Tag Archives: woody allen

immortality in five easy steps

it’s what the egyptians wanted with their mummies and their pyramids.  it’s what ponce de leon wanted with the fountain of youth.  it’s why vampires get weary, mostly because they’ve figured out that immortality is fun . . . for the first thousand years or so.

woody allen opined that he didn’t want to be immortal through his work. . . he wanted to achieve it through not dying.

eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it. . . another fine quote from the man

eternal nothingness is fine if you’re dressed for it. . . another fine quote from the man


but what if physical immortality isn’t possible (well, actually, it isn’t possible but that’s another really depressing blog post)

what if instead of physical immortality you’re going to have to do it through good works?  you could found a a country, but that seems to be a rather crowded field.  you could write a heartbreaking work of impossible genius but that’s going to cut into the time you spend watching reruns of parks and recreation.  you could commit a major crime, which seems to be how some people are trying to do this, but that would break your mother’s heart.  and you don’t look good in an orange jumpsuit, trust me, nobody does.  so maybe you’re thinking immortality isn’t going to be for you. . . i’m here to tell you you’re wrong.  you’re going to be immortal.  sure, it’s in a literary sense, but that’s better than the big zero. and immortality is only going to cost you 99 cents.

steps to immortality:

1.  get comfortable in front of your computer.

2.  go to http://www.amazon.com/Mrs-Vander-Leydens-Glasses-ebook/dp/B00CQAQ6XC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368534528&sr=8-1&keywords=mrs.+vander+leyden%27s+glasses

this read was published by oj dorson and the cover art created by tony tyner.  your little slice of the literary heavens will be available on amazon.com within a few months!

this read was published by oj dorson and the cover art created by tony tyner. your little slice of the literary heavens will be available on amazon.com within a few months!

3.  buy it.  read it.  and here’s the tricky part:  review it.  you can probably skate on buying it but reviewing it, gotta do it.

4.  i don’t care if you review it and says it’s great.  or lousy.  or that you couldn’t finish it.  or that you’re an english lit teacher and you’re putting me under citizen’s arrest for defiling the english language.

5.  i am now in your debt.  which means, i will write my next story about you.  yes, you.  which means that you become as much a part of literature as elizabeth bennett, holden caulfield, or that danish prince.  no guarantees on the quality of the work, but enthusiasm will be aplenty.

and if woody allen offers you a better deal, i only hope that you’ll tell me how he does it!


an agoraphobic only has one panic attack —

i share a lot with f2fb friend #297 ann malone.  we both are in our fifties (although damnit, she’s three years older and looks ten years younger than me!) and we’ve both raised two sons.

i felt really depressed on valentine's day because i thought my younger son eastman (f2fb friend #1) had forgotten about me. then the fedex guy showed up with a mushy card from eastman--it featured puppies and little candy hearts and who can't tear up when they see the combination? this is a valentine's card i received from one of my newest facebook friends talib who is from iraq where valentine's day is not generally celebrated. i appreciated the beauty of this card and the effort that went into making it!

ann malone and i have been divorced and i think we both agree that our agoraphobia/panicattacks/anxiety contributed to that unhappy fact.  and we both can remember every detail of our first panic attack.

i was nineteen.  i was grocery shopping at the kroeger’s across the street from the police and fire station in naperville, illinois.  i was with my boyfriend keith.  i was wearing white pants, white shirt, a tie, and a dark blue vest.  i was carrying a backpack of books.  wait?  a tie?

my attire that day did not reflect anything about my gender identification. the 1977 movie "annie hall" starring woody allen and diane keaton influenced my fashion sense. so did the prices at the salvation army thrift shop where i bought my clothes.

i sat the window sill at the end of the cash register waiting for my boyfriend to complete his purchases.  i looked outside.  a furious thunderstorm was coming.  the thunderstorm made me think of anger–an angry mother, an angry universe, an angry God.  this is like death’s arrival, i thought and i turned to look at the paramedic and two firemen waiting in line to pay for their lunches.  “they can’t do anything to save me,”  i thought.

and suddenly, everything pressed in on me:  the imminence of death and destruction, the explosion of my heart, the oxygen being sucked out of lungs, lights and sound slamming against me.  too many things at once.  i stood up.  my legs were tingling with weakness.  this is death, i thought.

within a half hour, i was in edward’s hospital emergency room and a doctor was telling me i couldn’t possibly be having a heart attack.  you don’t know that, you don’t know that, i thought.  ann’s experience was a little different in details but the essence was exactly the same.

and what happened next?

today, we have the wonderful news that therapy, antidepresssants*, meditation, yoga**, natural remedies*** will the trick.  uh, well, sometimes that’s  true.  and sometimes a study comes out that says no way.  in any event, i was   diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse, asthma, severe allergies, lupus, depression, separation anxiety. . . in the end, therapy teaches you to rely on your therapist, drugs to depend on your dose, yoga and meditation to rely on your guru of the moment.  it’s a tough call as to what will set us free but ann and i both agree there is some truth to the adage that an agoraphobic only has one panic attack.  everything else is the anticipation or the avoidance of having another. . . .  she and i both avoided everything that might lead to a panic attack.  i have never stepped foot in the kroegers in naperville since that day thirty two years ago and frankly, i still don’t like jewell or osco or “big box” grocery shopping.
ann and i have both figured out what works for us, with the full knowledge that whatever we have cobbled together will fall apart and we’ll come up with new strategies.  i admire ann and i’m so glad she’s my facebook friend!  i got in the car, breathed deeply, and i aim further south to meet lionel richie.  at least i think i’m meeting lionel richie.  that’s what my next facebook friend’s profile picture looks like.  and nobody, but nobody, would put up a profile picture that wasn’t taken yesterday at the passport photo shop, right?