Tag Archives: agoraphobia

December 30, 2011

your new years resolution is going to happen in 2012!

By arlynnpresser

. . . . and how to use this blog to help you!

last year, at december 30, i woke up and decided what i was going to do to change my life.  not change it by saying i’m going to lose five pounds, drink less, get more organized.  none of those resolutions that disappear by february, leaving self-loathing as a lenten finish.

i am a person who doesn’t leave the house unless i have to.  i am person who is afraid all the time.   i am a person who lives alone but thinks i have a great social life because i’m on the computer all day and i’m communicating.  particularly on facebook.

emily dickinson was a nineteenth century poet who was a reclusive spinster. i am not a spinster, having been married once. and i'm not a poet. but she definitely would have had a healthy facebook account.

so i decided i would meet every one of these people whom i have messaged and messaged by, posted and responded to posts, liked and commented on.  i knew it would mean getting on a plane.  going to a country not my own.  meeting people.  some of them for the first time.  or at least the first time in a long time.  but i knew i was sick of being me.  of drinking or taking ativan to make it through the things that most people regard as just what you do in our modern times.  don’t tell me to try therapy–i have and i think therapy just makes me dependent on a therapist.  don’t tell me drugs–i like them, don’t get me wrong, but drugs just help me addicted to drugs.  meditation, hypnosis, etc.–i’ve tried them.  this time i would try relying on me . . . and my friends.

so for you, make a resolution.  make it huge.  make it so huge it scares you.  it should really scare you.  and then tell everyone of your friends.  on your facebook page, on a comment to this blog, by telling the town gossip, whatever it takes.

in my case, i posted a video on my facebook profile page and within hours i knew what this year was going to be like.  it scared me.  and it should have.  if you want to read about that, go to the top of this blog page and click on the “for those who like to start at the beginning”.  then i started taking baby steps.  small discrete things i could handle.  some of the results were funny.  some were heartbreaking.  some were scary.  some made me feel really strong.

do one thing each day in furtherance of your resolution and don’t for a moment think about the obstacles way ahead of you.  trust that you will be strong enough for them when you get there.

the biggest thing i was scared of was traveling around the world.  i decided to break up the friends into geographic zones and visit a few in each zone  and make the travels just a little more challenging each time.  and then come back home and see friends in chicago.

which totally reminds me, i saw facebook friend #290 yesterday.  she was pretty funny.  she didn’t want me to use her name and instead wants me to call her agent 99.  okay that’s fine.  i’m seeing facebook friend 291 today and possibly 292 tomorrow.  i will get to about ninety percent of my goal.

some friends were unreachable.  some friends were reluctant and i have no interest in forcing anybody to do something they don’t want to do.  some friends had their own issues that made seeing them impossible.  quite bluntly, there are four friends in california that would have seen me but i ran out of money–and i’ve been to their area of california twice already.

i’ve been to over 51 different cities.  i’ve been on at least forty five flights.  i’ve taken trains, cars, buses, planes although never a boat.  i’ve been to mexico city, the top of alaska, around the world.  i traveled through new york enough times that i honestly can’t remember.  i’ve made new friends.  i’ve rediscovered old friends.  and now when i read a post or a comment, i have a picture in my head of the person.  i know who they are in a way that can’t be communicated just through facebook or a social network site.

i have to make a new years resolution for 2012 and i want it to include some aspect of helping others who are in somewhat the position i was in last year.

rely on your friends to help you with your resolution.  if you don’t ask your friends for help, you’re saying you don’t need them.  and if that’s the case, what kind of friend are you?

i want to be the friend who helps.  contact me on facebook or comment at this blog.  i want to be the friend who helps another friend.


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November 25, 2011

you’re invited! to a pity party! in fact, you can just stay home because that’s where the best pity parties are!

