Monthly Archives: May 2011

May 20, 2011

i am one half of doug nash’s facebook population and who is aloha lester?

i first opened a facebook account when mark zuckerberg allowed regular folks–i made friends with my two sons joseph and eastman. and then suddenly, the friend requests started coming in. i was popular! which certainly wasn’t the case when i was a teenager. i accepted promiscuously. the guy who worked at the hardware store. the mom of the girl that eastman went out with in eighth grade. the gal who might have sat behind me in freshman world history. . . or maybe i’m confusing her with someone else. and then there were people i didn’t even know–aawagdy hakim. i had no idea who this guy or gal is. all of the profile is in arabic. but still, i get requests from aawagdy to play pirates versus ninjas, then mafia wars, then farmville. my facebook new years resolution to meet all my friends is certainly going to be as much of a surprise to aawagdy as it already has been to me!

doug nash and i went to high school in naperville (although i, of course, dropped out). i might remember him. he might remember me. we probably have confused each other with somebody else. but we’re facebook friends. in fact, i am exactly half the population of doug’s facebook friends list.

that’s because apparently i persuaded him to open up a facebook account because i said it was a good way to monitor what his children were doing. they’re young but if he already has an account, they can’t very well tell him he’s not allowed to have a facebook presence and he might even have the moral high ground to demand that they let him be their friend.

two rules for parents who are facebook friends with their children:

1. never comment on a status or a public post

2. don’t look at photos your child has posted or is tagged in. it will only upset you to see your little darling passed out with a four loko drink in her hand and “slut” written across her forehead.

doug and i live in adjoining towns and run into each other a few times a week. we sat down and talked about the upcoming end of the world, what our families are doing, the wonderful story of how he met his wife shelly, and his job, which is to read. doug is a trader and spends three or four hours a day reading the news, looking for how the market is going. he can do it in his pajamas at home. lucky guy.

doug is f2fb friend #126. i am doug’s f2fb friend #1.

“you only have one other facebook friend,” i pointed out. “who is aloha lester?”

“i have no idea,” doug said.

Leave a comment | tags: aawagdy hakim, doug nash, end of the world, f2fb, facebook, friendship, mark zuckerberg, rules for parents who friend their children | posted in Uncategorized

May 18, 2011

spring rolls before the end of the world

By arlynnpresser

harold camping of the christian family radio has warned that on this coming saturday may 21 there will be a cataclysmic earthquake, all the graves will fly open, the righteous shall ascend to heaven and the rest of us poor saps will wallow in horrificious-ness until God destroys the entire universe five months later, just before halloween.

the last time someone seriously proposed to me that the endtimes were nigh was in the lead up to january 1, 2000–the so called y2k disaster which was supposed to disable all of civilization. most people won’t admit to it, but regular joes stockpiled food, water, and sedatives. me? i laid in a year’s supply of firewood, champagne and cocktail napkins. i figured a black market would develop and if, as it so happened, nothing disastrous occurred, at least i’d have the makings for a good party.

but i don’t think anybody’s going to seriously want champagne while sitting out the end of the universe on october 21, so i have decided i need to make more immediate plans. i need some comfort food. so i went to dirk (f2fb #103) and f2fb #124 tom’s house to have spring rolls.

tom nguyen is from mekong delta, vietnam. he has a very large family, which includes f2fb #113 lynn nguyen and #125 phong huynh. tom’s family tried to leave vietnam after the vietnamese war but his mother suddenly balked as she stepped onto the boat that would take the family to freedom. she felt she could not leave the rest of her extended family behind and so she turned back. tom could not leave his mother, and he, along with some of his siblings, grew up in refugee camps. he’s a tough guy, but he has a sensitive side which expresses itself in his work as a doctor. he frequently returns to vietnam on medical missions.

when i first separated from my ex-husband, we decided that we didn’t want our sons to have to go back and forth between “dad’s house” and “mom’s house” so we instituted a custody schedule in which i stayed in the family home during the week but left on weekends and my ex maintained the opposite schedule. at all times, joseph and eastman stayed in their house. tom and dirk were nice enough to keep their guest room open for me. i didn’t like packing up for the weekend but i knew that whatever pain i felt about leaving the house was pain that joseph and eastman didn’t have to endure.

