Tag Archives: agoraphobia

April 18, 2012

an anonymous agoraphobic and a question for YOU!

By arlynnpresser

i have been on the road and this morning i am two hours away from f2fb friend #314 mr. anonymous.  well, i don’t actually know that he wants to be anonymous but we’ve been corresponding since the first of the year and everything he’s written suggests that he is worried about publicly confessing to having disabling panic attacks and agoraphobia.

i find this weird, maybe because the past year and a half i have been chronicling everything i have been doing — including those white wine “i feel rejected” benders, the fraught relations with my biological father, the crying jags, the strange and bewildering consequences of youthful tragedies.  but also, i find mr. anonymous f2fb friend #314’s concern about being “outed” as weird because i read tmz.com, radaronline.com, and pagesix.com online every morning.

and i am treated to celebrities confessing to spousal abuse, eating disorders, gambling problems, pill popping, alcoholism, infidelity, sex with minors, sex with family members, sex with . . . whoever happens to be around, being gay, being a man in a woman’s body, being a woman in a man’s body, having a penchant for hookers, dressing up in the wife’s clothes, shoplifting for the joy of it, anger management issues (also known as acting like a damn three year old), and the ever popular exhaustion and dehydration.

vanessa williams just released the book "you have no idea" and it reveals that she was molested as a ten year old by an eighteen year old woman, that she was "highly sexualized" as a teen, that she had an abortion when she was nineteen, and that she trusted a photographer who wanted to do some "art" shots of her. by her own description, she went from the cab to naked with a dog collar in less than an hour. those pictures were printed in penthouse and caused her resignation as 1983 miss america. she's bounced back. but there's a lot of 'fessing up she's doing with this book.

 

i have nothing against the self-disclosures.  i think it’s healthy.  but why can’t someone come right out and say “look, i’m an agoraphobic.”  mr. #314 can manage a few miles radius around his house on a somewhat erratic basis.   but by and large, he’s housebound.  and doctors have done a lot of damage with the usual run of sedatives, antidepressants, etc.  that only seem to make things worse.  and it is worse than it was when we first started corresponding.  his wife is throwing in the towel.  the support systems are crumbling.  several times over the past months, we’ve attempted to set up a time to see each other just so i can learn from him and maybe share my experiences with him.  yesterday, he emailed me to say “i can’t.  i’m too nervous about the prospect of meeting you”  i said please don’t cancel because i have a present for you.

and i do.  it’s not a toy, a piece from tiffany’s (i always like those!) or a starbuck’s gift card.  it’s a phone app.

many people with anxiety and agoraphobia rely on facebook, email and cell phones to keep up with family and friends. one facebook friend who is housebound calls her mother at work. her mother leaves her cell phone on and lets her daughter "be" with her during her work day. my facebook friend calls it "having mom let me be in her pocket". . .

 

with a facebook friend from los angeles, i have been developing a phone app to help agoraphobics and those with social anxieties.  it’s not biofeedback.  it’s not guided meditation.  it’s not haranguing, although i do a great harangue.  just ask my sons.  instead, it’s a companion who will walk with you out the door, to the sidewalk and beyond.  and it’s based on my firm belief that therapy makes you dependent on therapy, drugs make you dependent on drugs.  YOU are the only one who is completely invested in getting yourself the terrific life you deserve.

the app is my present to mr. #314.

my question to you:  would you want that app?

and please, wish me luck.  i last wrote to him that i would be at his house.   i would knock on the door.  if he was too nervous to answer the door i’d wait for a while.  but at least i will try.

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April 3, 2012

all you need is one book — a party invitation for YOU!

