Tag Archives: friendship

February 13, 2012

eight pounds, four daughters, three sons, and many friends–what facebook gave me this year for valentine’s day!

By arlynnpresser

weight on january 1, 2011 — 138

children as of january 1, 2011 — joseph, living in new york, and eastman, a freshman at oberlin college in oberlin, ohio

facebook friends–325

new sons acquired during the past year and one month–

emilia who is from indonesia.  he’s muslim, likes hip hop and jempoler’s mania.  aldo who lives in seoul but is originally from indonesia.  he’s also a friend of emilia.  it’s nice when siblings get along.

shizuka who is from nagano, japan and has more siblings and daughters and cousins than anybody i know.  and oddly, i’m not his only mom.  and he’s just three years younger than me.

daughters:  maya and andrey from indonesia and ayin from malaysia–cory who is about to leave quezon city and move to kuwait to work for burger machine.

i think on facebook it’s sort of a sweet “extra” friendship to list friends as your relatives.  so they join my father justin and my sister casey, and my biological sons joseph and eastman as part of my facebook family.  and i have a lot of new facebook friends, many of whom have written to me about their experiences with being what once was called a “recluse” but is now more frequently called agoraphobic or having a social phobia.  facebook allows us to have friends and family but not necessarily have to travel or see them in order to keep up in real time.  so the reclusive or the socially anxious person isn’t shut out of social interaction.  the only difficulty is figuring out what is real and what is not real on facebook.  for instance, you might believe i have nine children. . . .

weight as of this morning:  146 pounds.  i blame my thyroid.  or maybe spending a year (2011) traveling–airport food is a diet buster.  does anybody know how to lose weight quickly?

tomorrow, we celebrate valentine’s day, a day that combines family, friends, and gaining weight.  how?  well, there’s chocolate, the traditional gift of the day–that’s going to put some more pounds on me.  and there’s love–which we share with our friends and family and on this day we try to make a point of expressing to them.  and then there’s the pressure. . .

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February 11, 2012

travel tips from an agoraphobic

By arlynnpresser

last year, i made a resolution to visit my facebook friends.  i managed two hundred and ninety two visits, circumnavigating the globe with my son joseph, learned about my friends and their lives outside of the facebook page.  i picked up a few travel tips along the way. . . as i head back out onto the road!

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February 9, 2012

so this is taking the unfriending thing a little too far. . . a story about murder.

By arlynnpresser

sixty year old marvin potter of johnson county, tennessee has been charged with the murder of billy payne, jr., 36, and his 23 year old girlfriend billy jean hayworth.  the couple were shot to death in their mountain city home, although (thank goodness!) their eight month old baby was found unhurt in his dead mother’s arms.

potter’s thirty year old daughter jennelle potter was un-friended by payne and hayworth after what the couple described as jennelle harassing them on facebook (and sometimes on phone).  jennelle’s sometimes boyfriend jamie lynn curd (who is second cousin to billy payne) was charged with helping marvin potter.  jennelle is probably going to be charged as well and guess where the police are looking for their evidence?  yep, facebook. . . .

marvin potter and jamie curd in court. if they use the defense of "justifiable homicide" i think i have to review everybody i've ever unfriended. including that creepy guy who kept sending me pictures of himself. like, those kind of pictures of himself.

wow!  unfriending gets you murdered?  well, it reminds me of something that happened to me earlier this year.  i was unfriended and blocked by a facebook friend who read my post about yoga.  she was pretty upset with me and felt that i had disrespected her “sacred” place–namely, the yoga studio that she attends.  she also defriended two of my other facebook friends on the same day.  don’t worry–i have no interest in getting out a shotgun.  in fact, i want to apologize to her but i’m a little uncertain how to do it or what i’m apologizing for.  also, the tone of the email she sent me was pretty unequivocal and expressly told me to not respond.

i think if you read my blog often enough or if you know me personally, you know i have trouble with the grape. if i feel rejected, dejected, depressed, compressed, i'll reach for that white wine. i was really surprised i was able to resist. although i spent the entire next day in bed and was awfully sick.

i’m not sure how to send a note of apology and, oddly, her email went to my inbox while i was in the air coming back from having seen her.  we hugged and kissed as we parted.  i even mailed off a “thank you for having me” note before i opened up my email inbox.  and i got very “wha. . . ?” emails from the two other ladies who were unfriended as well.

 

i try to be real careful about how i blog about people's religious beliefs. and i try to keep an open mind in real life. on the other hand, i have a tendency to make fun of EVERYTHING! and i need to be more careful. i recognize the usual isms--christianity, judaism, islam, hinduism, buddhism.

the odd thing is that i had been a skeptic about yoga.  now i’m not so sure–i found one class made me stronger, calmer, and i even did a backbend (at fifty one this is no small accomplishment).