and every time i showed up at the house, tom would make me spring rolls. a little bit of basil, some chicken or shrimp, homemade fish sauce, some lettuce, all wrapped in a rice sheet. my saturday night “it’s gonna be all right” meal.

and, just for last night, my end of the world comfort food. it’s been almost a year since i have been at the house and i was surprised at the changes, including how tom’s tea pot collection has grown.

i also have to thank phong, who now lives in the guest room. he was off to basketball practice but he helped with dinner. i didn’t go in his room because he confided that it’s a bit messier than when i was there.

so when the end of the world comes on saturday, rev. camping, i will be just a little sad because a lot of my friends will rise up to heaven and a lot of my friends will stay here to endure the five months of the endtimes. but at least i got spring rolls first!

1 Comment | tags: end of world, facebook, friendship, harold camping, spring rolls, vietnam | posted in Uncategorized

May 17, 2011

the hand that rocks the cradle–heidi bloom

By arlynnpresser

i wish i had been adopted by someone like brangelina. i think, even as a toddler, i could have managed a smile for the paps and riding in a private plane has got to be better than the planes i have been on lately.

in the alternative, i wish i would have been adopted through the cradle in evanston where my friend heidi bloom, f2fb #123, works. we met for dinner and talked first about some mutual friends. then talked turned to facebook. twice, heidi has been contacted by gentleman callers from the past. a mixed blessing, she has concluded.

then talk turned to my new year’s eve resolution of meeting every one of my facebook friends. i have written a lot about adoption and heidi, who has been following my progress, had something to share.

first, she says the market has changed dramatically from when i was adopted in the sixties. back then, the cradle had nearly sixty babies in its nursery in evanston–and the challenge was asking people to open their homes and their hearts. mrs. florence dahl walrather, the cradle’s founder, encouraged celebrities to adopt (before brangelina, the cradle adoptive parents included bob hope, al jolson, and gale sayres) and she encouraged people to be open about adoption. heidi and i both agreed that kids would often make fun of kids who were known to be adopted and some extended families didn’t welcome the adoption. i think both of the patricks had trouble with explaining adoption to their parents.

these days, the cradle has a handful of babies at a time and there are often more adoptive parents available than babies.

second, heidi says that the cradle doesn’t encourage the erasure of memory and of every vestige of life before adoption. in my case, the patricks shortened my name from arlynn to “our” lynn to lynn–the full switch from “arlynn merrill leiber” to “lynn melody patrick”. i also had to give up my clothes and my stuffed kitty. that last part i remember as being particularly galling. heidi told me the story of a boy given the temporary name of “jerry cradle” after his mother left him with a firehouse–under safe haven rules–and how her group does its best to preserve the memory and the experience for a child.

i wonder if the reason i have so many plush toys in my car is that i’m still looking to replace the stuffed kitten that was my security. here is my trunk, and my plush fiance mr. william clark (f2fb #60) isn’t even packed yet!

thanks especially to eastman for the paris hilton purse with puppy in it!

i told heidi about my upcoming road trip which will take me through the middle section of the country–i’m looking forward to going through western illinois, iowa, missouri and possibly arkansas. i have bottled water and books on tape. but first, this afternoon, i have to meet with the facebook friend who will map out the itinerary for the next month!

you can learn a lot more about the cradle at http://www.cradle.org —

Leave a comment | tags: adoption, al jolson, bob hope, facebook, friendship, gale sayre, parison hilton, plush toys, safe haven, the cradle | posted in Uncategorized

May 15, 2011

let’s rewrite steel magnolias with a ufo and a gun battle!

By arlynnpresser

i don’t like opera because it’s always so long and i can’t understand why they are screeching so much. i don’t like ballet because it makes me regret whatever size i am wearing. but i love theater, especially when my sons are performing or when i’m writing and directing. if i’m writing/directing a musical, there has to be at least one very large object dropped onto the stage–a car, a ufo full of pink haired aliens, a flaming comet. if i’m writing/directing courtroom expositions* somebody has to be shot before the patrons have opened their first snickers mini. i don’t think it’s theater unless one person in the first row pisses their pants and someone in the second screams loudly.

steve walanka (f2fb #121) has twice done his best by me performing as a lawyer in “murder on lafayette square” and in “my father’s country not my own.” i don’t think i’ve ever asked him to handle a gun. i think both times he was on the losing side of the courtroom antics so he would be forgiven for holding a grudge.

