Tag Archives: safe place

thank you mr. zuckerberg for my facebook new years resolution–it was an adventure!

when i was nineteen, i was pretty sure that people in their fifties were either stupidly or brilliantly settled.  there was no romance to being in one’s fifties, because one was sure to be so desperately past pretty that love could hardly blossom in such gray and wrinkled landscape.  there was no adventure to fifties, because there was mortgage and grandchildren and pensions and jobs coming to a close.  there was nothing to look forward to, no risks and few unexpected rewards.

last year, i made a new year’r resolution to meet all 325 of my facebook friends–the ones i hadn’t seen in thirty years, the ones i had never met, the ones i wasn’t quite sure would be too happy to see me, the ones i needed to resolve a few things with, the ones i wasn’t even quite sure why i was friends with them.  i went around the country, around the world. . . .

i took everything i owned in one bag. never checked anything because i sort of don’t trust baggage handlers and airlines. now the bag is in my refrigerator along with diet coke, orangina, perfume, and bottles of beer. i am having a house sale in one week. this is how i roll now!

 

this year’s adventure has been to meet more facebook friends who are new to me.  a lot of them have anxiety and panic issues like i do.  just last night, i texted with a facebook friend who prefers to be anonymous because he is scared everybody will think he’s crazy.  he’s not crazy–he’s having a perfectly reasonable response to a chaotic, confusing, irrational world!  he’s decided to drop out and stay home by himself.  on the other hand, he is unhappy.  and that is a good reason to get out of the house.  to find a purpose.  even if the purpose is sort of silly–like meeting your facebook friends.

next week, the house closes.  and the place–the “safe place”–of an agoraphobic will belong to another family.  i am so happy for them.  i know they will have many good years of raising their children, of having parties and get togethers, of feeling secure.  and me?

i’m happy and really grateful! last year’s experience has at least taught me something! when you pack a bag, roll your clothes into a single tube and baby wipes are good for a lot of disasters you will encounter!

 

i owe a lot to facebook and to mr. zuckerberg!  today’s share price is now $28 and i sense a revival.  because zuckerberg has put us in touch with our friends, our family, and sometimes with the part of us that is 51 years old and still wants to be a nineteen year old adventuress!


mr. de niro, can you hear me? f2fb friend #317 would love to hear from you!

mapquest said it was going to take me four hours and forty seven minutes to get to f2fb friend #317 if i walked and i just couldn’t believe that a city could be that big.   i also couldn’t believe that the funny, witty, supportive, beautiful facebook friend michele piersiak was housebound.  i figured she’d meet me at the ferry station in staten island.  or that she’d catch me at one of the places downtown.

i was wrong.  well, i wasn’t wrong about her being funny, witty, supportive, and beautiful.  that was definitely the woman who answered the door of the house near forest avenue.  but she is (was) housebound.  for about a year and a half her world consists of reading, the treadmill, dvd’s,  the computer that sits next to the couch in the living room, caring for her pets and keeping a house for her and her boyfriend.

stewie is a caped dragon lizard. she may be very lovely to other caped dragons, but i didn’t find her all that attractive. in fact, i got sort of nervous when michele took her out of the cage. after all, who’s to say that caped dragon lizards want a little fifty one year old human flesh after a regular diet of crickets?

michele can sometimes leave the house for brief periods with her “safe” people–her boyfriend, her parents, her sister.  but by herself, she doesn’t even try to check the mail on the curb.  it’s been this way for a few years but was exacerbated when she lost her job.  i’ve noticed a lot of my agoraphobe friends have a major shift inward when there’s a job loss.  and with eight percent official unemployment, i think there’s a hidden group of people that is affected.

michele wakes up every day mad at herself and sad that she is in this condition.  the couch is starting to feel old.  even playing xbox is feeling pretty old.  for me, since i’ve never done it, i thought it was a kick!

this is not wasted time. well, it’s wasting time for me to be bowling on xbox (and nobody should have to witness me trying to play golf!).  but it isn’t a wasted year for michele to have been housebound for a year and some months.  every day has increased her understanding and sympathy for those who are afflicted with panic attacks, agoraphobia, post traumatic stress disorder, ms, etc.  she has a major goal of someday being someone who helps those people.  i think she definitely has something to offer the world in that respect.  she already has helped–for instance, she set up a group of ten people from around the country who set a goal of walking around the block.  at a prearranged time, everybody got on a conference call with their cell phones and walked around their respective blocks together!  isn’t that an amazing use of technology and an amazing creative idea?