By arlynnpresser

i have been so blessed with this project of meeting my facebook friends–and i have been working with facebook friend #306 oj dorson in creating an ebook about the experience!  this weekend i headed for michigan and landed in coldwater.  my facebook friends molly and jeff parshall live in coldwater and i’ve visited with both of them before.  molly has agoraphobia and finds it difficult to leave the house.  she’s made a lot of progress working on herself in the past few months.  she even sent me a picture of herself at the nearby playground with her son blake!

but every personal transformation has some setbacks.  jeez, i’m a six setbacks a day and eight victories person myself.  sunday, we were thinking of going to the park as a quartet–blake, molly, jeff and me–but it didn’t work out.  molly had to return home, to her “safe” place.

having any sort of disability, illness, quirk puts pressure on everybody else in the family.  jeff is a strong, taciturn, family protective man who puts his energies into his work as a machinist and he went back to working around the house.  molly sent me and blake off to the park.  blake is a boy with a strong, generous heart and he asked if he could make a video for my blog.

we went home and he picked out eight more books!  i know that i won’t see the parshalls at the party in winnetka but i know that they are part of the creation of this special day!  and molly has no greater cheerleader than her son blake–he understands sometimes his mom can’t do things she wants to do, that he wants to do.  he loves trains and has an ambition to take a train ride.  i can’t wait for the day when i walk down to the winnetka train station and pick up the parshall family!

i am facebook friends with the parshalls.  it’s important sometimes to come out from behind our technology and spend a day together. . . .

by the way, the invitation to the party–it benefits reach out and read illinois and the guest list is quite exclusive. . . it includes YOU!!!!

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March 26, 2012

i get a facebook friendship challenge. . . with a phone call to follow!

By arlynnpresser

a facebook friend sent the following message to me and a few others.  i was terrifically flattered and also very humbled.  i have never met this facebook friend but i am looking forward to getting a phone call in the next couple of weeks!

 

Dear Friends,

Hi everyone, (Warning: personal sharing to follow. Proceed at your own risk.)  🙂 As you may or may not know I freelance/consult from my home office. Thankfully, this year has been very busy. That includes everyday including most weekends. This past month I put in 30-40 hour weeks working at McDonald’s corporate headquarters while handing my own clients on nights and weekends. The McDonald’s gig is now complete and I see open space in my calendar. Why this info? I feel stuck. I’ve concentrated so much on work that I’ve left my friendships by the wayside. I haven’t actively been pursuing any lunches or coffees etc. Also, After 3 months  of walking 3 times a day, I’ve now gone 3 weeks without any form of exercise. Just sitting  here and doing nothing isn’t working 🙂  So it’s time to act. I’ve been inspired by a Facebook friend whom I have never met but heard about on the radio and have since been following her Facebook accounts and blogs. She suffers from agoraphobia and decided to visit all her Facebook friends around the world in person. Her name is Arlynn Leiber Presser if your interested in reading about her. She has inspired me to action because she stepped right through her fears and phobias and did it and continues to do it. Reading her blog I think I’m at home now more then she is. 🙂 So why am I writing this? To face a fear of mine? Picking up the phone and calling someone to plan something hasn’t been my style. I’ve always waited for others to get the ball rollling. Waited to the last minute. Going to the cave is great but it gets old after awhile. Well you know what? I’m getting to old for this shit! I’m not putting this out there to fish for calls. I’m am putting it out to the universe and to my friends and just to let you know I will be calling!  🙂 Peace and love, Mr. T

 

mr. t, you have my phone number!

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March 23, 2012

a puzzling end to a facebook friend’s visit and i revisit the lexapro issue

By arlynnpresser

what a wonderful afternoon get together! thank you f2fb friend #307 tony adams with my father justin. tony is a wonderful friend and wanted us to try something special for lunch.

my father justin (f2fb friend #30) flew in from tallahassee this monday and planned to stay for a week and a day.  we had dinner with f2fb friend #306 oj dorson and justin made chicken l’orange in honor of the occasion.  the next day, we had lunch with f2fb friend #307 tony adams and then there was the fire. . . .

i went to sleep that night thinking that the visit with justin was going very well.  i had a brunch planned for sunday morning in his honor.  we were going to the movies to see the artist. then i woke at four o’clock in the morning with a migraine.

for those of you who don't know what a migraine feels like, imagine this cute blue dude having some fun with hammer, nails and your brain.