for this f2fb project, he invited me to see a play he has been directing–steel magnolias at the st. sebastian players theater where i have worked in the past. i have never seen steel magnolias. when i heard it was about southern women in a hair salon, i thought why is steve writing and directing a play about beauty salons and southern women? i mean, he’s a lawyer, a democrat who has worked on a number of political campaigns. what does he know about ellnet hairspray or opi nail lacquer? and i highly doubt he’s ever had grits with or without the cheese.

i was utterly stunned to find out that a gentleman named robert harling wrote the play and that steve’s job was to corral six women, a series of radio personalities, and a stage crew. whenever i had rehearsals, somebody would always say “hey, do i really have to say this on stage?” and there’d be an argument and sometimes the gun would go off. i think this idea of having the writer and director be two different people is pretty cool.

steve, by the way, is directing my next play “consanguinity” and he is hereby granted the sole right to change every line. but please leave in the gun shots.

steve and i shared a kleenex packet, sitting side by side in front of truvy jones’ beauty salon, er, the stage. i didn’t fall asleep, but i did get that girlie emotional thing going. so did steve. in a very manly way of course. he did a fabulous job and it was the last show of a very, very successful run. and chicago is a demanding theater town.

oddly, i was having a f2fb moment not just with steve but with another facebook friend, the entire st. sebastian players theater. i am apparently friends with it–f2fb #122. it was the winner of the 1957 tony award for “the best theatre in a basement in the universe”. see them at http://www.saintsebastianplayers.org!

the show steve was doing was meant to benefit jimmy insulin, a group that helps newly diagnosed diabetics with people who know their way around the block. the program book promised that if i made a donation someone from the crew would kiss me. i got short changed. still, a worthy cause– www.jimmyinsulin.org

*visit the http://perfectlylegalproductions.com website to see all about that part of my life.

2 Comments | tags: chicago theater, facebook, robert harling, st. sebastian players, steel magnolias, steve walanka | posted in Uncategorized

May 15, 2011

what is animal collective and where’s the best school cafeteria food in chicago?

By arlynnpresser

the most important question you should ask when you hire someone to help your child is who is animal collectiv?

when eastman was a freshman, he struggled in math class. his teacher recommended that i hire a math tutor. oddly enough, the math teacher’s ethics forbade him from recommending himself for a tutor but he could recommend another teacher in new trier’s math department. and for a little more than a hundred dollars an hour, eastman could be tutored at school for his math class. the teacher was quite adamant that a parent should only hire a tutor from the high school’s math department because that way the tutor would be familiar with the course material. i felt like i was being played like a cincinnati spinster at the blackjack table in monte carlo.

so i put an ad in craig’s list hoping to find a tutor who would come to the house and who would help eastman with quizzes and tests. i got almost a hundred responses in a single day and i invited one of them, jim morski (f2fb #120), to the house. i admit it–it was the fact that he wrote his reply to me in full sentences that got me.

after jim left, eastman swore he would work with no other tutor because jim knew who animal collective was.

“it’s his favorite band!” eastman declared. “he saw them in concert!”

eastman did well that year in math, much to the surprise and chagrin of his teacher. every monday, jim would stop by the house for an hour although sometimes during finals week he would make it twice. i was very grateful. and i recommended him to others. in fact, if you want to hire a math tutor, there is no finer than jim. and that’s what makes him perfect to be THE math professor at Kendall College in chicago.

i went there recently to have lunch in their cafeteria. i expected mac and cheese in warming trays, day old shrink wrapped chocolate chip cookies, and everything with ketchup. instead. .. .

jim ushered me in to a fine restaurant where steve the maitre d’ showed me to a table with a view of the kitchen. the chef sent out an amusee of breaded scallop with candied red onion. the fresh faced waiter recommended an appetizer of duck sausage with breaded leek. jim had brought me to the finest restaurant in chicago that just so happens to be kendall college’s cafeteria run entirely by students.* for a very modest price, the food and service are outstanding. it’s located at 900 n. north branch and you can make reservations by calling the dining room at 312-752-2328. tell them jim morski–whoops, professor jim morski–sent you and you want his faculty discount!

