teacher and you’re putting me under citizen’s arrest for defiling the english language.
5. i am now in your debt. which means, i will write my next story about you. yes, you. which means that you become as much a part of literature as elizabeth bennett, holden caulfield, or that danish prince. no guarantees on the quality of the work, but enthusiasm will be aplenty.
and if woody allen offers you a better deal, i only hope that you’ll tell me how he does it!