she also has a minor goal.  and it’s something tantalizingly out of reach and will require her to do some work.  some planning.  some practicing.  and it will need YOU!  but i’ll get there.

i was insanely honored that michele let me be a “safe” person for the day. we walked to her boyfriend’s place of employment (man, he was a little freaked out by that!) and then we pushed the boundaries a little further. we saw a house that had a three foot wide, five foot tall shrine out front. i like it when people of all faiths feel good about presenting their beliefs to the world!

so the minor goal, an interim goal if you will, is that michele would like to dine at the robert de niro restaurant laconda verde at 377 greenwich street in new york.  it would require driving to the staten island ferry, taking the ferry into the city, a cab or bus ride, then being in the restaurant and actually staying long enough to eat and then to return home.  to michele it seems out of reach.  but the day after i left staten island, she went on several walks with her parents and her sister, pushing herself a little more than usual, to get a few blocks outside of the “safe” zone.  she has made a deal with me that if i return to new york she will go with me to the restaurant.

mr. de niro, i’m betting the prices at your restaurant are a bit dear. but i’m sure if you’re half as good at cooking as you are at acting, the food’s great! michele probably would also like just to shake your hand. to meet you and say “thank you for motivating me to change myself!”

so this is where YOU come in.  if you know mr. de niro or if you know someone in the restaurant industry, if you know someone in new york, i think a gift certificate to laconda or a menu from the place, a message from de niro — even just an autographed picture — would do the world at motivating michele.  and once she achieves the minor goal, she will know that the major one is, okay, just a little harder but perfectly doable.  and that’s the one that helps everybody!

so i’m happy to hear from YOU about whatever you come up with for ideas or inspiration or maybe mr. de niro, if you’re reading this blog???


am i ready for new york?

this morning, murphy my always and forever cab driver picked me up for the ride to the airport.  i had some exciting news for him.

well, maybe we’re going to have to work on our domestic bliss!  i told murphy i was off to see facebook friends in new york–and he wished me luck and took down my flight information so he could meet me upon my return.

one of the most common things for agoraphobes to do is to want to remain in their “safe” place.  that’s mostly their house, but sometimes it includes other places.  in the past, my “safe” place has, at its best, included my house, downtown winnetka, my kids’ schools, and the place where i climb on a stairmaster in the vainglorious hope that i shall look like elle mcpherson one day.  at its worst, my safe place has been my bedroom.  even the walk across the hall to the bathroom seemed iffy.

but last year, meeting my facebook friends in america and abroad, i have learned to make the safe place wherever i am.  it’s a discipline i have to remember every time i go out.  and sometimes it just doesn’t work.  i had three housebound days this week and i was really worried that i wouldn’t get to the airport.  the airport was crowding because a stormline was coming in and flights were being delayed, canceled, bumped.  i aimed for the nearest bar.

an airport bar is actually a great place to create a safe zone.  forget about those big planes outside the window, forget about the people rushing back and forth, forget about the announcements, just find the place nearest your gate and pretend you’re in your own neighborhood.  amongst friends. ..

 

look!  even mr. clark is making friends!  mr. william clark, as you know is the nineteenth century explorer best known for his travels (1803-1806) through the northwest with merriweather lewis — also known as the lewis and clark expedition.  clark died in 1838 but oddly, he has a facebook profile page, posts daily accounts of his travels and is my facebook friend (f2fb friend #60).  his biographer lanny jones (f2fb friend #59) sent me a Clark doll to remind me to explore fearlessly.  looks like clark’s doing a little exploring of his own. . .

mr. clark getting cozy with a teddy bear who was going home to new york with another traveler. i carry my william clark doll in my bag every flight i take and the back seat of my car? looks like a damn toys r’ us!


a facebook friend’s life changes when the bishop sets fire to his store

i had started to think of my little corner of redondo beach as home.  one room, free wi fi, maid service every other day.  a couple of times i considered cancelling whatever i was scheduled to do and just watching television all day.  it was the sort of motel that catered to people who d0 that.

instead of hiding i got on the the 5.  since everything is three hours from everything else in los angeles, it wasn’t that much of a change in the schedule of driving, stopping at a starbucks and driving some more. but i was giving up a safe space (redondo) without yet reaching another safe place.