*although kendall has a range of programs, most of jim’s students will go on to run their own restaurants, get a corporate job with a high end chain, or will work in private clubs.

aw, jim, i’m happy you’ll ask!

so the next time you interview somebody, you might want to ask about something not entirely related to the issue at hand. eastman thinks jim is cool, therefore math is cool, therefore math isn’t such hard work.

so i have to ask you:

1 Comment | tags: animal collective, dining room, facebook, fine dining, friendship, indie bands, jim morski, kendall college | posted in Uncategorized

May 14, 2011

grow or blow, relationship advice from tony

By arlynnpresser

on a monday morning, around five a.m., in the summer of 2009, lisa woke up knowing there was a word for the day before but she couldn’t remember what that word was. she called her daughter who said “mom, you don’t sound right, you’d better hang up and call 911” lisa was ferried to the hospital–she had had a massive stroke. after three weeks in intensive care, she was transferred to a nursing home.

lisa, tony and a cat named loki share a bright, airy apartment decorated with photographs of her children and grandchildren. lisa is learning to walk with a cane. when i came over, a care package from lisa’s sister had arrived. sweet smelling candles, a pepper grinder, a bright green purse, dishware, and a pack of marlboro’s. we all had a cigarette.

lisa and tony share an unconditional love. they have seen each other at their worst, they are aware of their own frailties, they have supported each other through everything. because of the way social security and medicare works, they can’t get married but plan a civil union soon.

the only disappointment for lisa is that her son will is not in her life anymore. i don’t know the story of why that is but her sorrow is like the word sunday, always ready, always there, but never quite able to be pronounced. i had had trouble finding lisa because she had not been on facebook in a long while and none of our mutual friends knew what had become of her. her son will is a friend of my son eastman and will said that he doesn’t know where she is. i hope mother and son will reconcile. i dread most the prospect of either of my sons not speaking to me.

as i left the apartment, loki slipped outside and tony was sent to retrieve him. i noticed for the first time the plaque hanging on the front door.

4 Comments | tags: civil union, facebook, friendship, lisa thompson, stroke, unconditional love | posted in Uncategorized

May 12, 2011

you can’t possibly be an agoraphobic, judy says to me

By arlynnpresser

judy wilkinson (f2fb #119) got out of bed today precisely because she knew she was meeting me. otherwise she spent the day in bed reading. me, i got out of bed today precisely because i knew i was meeting judy wilkinson. otherwise i spent the day in bed reading. judy and i both said to ourselves that we didn’t want to disappoint the other!

judy and i have known each other since the early 1990s when my two sons did children’s theater. you haven’t lived until you’ve seen a production of guys and dolls performed by fourth through eighth graders. and judy was (and still is) on the board of the winnetka children’s theater. i was a stage mom. judy was at one point involved in three different theater companies while working and raising her children.

this prime time woman is fearless. for instance, she has gotten up onstage two years in a row in winnetka’s village follies benefit show as a, ahem, cougar. she vamps, she sings, she acts, she dances. but claims she can’t dance anymore. she can do anything she sets her mind to.

judy has had several incarnations. she was a medical technologist, an antiques shop owner, a realtor, and she’s a lifelong sailor. on most wednesday evenings, judy can be found at hackney’s restaurant and while i was dining with her, several people came to pay their respects and get a little love from her. i felt like our new mayor rahm emmanuel could learn from her the exact way to deal with the populace.

and i’m thinking maybe agoraphobia isn’t the correct term for me. agoraphobia comes from the greek words agora (place of assembly in a city state, or the marketplace) and phobia (fear). it tends to describe people who get panic attacks when they are out and about and then the anticipation of a panic attack causes them to avoid being out and about. until they finally learn to shut themselves up in their homes and put out the white flag.

maybe a better term is panophobia. fear of everything. everything would just about sum it up.

this morning, i’m feeling way better. and i have to because i am going to see a special facebook friend who is battling back from a stroke. she is learning to walk–and i want to be at my most helpful.

in any event, i feel so good and i have to ask. . . .