 

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February 8, 2012

deactivating — the time out from facebook

By arlynnpresser

Hey there my close family and friends!

I have decided to unplug from all social networks, such as FB, yahoo email and cell phone. This experience will not only help my current relationships grow stronger but it will make one heck of a paper to write about for my school. So if you want to get a hold of me for the next 90 days (May 1st) You can call my home number which is xxx-xxx-xxxx, stop by my house or send me a letter (which I would love!, even if it is just to tell me how crazy I am)

I love all of you and I hope I hear from most, if not all of you in these next 90 days!

Love you!

 

when i saw the above message in my facebook message box i was taken aback.

no facebook? no cell phone? no twitter? argh!!!!!!!!!

deactivating a facebook account means that you effectively disappear from facebook.  but you can reactivate the account at any time.  maybe you just want a break.  maybe you want to focus your efforts on real relationships.  maybe you want to get some work done.  facebook will send you a manipulative message asking if you really want to deactivate your account because everybody will miss you, but hey, it’s your choice. . . .

people cannot find you on facebook and your skin and hair turns ghostly white. you don't have eyes or a nose or a mouth. and you have a cowlick. it's spooky!

 

my son and his girlfriend both deactivated their account when they broke up so that their mutual friends could not gossip on facebook about them.  two weeks later, both were back on facebook.  facebook reactivation gives you back all your information, profile pics, the messages, the status updates unchanged.  deleting an account is a little more dire–then you disappear and if you decide you want to go back to facebook, you have to start all over.  facebook claims it retains all account information for fourteen days, kind of a cooling off period in case you reconsider.

i’m going to be very interested in what happens to my friend and whether she returns to facebook before may one.  there has been considerable dissatisfaction with facebook’s changing privacy standards and format, but facebook’s growth in terms of users suggests that any trend towards deletion of accounts isn’t happening.  which makes me wonder. . .

 

 

 

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February 3, 2012

aim high — in this case 52 stories!

By arlynnpresser

so i went to a yoga class at south boston yoga studio with my facebook friend mary mcmanus.  last year, she was friend number 168, meaning she was the one hundred and sixty eighth person i saw in 2011.  she took me on a tour of my older son joseph’s campus–in all four years he attended boston university, i had not once flown out to see him.  bad mother?  maybe.  but it was because i was afraid.   afraid of travel, afraid of flying, afraid of everything.  meeting all your facebook friends all over the world puts a dent in the fear of flying thing.

in any event, i told mary that my new year’s resolution for 2012 is to pay forward the encouragement, love and support shown to me by my facebook friends, mary most particularly.  she was my cheerleader.  she was always one for a good word of encouragement.  i wanted to give that to others and i told her i was coming into boston to meet two new facebook friends who have trouble with panic attacks and fear.  mary and her husband tom invited me to stay with them.  i went out for a three hour lunch with mary the moment i arrived.  i felt so loved and so happy.  we went to the yoga class in part because mary is devoted to yoga but also because i wanted to see for myself whether it had the anti-anxiety effects mary promised.

it sure did.  my acid reflux was gone.  for the first time in weeks, i didn’t have that horrible sword in chest feeling.  i’m not one for organized exercise classes, never gone in for chanting, but this was the goods!  then mary and i went to meet mary tabbi-fuller and her sister in law angela lopresti.  i was a little concerned about mary because she had spent the weekend in the hospital, suffering from an episode of low blood sugar.  i hoped it wasn’t brought on by anxiety.

the four of us ate lunch and mary had prepared a list of resources for angela and lisa to consider.  boston area doctors and therapists and, of course, the south boston yoga studio.   and then it was time to try. . .

there are many ways to overcome generalized panic and anxiety — but one that i really appreciate is conquering one thing and then taking that “wow, i did it!” feeling and applying it to other situations.  lisa and angela both were afraid of elevators but most particularly of heights.  lisa,  a phlebotomist, felt that some of her anxiety had led her to calling in sick more than was acceptable and she needed to get a grip on her fear.  we chose the fifty second story of the prudential center. . .

i was so happy walking into the light with mary, lisa and angela!

angela, mary, me, and lisa at the top of the hub in boston! notice we're not scared to sit by the window, which isn't something i could have predicted!

 

today think of something you’re afraid of that you think most people are not.  i’m not talking about playing with an anaconda.  i am talking about having a conversation with the barista at your coffee joint, riding the Ferris wheel with your kids, speaking up for yourself at tomorrow’s sales meeting, forgiving a friend and letting them back into your life.

 

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February 2, 2012

yogini for a day!