the gap for someone like me is important.  it’s the space where anxiety attacks happen.  and i had a pretty major one just outside of camp pendleton.

but i was meeting howard smith.  f2fb #149.  but he’s more than just a facebook friend.  he’s someone i really admire.  he grew up in lexington, kentucky and moved to winnetka just after college graduate, taking a job at the “trouping the colors” clothing store, and freely told everybody that the only other job he had ever had was as a lifeguard.  when the owner retired, howard stepped up and became sole proprietor.  he was head of the chamber of commerce, of the rotary club, the unofficial mayor of the town, and then the bishop of the episcopal church of san diego set fire to his store.

the store was gutted.  everything that howard found safe and reassuring, the basis of his life, was gone.  for a while, howard had no idea what to do.  he had never imagined a life without fabric swatches, tape measures and silk ties rolled and placed just so on the round table at the center of his shop.

he and his wife felt a little lost.  they worried about how to send their two children to school, how to put aside for retirement, how to rebuild.

howard did something brave–he asked every friend he had to come up with five names.  not five names of people who were looking to hire someone or looking to invest in a retail business.  just five names of people who would go to lunch with him.  and talk about what they do.  howard was a promiscuous lunch partner and was thinking about what he really wanted to do.  he was even thinking about where he wanted to live–he had been across the mississippi exactly three times but now everything was on the table. . . .

he was like me, in the in between, on the road from redondo beach to san diego.

howard is now a development director for the episcopal archdiocese of san diego.  he and his wife love their new home.  and the thing he reminds me is. . . be grateful, be brave, accept that you’re going to be surprised by life.

and the bishop of the episcopal church of san diego?  well, he didn’t actually set fire to howard’s store (the cause of the blaze is pure accident) but the bishop, and indeed the entire diocese, is the happy beneficiary of those flames. . .


my safe place in california–

i was intimidated as i approached the gate house:  two other cars had been turned away.  the sign said not only was there to be no trespassing but have your driver’s license ready for inspection.  when it was time for me to pull up, i noticed the guard had a tattoo of a lipstick imprint on the side of her neck.  she took my driver’s license.

“it’s a really bad picture,”  i said.

she handed it back without looking at me.  i don’t think it’s THAT bad of a picture.

i was in calabasas.  rumor has it that way up in the mountains, at the highest tier towards heaven, britney spears has a mansion.  and so does michael jackson’s mom.

i met f2fb #146 candice appleton vaugh at a wedding.  it was the wedding of some people i didn’t know so i was free to make new friends without any reservations or preconceptions.  i immediately liked her and we spent most of the weekend together through rehearsal dinner, pre-wedding receptions, the wedding itself, the reception, the post-wedding breakfast.  she is intelligent without being pedantic, empathic without being intrusive and beautiful without the arrogance that occasionally infects beauty.  after the wedding, she went back to her home in calabasas.  i went back to winnetka.  we were facebook friends who occasionally posted on each other’s walls.  but when was i honestly ever to meet her again?

on this trip to california, i thought maybe i’d get to see britney if i was in calabasas.  but alas, no.  most of the mountain community’s homes are in gated areas and candice’s home is no different.  but it’s no tmz.com, no britney, no neverland.  her house is beautiful but her focus is on raising her two daughters to be polite, well mannered, responsible women.  which candice does by reminding her daughters at every moment that in every situation there are choices.  it is how i tried to raise joseph and eastman.

the family served a dinner of ribs, corn, salad and candice’s homemade cookies.  they have two dogs, one of whom welcomed me by laying on my feet–the other is a recently adopted rescue dog who has a habit of finding lightbulbs and trying to eat them.  after dinner, the girls put on a play for everybody in their playroom.  i was made aware that beauty does not come from the exterior of things, it comes from the conscious choices we make.  as i left the home, the two daughters jordan and mackenzie–dressed as sleeping beauty and tinkerbell respectively, waved their tiny magic wands and blessed my journey.

then i went to my safe place in california, the home where i cannot have anxiety attacks, the place from which i adventure–

i cannot have an anxiety attack in room 212. that would be impossible because it's a safe place.

 

then i have to take william clark (f2fb #60) to manhattan beach to meet my facebook friend cathy who is training in reiki, a japanese form of healing.

mr. clark believes sometimes we should stop and hang out, especially at beaches