By arlynnpresser

so the weekend before turkey day was actually quite a good one for f2fb!  i got to see f2fb friend #261 kristan schmidt who is the director of walkabout theater in chicago.  we didn’t see a walkabout production, instead we saw “ask aunt susan” at the goodman theater.  the goodman is great chicago theater.   they have several shows running on any one night, they have a bar and a gift shop.  they were especially hawking items for “a christmas carole” which has just opened*.  the goodman building had been a xxx-rated movie theater when i was a teenager.  now that there’s the internet there’s no need for that sort of theater.  ain’t progress grand?

my great grandfather fritz leiber, sr., was a shakespearean actor who often appeared in chicago. here, he is pictured on the movie set of "cleopatra" with his costar theda bara

kristan is friends with seth bokey the playwright and the show was terrific.  and very deep.  so much social commentary that i was a little lost.  after the play, there was a talk back session with the director.  i went out to the bar and got me and kristan a drink.  that’s when i discovered that it’s uncouth to bring your plastic glass of wine into the theater.  i felt like a late stage alcoholic.  or at least that people were looking at me like i was one.

it was great to catch up with kristan. she produced a play eastman was in six years ago. she has had twins since then.

the next night,   i went to the mary-arrchie theater to see the work of f2fb friend #262 carlo garcia who directed “red light winter”.  chicago is a town of great theater diversity.  the mary-arrchie is what some might call “storefront” theater or, to be very precise, “right over the liquor store” theater.  the door to the theater warned that “nudity, strong sexual content, violence, and drug use” would be part of the production.  it was a lot of sin to fit into an hour and a half and it got fit in quite nicely.  and i didn’t realize that the custom of the theater is to purchase a bottle of something at the store and forget glassware.  during the second act, one audience member dropped her cabernet sauvignon and the bottle rolled towards the actors.

tickets for red light winter can be purchased at maryarrchie.com and christmas carole tickets can be purchased at goodmantheatre.org -- please don't get the two plays confused!

but then i had a set back.  my sunday friend cancelled.  and so did the one for monday.  and wednesday.  sure, it was the lead up to thanksgiving and people’s schedules were tightening.  and then i think the worst thing happened:  the self-loathing kicking in.

i’ve made some mistakes with this project.  some that probably will make it difficult to finish this by december 31.   so i had a big pity party. . .

you're invited to a pity party! must wear pajamas. must not answer phone. must not go outside. must repeat "life is hopeless". exaggerate the importance of physical maladies. be afraid of everything outside of your house. and a few things inside your house.

it was my joseph who called me at thanksgiving.  it is an element of this pity party that neither of my two boys would be coming home for the holiday.  joseph said i was allowed the rest of the day.  then it had to stop.  eastman called me and repeated the same thing.  so today i am taking off my pajamas and wearing something else.  oh, and i have my lunch set up with f2fb friend #263. . . .

a pity party is easy to set up.  hard to take down.  but the first step for me is to forgive myself and open the front door.  the whole reason for the new years resolution is so that i don’t end up one of those reclusive old ladies with seventeen cats and a collection of all the winnetka talk back issues since before the last world war whose house no kid will approach for trick or treating.

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June 3, 2011

what if i can’t deliver?

By arlynnpresser

i take my fiance wherever i go--mr. clark (f2fb #60)

i spent yesterday acting a little like a chihuahua huddled up under the sofa during the thunderstorm.  the skies were clear, there wasn’t a peep from the heavens, and all was right with the world . . . except for my house.

i had a day long anxiety attack thinking about going to california.  there will be friends–allen, jose, candice, howard, and others.  some people i’ve known for a long time, some i haven’t seen in forever, and some i haven’t ever met.  it will be fun.  it will be crazy.  there will be surprises.

and i’m scared.  i think the hypnosis has worn off. so i will put into place my emergency airplane ritual:

1.  cardio exercise until i am exhausted

2.  meditation

3.  beer

repeat as necessary.

still, there was one person i could see today that would put me to rights:  markie carlson gekas is a toy and gift shop owner i have known for nearly fifteen years.  we shared a lunch outside and talked about our children,  our mutual friends, and our aspirations.  she has a business that has done well, but this economy has taught her that she will not be able to retire.  i shoved away the worries i have about my future. this has been a difficult year for EVERYBODY.

still, i noticed i relaxed enough so that i could come home and pack the bag.  including the lucky flight plan, the fiance, two rosaries, and one evil eye protector.  it’s a wonder i have room for my laptop and a change of clothes.

question is, what happens if i freak and can’t get on the plane?