By arlynnpresser

i think of yoga as ridiculous.  chanting.  poses.  incense.  overpriced spandex outfits.  but i went to yoga because my facebook friend from last year’s  journey asked me to give it a try. . .


can you have a yoga studio without a picture or statue of ganesh and maybe a few posters with inspirational phrases? jeez, i like my exercise to be short, nasty and brutish–just like thomas hobbes, the seventeenth century english philosopher promised me all life would be!
 
f2fb friend #168 mary mcmanus insisted that before we saw f2fb friends #295 lisa tabbi-fuller and her sister in law f2fb friend #297  angela lopresti* we had to try a yoga class.  she was convinced that south boston yoga studio was the place to go.  argh!  but since i was staying over at the home of tom and mary in order to save hotel money, i couldn’t very well refuse.

seriously, the teacher david vendetti didn’t look like this when he was playing the harmonium!
there’s chanting, incense, a statue of ganesh, the de rigeur spandex, and a teacher david vendetti who plays the harmonium.  he sang an indian song interwoven with melody and lyrics from aerosmith’s dream on.  i decided that dante had dropped me into a special heretofore unknown circle of hell.  my arms were burning, my legs contorted into positions that i could hardly remember from being a kid.

but then i sort of got into it.  i was awful at some poses.  and occasionally i was balancing on one foot and thought i would fall over on the impossibly serious yoga gal on my right.  a few times i thought the teacher was making fun of me, but hell, i wasn’t the model student.  then after an hour and a half i was as exhausted as i would have been had i been running and i realized that for about forty five minutes i had been completely out of my head, whcih is to say, i was in the moment.  i wasn’t thinking the drama stuff, i wasn’t part of myself, i was just part of the class.  that’s so cool.

i talked to david vendetti about whether yoga is helpful for people with anxiety–whether social phobias, agoraphobia, panic attacks)–and here’s what he had to say:

deal with your anxiety.

i’m not a convert.  i’m not going to be buying any incense.  i won’t be talking to my friends about their chakras and past lives.  but there was one odd thing that happened–for the first time in several years, i didn’t have acid reflux.  i didn’t have that pain in the chest i get when i eat or when i’m anxious.  coincidence?  i don’t know.  i’m with an open mind.  i felt okay.  maybe i should consider this as part of the arsenal against anxiety.

and in fact, i was pretty laid back.  me–laid back?

and i’d have to be laid back because i was about to take not one but two facebook friends up to the top of the prudential center in boston so we could talk woman to fear about heights and elevators.

i’m not necessarily going to give yoga another try, especially since the south boston yoga studio is, well, actually quite a distance from my home in chicago.  but you can have one free lesson (tell them arlynn sent you!) just go to http://www.southbostonyoga.net/ or to their address, 36 w. broadway, or call them at 617/315-7448

*i’ve decided to go back to the 2011 numbering system.  just easier for me.  so marshae white of lorain, ohio becomes #293, molly parshall of coldwater, michigan becomes #294, lisa tabbi-fuller becomes #295 and her sister in law angela becomes #296.  the f2fb project is back after a much needed hiatus!  now i just have to figure out how to answer all my messages and emails.  i fall further and further behind. .. .

but in boston i was focused on two galpals who have anxiety attacks that debilitate and i was wondering whether yoga could help them. . . .

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January 30, 2012

thomas hobbes or calvin and hobbes–i make it to boston for a surprise

By arlynnpresser

so the boston trip to see a facebook friend looks pretty uncertain as i head for o’hare on sunday morning.

i sorted out with the t.s.a. that even if my ticket said ‘arlynnmissl”  that’s the same as “miss arlynn l” and then they STILL wanted to feel me up!  i got to ride first class for the first time because of my facebook friend tommy chang  who took my steerage ticket and upgraded me.  i felt like a princess when the flight attendant asked if he could hang up my coat.  but i was still uncertain as to what i would find in boston.  would i have to just hang around until my flight home?  would i visit lisa in the hospital?  would i find her at her home?  was i an intruder?

i get very bad anxiety attacks when i leave my home.  well, hell, sometimes i get them when i’m in my house too.  but i’m an avoider, an excuse maker, a “sorry i’m busy” person.  i want to be social, i want to see the world, i want to be out there, and yet what holds me back is the anxiety AND the certainty that i’ll have an anxiety attack and totally embarrass myself or lay myself open to the Hobbesian truth that nobody cares about anybody else.

thomas hobbes was a seventeenth century english philosopher who thought people had not one bit of love for one another. this is not a picture of thomas hobbes, but rather of the cartoon character from calvin and hobbes. if i have an anxiety attack in public, i assume that thomas hobbes will be proved right. the world would be a nicer place if the cat hobbes were correct.