i didn’t come downstairs until seven where i found justin had already packed.  he said his wife barbara had a dinner that evening and wanted him to return home to join her.  he had already called the airlines and rebooked a flight for that afternoon to atlanta and then in the evening a flight from atlanta to tallahassee.  it seemed puzzling to me.  i felt uneasy.  i felt rejected.  i felt, and still feel, that i must have done something to offend either justin or his wife and it’s just a matter of me not knowing what it is.

feeling rejected is a good excuse for a pajama day. which includes pajamas, self-loathing, a paperback, television, domino's pizza and wine and going to bed at eight o'clock. this time i left out the pizza and wine.

i was proud that i didn’t call domino’s, prouder that i didn’t drink white wine.  i still have a migraine.  i still wasted time on hulu.com, went to bed at eight o’clock and never got out of my pajamas. . . but this morning, i’m back together except for the bedhead.  the temporary rules of my life are back in force:  work out every day, take a shower, no going to bed at eight o’clock.  otherwise. . . .

i have a prescription for lexapro which is sitting unopened on my kitchen counter. i really don't want to do this but some doctors believe anxiety disorder and agoraphobia are only controllable with antidepressants. including mine.

 

 

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March 19, 2012

i meet facebook friend #305 and get out of my pajamas . . . FINALLY!!!

By arlynnpresser

last week was, ahem, a week of challenge–four straight days in bed cowering under the covers and then a doctor’s appointment that concluded with me being written a prescription for lexapro.   the lexapro bottle is on my kitchen counter.  i haven’t tried any yet.  i have been receiving emails and phone calls from people weighing in–i’ve been amazed at how much i think that everyone i know is completely competent, happy, well-organized, and now they’re telling me that they were a wreck before they started lexapro, zoloft, klonopin, paxil, etc.  . . . or that they were a wreck when they tried lexapro, zoloft, klonopin, paxil.

for me, right now, just for the moment, i am making the choice to not take an ssri antidepressant.  that i did a pretty good job of getting myself out of the house last year to meet my facebook friends and conquer my fears and taking a drug would make me feel like i wasn’t entitled to believe in what i did and how i did it.

the three temporary rules are 1.  no going to bed before eight o’clock (because i’ll wake up at two a.m. and think of all the reasons i should be anxious and that makes six o’clock seem an impossible hour of the morning and then i suddenly realize it’s three in the afternoon and i haven’t moved), 2.  intense cardio exercise every day (it’s amazing how much sweat takes away the negatives. . . ), and 3.  take a shower every day (let’s even discuss why that’s a good idea).

a fourth rule is to spend time with friends.  on friday evening, giving myself lots of slack to turn around and come home if i got too anxious, i went to the village follies variety show.   i figured it was three blocks away from my house.  even in heels, i could run home.

last year, i needed to visit 325 facebook friends as part of my new years resolution. tony morris is one of my friends, and i was quite stalkerish about sending him messages which he never responded to. friday, we saw each other. he's the sort who has created a facebook page and then never uses it. i've noticed some people spend an evening creating a profile and then are like uh, i don't really want to do this. okay, we finally got together--thank you mr. #305!

 

and i did bolt out of there at an insanely early hour–midnight.  the next afternoon, i thought of fifteen reasons why i shouldn’t go to the dinner party hosted by my facebook friend #50 ron o’neal.  ron had invited me in part because he had read in this blog about the four day pajamas/noshower/nobrushingmyteeth days and he thought i could benefit from a little society.  i decided to stay for twenty minutes.  four hours later, the o’neals were kicking me out the door. . .

tristan and her husband amadeus do not have facebook.  in fact, amadeus is quite opposed to facebook.  one, he believes that any group of people could make their own facebook.  second, he believes it’s morally wrong for mark zuckerberg to make so many billions.  amadeus grew up in what used to be the communist east germany and he’s very aware of the problems of power and money concentrated in the hands of a few people.

mark invented facebook and while he is a billionaire he doesn't really live the life of one, at least so far. i am very impressed by his quote "we do not give better service in order to make money. we make money in order to give better service." i think it would have made an EVEN more interesting dinner party if ron o'neal had invited mark and his girlfriend to join us. but maybe mark was busy.