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June 2, 2011

sandra bullock’s doppelganger

By arlynnpresser

sandra bullock gets asked at least twice a day “does anybody tell you that you look like arlynn presser?”  she must be very flattered.  stammers.  maybe gets hives.  i get the same thing just people asking me about her.  we’re similar to the eye, although possibly also to the ear:  i’ve been told that my laugh ends with a particular nasal sound that .  . . oh, just go to netflix and get miss congeniality and you’ll see what i mean!  we’re twins.  in a way.

i once was in an airport and signed an autograph because i was baffled.

but i met my psychological twin last night when i had dinner with ben gonzalez (f2fb #140) and marissa durbin (f2fb #141).  we were outside in their backyard.  it was as the landscape architect frederick law olmsted imagined american life should be–several different families came out of their houses, sat for a spell, waved as they passed, hung out, checked their cell phones.  okay, maybe that last part was not olmsted’s vision. marissa and ben have an adorable seventeen month old desmond who is the playboy attracting admirers.  olmsted must have anticipated desmond.

the next door neighbor came out of her home.  she was wearing green capri pants and a white t-shirt.  i was wearing. . . it must have been a black dress.  but we were still indistinguishable.  she hovered, she chatted, she was so sociable, but when asked to sit down with us, she declined.   disappeared and returned.  when i asked her to sit with me a second or maybe a third time, she said “i can’t.  i’m very antisocial.  i have agoraphobia.”

i asked her about her anxiety attacks, which roughly track mine–meaning that she can negotiate zones of safety and outside of that, it’s too terrifying.  she has recently lost her job (a safe zone) and her home (the safest zone) is being foreclosed upon.  she has sent her sons away in the hope that if they aren’t living in the house, the bank will not go after them.  she had her first anxiety attack on the block near her home just a few days ago.  there is a closing in of the boundaries just as the “safe” zone is going to be taken away from her. and her sons–whom she is trying to protect–are not there to help her.

i wanted to say “come with me!” i have laid out a track of junkets–i’m off to california on sunday whether i like it or not!  i’m in ohio the week after.  new york, rhode island, boston. . . i have two friends in alaska and damnit i have a friend in hawaii who is moving to turkey (no slur on turkey)

i will assume i am having a near death experience every step of the way just like my twin has just found out that she will have every time she goes to the bus stop on her block.

i have tried everything to stop panic attacks.  therapy.  every prescription drug.  some nonprescription drugs.  acupuncture.  hypnosis.  alcohol. meditation.  prayer. nothing has worked.  but this year i’ve done things i never would have thought possible.

flying on a plane.  being in a different country.  boxing with a ukrainian middleweight.  driving a car in that direction.  and the other direction.  popping open a champagne bottle with a sabre sword.  watching a funnel cloud form over my head.  seeing people i would never get a chance to see if i stayed in my house and bought the requisite seventeen cats that being my age requires.

but i couldn’t say “come with me!” to ben and marissa’s neighbor, my twin in the green capri pants.  because i’m not even quite halfway there.  i may fail.  i think odds are i will.

so she said i have to go back home, i have facebook, i have other sites, my back aches from being in front of the computer, and i said “pleasure meeting you” and what i want to say is “at the end of the year i will come back for you”

the real focus was marissa and ben.  i met ben initially because his uncle–a renown photographer and author–did my portrait four years ago.  i happened to be nude at the time.  i love the picture although i’m not sure you’d know who it was and you might mistake me for sandra bullock.  ben and marissa were just friends for the longest time and then. . . .

i am planning out the california, ohio, new york trip and yeah, i will  be scared.  i am home now.  safe zone.  but the train keeps riding. . . .