 

i have tried drugs, therapy, more drugs, more therapy, drinking white wine, more drugs, more therapy.  a friend sent this article about lexapro which is a drug i have tried for anxiety attack.  most drugs, by the way, make me gain weight so i end up not taking them.  also, they’re not particularly effective.  so when i meet a facebook friend who is an adult with this condition suffering for a long time, i don’t judge.  i assume they’ve tried all the same things i’ve tried and found them just as ineffective. . . .  but this writer has a different story:

 

so now i am in boston, and just a few hours from meeting with my facebook friend lisa tabbi-fuller.  it was her birthday yesterday.  i hope today is the beginning of a really fabulous year!  and it’s going to start with us doing the thing that scares her the most. . .

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January 24, 2012

packed up for my first facebook journey of the new year!

By arlynnpresser

i am ready for a facebook friendship adventure!  or at least, i’ve packed my carharrt’s bag!  tomorrow morning i head east to ohio and then ultimately, on thursday, i will end up on the doorstep of my first facebook friend of the year.  she might have a panic attack.  i might have a panic attack.  we might together panic a bit.  there’s a certain element of uncertainty!

along with meriwether lewis, william clark led the lewis and clark expedition. beginning in 1803, the duo traveled for three years across the western half of the united states, securing for president thomas jefferson the pacific northwest. although dead since 1838, clark has a facebook page. he is my facebook friend and i visited him last year. okay, maybe i just visited his biographer lanny jones.

 

my facebook friend in michigan has not left the house for some time.  today i had a very afraid day and i think she must have those days every day. still, i want to see her and be a good friend to her.  i think it’s really important to use facebook as a tool for good friendship, but good friendship can’t “just” be facebook.

 

i am packed for adventure, with my william clark doll. he has been with me for every journey. last year, he traveled an estimated 60,000 miles. well, so did i.

 

so wish me and mr. clark luck–i am nervous, but i know that nervousness is just the other side of the coin of excited!

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January 22, 2012

sadly, pajama days must come to an end!

By arlynnpresser

i have been surprised by how quickly i have rediscovered pajama days.  sitting in front of my computer, reading a novel, taking hot showers just because i can’t keep warm in this drafty old house.  it’s easy to have one pajama become two pajama days, particularly when there’s facebook.com and  a chicago snowstorm.

for my friends who say that they've never seen snow. it comes down hard and fast and then has to be shoved aside by trucks. when i took this picture the driver stopped and asked if i wanted his autograph. i should have taken it because the folks who plow the snow away really are heroes.

 

i have realized that for all of my travels last year–thirteen countries, 292 friends, and so much love and support–i know that it’s really easy for me to fall back into bad habits of staying home.  if i do it any longer, i will end up right back into the cycle of having panic attacks, being scared i’ll have a panic attack if i go out, and then not going out of my house because of that possibility of the panic attack.  so this morning, i started off with a two hour run in the forest. . .

along the forest path, i met a cross country skier named harry who took my picture--it's hard to see, but there were deer in back of me. i think humans look pretty ridiculous to deer. like, why do those animals run on two feet when they have four perfectly fine hooves?

 

on wednesday i leave for the first of my 2012 f2fb trips.  east, right into the path of more snow.  it’s going to be good to force myself out of the house.  although the pajamas feel so comfortable and the pillows so soft. . .

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January 21, 2012

we’re going to party like it’s 4710!!!!

By arlynnpresser

today is another happy new year!  chinese new year is based on the lunar calendar and this year, year 4710, the first day of the chinese new year will be monday. but saturday is a good day to start celebrating with a traditional chinese new year’s eve family reunion dinner and to think about the coming year.  this year, for you i want good friendship–

the chinese symbol for friendship is two right hands facing each other. you will have a lot of people wish you long life, prosperity and health. don't get me wrong. i want those things for you too. but i especially appreciate and want your friendship!

 

legend has it that buddha invited twelve animals to dinner on the chinese new year’s eve.  he named a year for each one of the animals that showed up.  this coming year is the year of the dragon.  people born in the year of the dragon are supposed to be innovative, brave and passionate.  salvador dali was born in the year of the dragon.  so was john lennon.  i was born in the year of the rat which seems decidedly less glamorous.

if you’ve made a new year’s resolution — let’s say to lose five pounds or to visit every one of your facebook friends or whatever — you might have made that resolution on january one and now you might be feeling like you’re having a little trouble following through.  this is your chance to start again.  i have only a few words of advice:

aim high — if you aren’t scared of your new year’s resolution and your ability to do it, you’ve sold yourself short.  you should be scared of your resolution.

announce your resolution — to your friends, your family, to facebook, get the word out there so that you can have others hold you accountable the way you want to hold yourself accountable.

celebrate the small victories along the way and ask your friends to help you with making those small victories–if you don’t ask, you’re telling them you don’t need them.  

but i forgot that i have one other wish for you this year–

making any kind of change in your life requires courage. it takes courage to say that you need to and even more to follow through. i think courage is a good thing to put together with friendship.

this coming week, i will be visiting a young mom in coldwater michigan who will teach me about courage and friendship!

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