 

i have to add another rule that lurks under the surface of all i do:  no drinking white wine.  beer is okay because i feel great when i’m drinking it and fine the next morning.  white wine hits me like tequila with a university of g.g.w.* on spring break.  and i’m wretched the next day.  so that’s why tristan had to teach me to open a can of guinness.  a full pint has only 168 calories and has only 4% alcohol.**  that’s a bargain. . . .

white wine gets me drunk fast and hard and not in a good way. in fact, my new years resolution has been to avoid it. the triggers that make me want to drink it are rejection, self-loathing, isolation, and depression. white wine, we can't be in a relationship together--it's not you, it's me. sometimes people are a trigger. my father justin (facebook friend #30) has, in the past, been a trigger and he's going to be a houseguest for a full week beginning today. this is a challenge for me.

 

hey, this is my first blog with footnotes!

*   girls gone wild (ggw)  — http://secure.girlsgonewild.com/tours/main1/?nats=MTI2OTU6NTk6MTgz,0,0,0,0  (don’t click on this link if you’re at work or you’re in the kitchen with your wife and she’s making dinner and looking over your shoulder)

**   http://www.livestrong.com/article/298579-calories-of-guinness-stout-beer/

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March 16, 2012

the four day pajama marathon comes to an end. . .

By arlynnpresser

it has been a week of blessings.  well hidden blessings, but nonetheless blessings.  it started on monday morning when i was so anxiety ridden, so scared of the world, that i cancelled a doctor’s appointment and lunch with a friend.

the painter hieronymous bosch 1450-1516 painted the garden of earthly delights to represent the chaotic, confusing, overwhelming nature of the universe. well, that is sort of how winnetka looked like to me this week!

tuesday i took another sick day, wednesday i weaseled, and thursday i went to the doctor but only because i had already cancelled one visit and he’s just two blocks away.  when he opened the door to the examining room, i started crying.  i have no idea why.  and he’s a great doctor.  he sat and listened.  to a completely incoherent story about how i couldn’t get out of the house.

but it is a truth so universally acknowledged that it hardly bares repeating but a fifty one year old woman with three day old bedhead and a case of the weepies is a woman in need of an antidepressant.  in this case, a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor called lexapro.

“will it make me gain weight?”  i asked.

“all antidepressants will make you gain weight,”  he said.  “oh, and you have to take it every day but it won’t start working for at least two weeks.”

that sent me howling and he did what any reasonable doctor would do under the circumstances.  he excused himself to see if the pharmaceutical representative had left him any samples.  a moment later, he came back in, wheeling on his shoes when he realized i had not yet composed myself.  nonetheless, within a half hour i was out on the street, sniffling as i walked over to conney’s pharmacy to  get the prescription filled.

i stumbled upon my friend david grant who was headed towards the post office.  he gave me a hug.  i asked him if he had always known how incompetent i am.

“i never thought you were incompetent,”  he said.  “you seem pretty put together.”

and that’s the way it is–we all look a lot more competent than we feel.  if we could just remind ourselves every once in a while that we might think we’re poseurs fooling the world.  but so is everybody else.

this morning, i woke up at two o’clock and began cataloging my faults.  it’s a little curatorial habit of mine.  i was supposed to take lexapro in the morning, with food.  it might make me nauseus.  it sometimes causes spontaneous fatality or exacerbation of suicidal thoughts.  i couldn’t get back to sleep. so i read a book.  and then i got up at six and worked out.  and immediately made this video with the help of lisa jarvis.  she works at the fitness center and she is now charged with the task of calling me every morning if i don’t get on the stairmaster by nine o’clock.  when you live alone, as i do, you have to set up some rules. . . .

 

 

but the most important rule is to be with your friends.  because they don’t mind your incompetencies–in fact, they purposely don’t see them. . . .

and the lexapro?  not yet, i’m not quite willing to say that everything i did last year could be bested by a little pill.

last year, i faced down a lot of my phobias as part of my resolution to visit all 325 facebook friends--i couldn't even imagine getting on a plane before last year and i think i logged 51 flights altogether. so this is just a temporary backsliding. this is a get back up on that horse and ride moment!