2 Comments | tags: agoraphobia, community theater, dexilant, facebook, friendship, hackney's, panophobia, rahm emmanuel | posted in Uncategorized

May 11, 2011

God is startled to hear from my dad

By arlynnpresser

this year has been about facebook, yes, but it’s also been about family, friendship, and God. i am reminded of jonathan edwards’ sermon “sinners in the hands of an angry God” every day. i think that’s the theological firestorm i’ve walked around with. but i’ve come to see every facebook friend as having a unique relationship to God. and it makes me realize how narrow my focus has been. there is a great joy and happiness that comes with having a faith in a loving and righteous God.

my father justin (f2fb #30) is an atheist. he’s like christopher hitchens. he’s facing cancer and never once has decided on converting.

yesterday i worked out because i had an intense pain just under my sternum. i figured if i was really having a heart attack i would collapse on the stairmaster and somebody would call for an ambulance. i made sure to wear fresh underwear. when i didn’t collapse i went to the doctor who gave me drugs for my stomach. he also, quite spontaneously and without any credible evidence, declared that i was anxious and might need meds for that. quel surprise!!!

i have not felt any better. during the day, many facebook friends suggested that they were praying for me. but i also received a message from my dad–

‘gainst my religious lacks, but am praying as well. you’ve already done enough on the resolution to qualify for the whole year already. bless you and keep you.

well that was a surprise. a very nice surprise.

here is a picture of justin, this would have been the first time we met when i was twenty five. from left to right–me, fritz leiber, justin, barbara and the little one is casey (f2fb #31) who is an actress in new york.

thanks, dad.

up next, a visit with the ultimate cougar!

2 Comments | tags: atheists, facebook, family, friendship, jonathan edwards, prayers, sinners in the hands of an angry God | posted in Uncategorized

May 9, 2011

i get back up on the saddle and ride. . .

By arlynnpresser

i have had to take a few days away from this new year’s resolution to meet every one of my facebook friends.* i returned from philadelphia a little bruised and fragile. i hid in the third floor bedroom, watched a lot of hulu.com, ate really bad pasta (i’m an impatient cook and so my spaghetti is quite al dente).

i figured the rest of the world could get along just fine without me.

and not to say that it can’t.

around two a.m. this morning i awoke to a piercing pain just under my sternum. i sat up for hours, drifting between nightmare and consciousness. when it was light, i did a little diagnostic work–a half hour on the stairmaster and eight minutes of hard rowing didn’t cause me to collapse. so it is dimly possible i didn’t have heart trouble. but i think i hit some sort of bottom.

which is exactly the time when a gal should see terry dason. terry is the executive director of the winnetka-northfield chamber of commerce which is a lot of words to express that she is the greatest cheerleader for the two villages.

and she is also able to be my cheerleader. she taught me something about judging people but also about maybe not judging myself so harshly. i don’t need to sentence myself to twenty to life on the third floor.

*monday, may 9 is the 129th day of the year. i had 324 friends as of december 31 and 335 by january one. i will visit at least those 335–but that doesn’t mean i have forgotten my new friends. i have already visited 117.

i need to start planning the california excursion and the manifest destiny tour of oregon, idaho, vancouver, and washington. if anybody has any suggestions about hotels, airlines, trains, etc., i’m all ears!

Leave a comment | tags: chamber of commerce, facebook, friendship, northfield, terry dason, winnetka | posted in Uncategorized

May 6, 2011

my fosters and one among many reasons i’m going to hell

By arlynnpresser

after i got out of juvie when i was fifteen, i was sent to an emergency foster home in downers grove. emergency meant i could only stay for three months. but i needed someplace stable so i could go to college. i’m not sure why i was trusted with finding a family.

this is denise. she was my roommate at the emergency group home in downers grove. many years later, i’d be at a diner and she was my waitress. it was awkward.

i went to north philadelphia to meet with gwen, whose family i lived with for close to three years after the emergency foster home. gwen has not seen her daughter in ten years but is negotiating a reconciliation and while gwen is supported by social security disability for the rest of her life because the lid of the trunk of the car she drove smashed down on her back, she works at creating a comic book adventuress jenny everywhere who can be seen at

http://quarktime.net/

this is holly. for hours every day, she rocked in a chair placed directly in front of the speakers while listening to peter frampton’s first record. she lived in the bedroom across the hall from me and denise. i can’t stand peter frampton.

gwen and her partner maggie had similar life trajectories and the two of them connected on facebook in the mideighties. you say facebook wasn’t invented yet? ha!