 

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May 12, 2011

you can’t possibly be an agoraphobic, judy says to me

By arlynnpresser

judy wilkinson (f2fb #119) got out of bed today precisely because she knew she was meeting me.  otherwise she spent the day in bed reading.  me, i got out of bed today precisely because i knew i was meeting judy wilkinson.  otherwise i spent the day in bed reading.  judy and i both said to ourselves that we didn’t want to disappoint the other!

judy and i have known each other since the early 1990s when my two sons did children’s theater.  you haven’t lived until you’ve seen a production of guys and dolls performed by fourth through eighth graders.  and judy was (and still is) on the board of the winnetka children’s theater.  i was a stage mom.  judy was at one point involved in three different theater companies while working and raising her children.

this prime time woman is fearless.  for instance, she has gotten up onstage two years in a row in winnetka’s village follies benefit show as a, ahem, cougar.  she vamps, she sings, she acts, she dances. but claims she can’t dance anymore.  she can do anything she sets her mind to.

judy has had several incarnations.  she was a medical technologist, an antiques shop owner, a realtor, and she’s a lifelong sailor.  on most wednesday evenings, judy can be found at hackney’s restaurant and while i was dining with her, several people came to pay their respects and get a little love from her.   i felt like our new mayor rahm emmanuel could learn from her the exact way to deal with the populace.

and i’m thinking maybe agoraphobia isn’t the correct term for me.  agoraphobia comes from the greek words agora (place of assembly in a city state, or the marketplace) and phobia (fear).  it tends to describe people who get panic attacks when they are out and about and then the anticipation of a panic attack causes them to avoid being out and about.  until they finally learn to shut themselves up in their homes and put out the white flag.

maybe a better term is panophobia.  fear of everything.  everything would just about sum it up.

this morning, i’m feeling way better.  and i have to because i am going to see a special facebook friend who is battling back from a stroke.  she is learning to walk–and i want to be at my most helpful.

in any event, i feel so good and i have to ask. . . .

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February 27, 2011

good morning, new york!

By arlynnpresser

on december 30, 2010 a lot of people were making new year’s resolutions. me, too! mine in previous years have generally included losing weight and not drinking and getting better organized. this year, i decided i would meet every facebook friend i have. at the time it was a little more than three hundred.

i work at home, my kids are out of the house. i’ve always had trouble with strange and unfamiliar places. always had trouble with anxiety attacks, particularly when i’m away from home. i would probably turn out to be a gal with sixteen cats and nobody finds my body until three weeks after i’m dead.

i picked meeting my facebook friends because it was a big enough project that it seems impossible (and believe me, every morning i wake up and think this is impossible) and because it would be a public humiliation to give up. i’m meeting facebook friend number 58 john r. douglas later this morning. i’m in new york. i’m doing it. but i can’t say i’m doing it very well.

some of you who have read this blog remember that my trip to tallahassee to visit my father justin (who is f2fb #30) was a disaster because he suffered from a prescription drug induced psychosis. i had to cancel seeing jonathan boyd, dale morgan, sarah loeffel roberts, and sammie scruggs in order to try to care for him. f2fb#32 reggie came and stayed at my father’s apartment to help. at the end, as i was leaving for the airport my father’s paranoia turned towards me. he attacked, i fled, and hours later he was institutionalized for four days.


i will be very happy to be at home soon. i will feel safer. don’t get me wrong. new yorkers are fun. new york friends are great. but i’m wickedly nervous. maybe some coffee at cafe europa will help.

i have been so lucky to get messages, notes, posts, emails, phone calls from friends this week–i really couldn’t do this at all on my own.