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March 14, 2012

the most insanely beautiful make my day present!

By arlynnpresser

my facebook friends blake and molly made a collage that is the greatest "make my day" gift . . . i am so happy for them both!

i have had two beat myself up pajama days.  can’t move days.  it’s very easy to get completely down on myself and then i’m just not able to move.  at all.  i did get out briefly yesterday with no permanent tissue damage and i intended today to be a full throttle okay world i’m here come at me with all you got day.

but i was nervous last night going to sleep, thinking about the possibility that i might wake up and just not have it in me.  then i got a puzzling text from f2fb (face to facebook) friend #294 molly parshall.  i’ve visited her twice in coldwater, michigan.  she is like a daughter to me and i worry because she has spent a lot of pajama days in her home.  we’ll call them pajama months.  okay, maybe years.

last night, she texted me that there was a big surprise in my facebook mailbox.  this morning, this picture is what i found.  she did it, she absolutely positively did it!  out of the house, out to the park, playing with her son blake.  like any other mother, she will do anything to make her son smile!!!

damn, i wish i would have been there!  but this picture she sent me is the next bestest thing!

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March 13, 2012

mama said there’d be days like these. . .

By arlynnpresser

. . . and maybe more than one at a time.

i’m on day two of a stay at home in my jammies streak.  the world is crazy, chaotic, overwhelming, loud, boisterous, jumpy, depressing.  i don’t understand how anybody actually gets out of bed and manages to slog through the next twelve hours without screaming.

so for the past two days, i haven’t tried.  well, i’ve tried.  and then failed.  and put my jammies back on and gotten back into bed.  hulu.com is very good for a pajama day.    so is a book.  so is a copy of vogue and a candy bar.

last year, i made a commitment to meet all 325 of my facebook friends.  some were people i hadn’t seen in years.  some were people i had never even met.  some people lived in my sleepy little town of winnetka, some lived in countries i couldn’t locate on a map.  i learned a lot of interesting skills:  karate chopping a wood block, opening a champagne bottle with a saber sword, boxing, and tolerance for people who try very very hard to forget that the world is crazy, chaotic, overwhelming, loud, boisterous, jumpy, depressing.

last year, i flew to anchorage on a thursday, rented a car and drove five hours south to homer, had dinner with a facebook friend, drove back to anchorage, flew up to nome, spent time with a facebook friend, flew back to anchorage and then onto chicago in time for sunday dinner. today, a trip to the grand grocery store four blocks away sounds too daunting.

there are a lot of people like me, i’ve discovered.  some take pajama days and some take pajama months and some just call it a pajama lifestyle.  i also have acquired new friends, enough so that facebook has shut down my account for receiving new friends.  when i click confirm on a new friend, i receive this message: Individual Facebook members can connect to a maximum of 5000 friends and Pages. To do this action, you’ll need to remove a friend or unlike a Page you’re already connected to.  i’m now thirty five messages behind on emails through facebook.  i might have to solve these problems. . . . after this last pajama day!

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February 28, 2012

aim high and don’t forget st. paul’s advice about personal grooming

By arlynnpresser

on december 31, 2010 i made a different sort of new years resolution:  i decided i would meet all 324 of my facebook friends.  i posted a video about my resolution on facebook.  it was the first video i had ever uploaded and i was quite proud of myself.  the next morning, as i had time to reconsider this,  so many of my facebook friends had commented that they were looking forward to seeing me.  i even got a facebook friendship request from a woman who said that while she lived in wyoming (very far away from my home in winneta) i was not to worry because she was moving to iowa (much closer).  and a friend from the philippines posted a picture of a roasted pig and wrote that his entire village was going to give me a big party when i showed up.  too late to delete the video. . .

that felt like a lot of pressure.

UH OH! what have i done??? most years, i resolve to lose five pounds and give up drinking--and that lasts until twelfth night when i go on a white wine and chocolate bender. and nobody even knows about my failures!

but i really believe that what is truly worth doing must at first glance appear impossible.  and my resolution seemed impossible:  i would have to be on an airplane nearly every week.  i would have to visit nome, alaska at the northwestern tip of america, florida at its southeastern tip and everywhere in between.  i would have to visit thirteen countries.  i would have to be organized about it because, like every other new years resolution, it’s for one year.  365 days, 325 friends.  and i couldn’t weasel out of it because everybody i knew on facebook knew about it.

so i started visiting friends, the ones closest to home until i got a little more confident and could consider a lane ride. . . and i ignored the “how are you ever going to get yourself around the world?” that popped in my head.  there isn’t a single day last year that i didn’t think “i’m giving up” and “this is stupid”. . . and there isn’t a single day  last year when someone didn’t tell me “you should give up” and “this is stupid”. . . oddly, my facebook friends–the so called “just facebook friends” — posted encouragements and support.  it really does make a difference.  if you have a facebook account, go out today and randomly pick five friends.  post something positive on their wall.  i promise you, they will glow. . .

at the end of 2011, i had visited with 292 friends–exactly ninety percent.  the remaining ten percent either didn’t want to see me, are dead, are in jail, have abandoned their accounts, have been involved in their own travels so that i can’t pin them down, or are spambots.  oh, and four people who have become too famous to consider me their friend anymore.

this year, i have been more focused on visiting friends who are like me.  there’s a name for me–agoraphobia, or what the ancient greeks would call “fear of the marketplace”.  i like to think of myself as reclusive, hermetic, withdrawn, or maybe just shy.  and maybe scaredy cat is a good one.  i’m one of those people who would never leave my house if i didn’t have to.  you have people like that in your family, in one of the houses on your street, amongst your friends.

yesterday, i really didn’t want to leave the house but i was scheduled to visit facebook friend #302.  janet browall lives about two hours away from me and i was worried because my windshield is cracked.  my car is falling apart.  and also, to be fair, i ALWAYS want to stay home.  but i dutifully drove west. . .

i know what you're thinking--that i didn't actually see janet and that i googled "goldie hawn" and have slapped her picture up on this blog. no, this is actually janet. she's gorgeous!

we spent a wonderful hour filling in the gaps of facebook.  you can’t be friends just by paying attention to posts.  there has to be some physical interaction, even if it’s just sharing a cup of coffee at starbucks.  she has panic attacks and is worried about an upcoming flight she has to take on her own.  i have suggested self-hypnosis because it worked for me.  also, a preflight beer.  or four.

i felt like janet and i had known each other forever and i would have liked to spend more time with janet, but i had one other errand to do. . .

one of the things i am amazed by is the wide variety of religious and spiritual beliefs amongst my friends.  i have come to appreciate how we all strive to make a connection to something beyond ourselves.  my facebook friend bonnie bradlee was the #70 friend i visited last year.  we knew each other in high school and last year we met in person for the first time in thirty years.  bonnie has become a christian and her faith has led her to become part of missions of healing and support around the world.  last year, she went to hydrabad, india to mission.  she had a remarkable story to tell me yesterday.

she also related to me that when she was in india, people wanted to have their pictures taken with her more so than with any other person on her mission.  at the end of the trip, it was with a weary and sorry heart that she discovered that the reason people wanted that souvenir was because she is, well, overweight.  and she believed God has spoken to her, telling her that she cannot mission to his people who are sick or starving when she represents excess.  so for her, this year is about bonnie.  we worked out together and i saw an incredible determination to lose weight.  not for vanity’s sake, or to attract the attentions of a man, but to be able to better serve the Lord.

however, i am a mischievous woman.  and i believe God appreciates a little whimsy.  i took bonnie to get a manicure and a pedicure.  after all, Paul the Apostle said to the Corinthians “do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  you are not your own; you were bought at a price.  therefore honor God with your body” (1 Cor. 6:19-20).  he had some definite opinions about manicures, pedicures, working out, getting a good haircut, although he really didn’t go in for laser hair removal and restylane.

today, i will work on getting that windshield fixed and then i have to get myself out on the road again. . .