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January 12, 2011

lock myself in the basement day

By arlynnpresser

i spent most of the day in bed today, texting “migraine” when anybody called.  but really, just being scared.  i had a “lock myself in the basement” day.

i was born in 1960 to aleta and justin leiber.  they lived in chicago with justin’s parents fritz and jonquil leiber.  here’s the cheesecake picture (it was given to me by justin when i met him when i was twenty five)

at some point, justin and aleta put me up for adoption through the children’s home and aid society of chicago.  i went to the patrick family of western springs, illinois.  here’s a picture of me after i had been adopted–it was the day i was baptised into the patrick’s methodist faith which was important to them.  i’m the one on the left.

very soon after this picture was taken, mrs. patrick had some kind of reaction to the world and to me.  it must have been overwhelming to be a new mom to a kid who wanted to go back to wherever she came from.  mrs. patrick was frantic about keeping order.  my most common transgression was to steal candy from mr. patrick’s desk or cookies from the treat drawer in the kitchen.

she would lock me in the basement.

i might sentenced to a day.  morning until bedtime.  if longer than a day, i would, upon waking, go back to the basement.  oddly, she always let me take a book with me.

sometimes she thought the basement wasn’t punishment enough, because i was so stubborn i wouldn’t cry, and so she would make me take off all my clothes or she would mark out parts of basement where i could sit and other parts where i couldn’t.  but if i had a book, i didn’t care where i was.   sure, i did other things than read.  i devised a series of number games played on my fingers.  i can, if we meet, show you those games.  kind of like solitaire but no cards.  almost everything i know comes from the world book encyclopedia for young adults, volumes 1-20, which the patricks owned and i kick butt on the caribou coffee trivia question every day because of that series.  i would take one volume each day into the basement.

the punishments the world gives us make us stronger, but only stronger at taking that particular punishment.  i’m great at being locked up but i want to be good at being unleashed.  i want to go out into the world this year to meet every friend, to charge across streets in a city i’ve never been, to get lost on a highway, to find out somebody’s passion for their lives*, to have the whole horizon out in front of me, to not know what’s going to happen next, to accept that the world is way more chaotic than the first two steps of the basement stairewell where nothing changes and the only sound is the furnace firing up and the comforting world is printed on a page.

tomorrow i pack for the first leg of the journey.  i am commuting my own sentence.  if you’re one of my facebook friends, help me do this.

*i mean, jeez, how much better can it get than chris castino’s passion for voluntary mutism?  and i haven’t even uploaded facebook friend peter lind’s account of reopening hospitals in new orleans after katrina.

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January 1, 2011

the face to facebook project is underway!

By arlynnpresser

it’s january first and i have just 365 days to meet 324 friends!  i sure hope reggie gholston does not get redeployed to baghdad!  i hope i can get over my natural aversion to aeroflot airlines!

 

step one:  index cards.  i’m a big believer in them.  i’ve been going through my friends and each friend gets an index card.  i’m trying to organize them by geography so i can consolidate.  some surprises:  jeffrey cokefair has apparently disappeared off the face of the earth and steve ware has moved to brooklyn.  also, i’m friends with two newspapers–the winnetka current and the winnetka talk–as well as phototronics*.  i’m not sure how to have some quality time with those last three friends.

step two:  set up an itinerary!  i already have a grand midwestern tour in mind.  a stepdaughter, a bartender, my son joseph’s best friend from high school, a guy who writes operas, my best friend from high school and his wife, and a curious couple from kankakee.  it will take three days minimum for the road trip.  one of the reasons why i think this project is good for me is that i’m agoraphobic.  i don’t like to leave the house and can sometimes go for days without actually talking or interacting in an “actual” way with anyone.  i can sometimes go several weeks without actually crossing the borders of my town.  i wonder if facebook allows agoraphobics to give in to their natural impulses but at the same time think of themselves as very social.  it’s certainly done that for me!

 

*facebook told me that phototronics is having a birthday today.  i wonder if i’m supposed to send an e-card to a photo processing store!

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