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February 25, 2012

the unbearable is borne with such grace

By arlynnpresser

i wandered lost in detroit circling 11 mile road before pulling up to the home of f2fb friend #301 brenda jeffries.  i was late, my gps has something wrong with it.  as i pulled the mini up to the curb, i noticed movement behind the front door.  but i was distracted by the lot across the street.

“that’s my daughter,”  a voice said from behind me.

“brenda!”

we hugged.  and then she repeated that across the street was her daughter.

at first i thought she meant that her daughter lived in the quirky little camper surrounded by tiny stone angels and plastic flowers brightening the gray city snow.  then i noticed the weathered posterboard of a young girl.

“that’s where the car was parked,”  brenda said, shrugging her head towards a clump of bushes.  “when raven was taken.”

six year old raven was playing on august 4, 2008 in the lot while the car idled.  brenda could check in every once in a while by looking out her window.  the other kids went home safely.  raven disappeared.  three days later, her charred body was found.  the police wouldn’t let brenda see her baby girl and it was left to her eldest son to text her pictures from the morgue.  the crime remains unsolved although brenda has a pretty good idea (and so do the police) as to who did it.  the camper is where people have sometimes gathered for vigils in raven’s honor.  the lot is owned by the city, as are many pieces of property in the neighborhood although brenda is as tied to the lot as any generation of farmers to their fields.  i put one of the stuffed animals that eastman has given me next to an angel.

brenda didn’t get out of the house much before–and going to the funeral was the hardest experience of her life on so many levels–but after her daughter’s murder, she found it unbearable to work at the store two blocks away where raven often hung out after school while brenda worked.

brenda finds it difficult to be in the house by herself and her three remaining children coordinate their schedules so that they can be with her as much as possible.  when i was there, her eldest son had moved in with her–his bedroom is at one end of the hall and brenda’s room (which she shares with all of raven’s possessions) is at the other end of the hall.

i went to use the bathroom and i couldn’t get the light to work.  then it dawned on me that the electricity had been turned off.  which may have explained the necessity for turning on the burners on the kitchen stove.   i met her adult children and her baby granddaughter — who is so adorable i nearly made the oft repeated compliment of “i just want to take this one home with me!”  for once, my mouth wasn’t as fast as my cautious brain.

we looked at pictures of raven and some dolls that brenda has for her.  we both share the catholic faith and there is a beautiful rosary dangling over a portrait of raven in the living room.  i noticed the prayer card from her funeral and then another card–one of raven’s best friends was killed in a car accident two years to the exact day after raven.

brenda is part of a number of agoraphobia support groups on facebook.  i never knew they existed until this year and they are generally closed and invitation only.  it’s one way in which facebook protects privacy.  a lot of brenda’s friends are from england.  her  adult children are her “safe” people–but she trusted me enough to take a walk with me.

we stopped in front of the store where she had worked.  where raven had played.  where she told me about her attitude about the amber alert.  oddly, while i was filming her, a dark nondescript car (hell, i can’t tell the difference between any brands) parked behind me.  the car and its driver stayed put, just watching–i felt kind of spooked.  in fact, i sort of felt like if i had brenda’s life i wouldn’t leave the house much either.

i drove away wishing i had a magic wand.  that i could make brenda’s life better.  that i could make raven come back.  i drove back through the snowstorm to chicago thinking that all the petty stupid things i get mad at my sons for–not calling enough, not cleaning their rooms, forgetting valentine’s day (!)–i needed to back up and count my blessings.  i made a promise to brenda’s eldest son that i would return and i will.

brenda, who bears the unbearable with such grace, has often sent me messages of encouragement or of support and i wonder where she has the energy and the stamina to care so much for others!

oh, and the car that pulled up behind me while i was filming brenda?  it followed me out onto lonyo avenue and up michigan until i veered off onto the 94 ramp . . . .

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