Monthly Archives: September 2011

September 15, 2011

you will be assumpted into heaven in a lincoln town car. . .

By arlynnpresser

. . . driven by a man named robert who will call you ma’am. well, at least he called me ma’am.  and he let me change the channel on the radio and turn it up real loud when pink was singing “raise your glass” and let me turn it down when the news came on.

of course, i took my fiance william clark (f2fb friend #60)!

i have mentioned many times over the past nine months my conviction that i will go to hell after i die.  about how anxiety attacks and fear for me are wrapped up in the certainty that this event is happening right now!

but what would it be like if i believed i were going to heaven?  the angel of death came to my house around one o’clock and his name was robert.  he drove me in a lincoln town car down to a television studio.  i was shown into a dressing room where a feast was laid out and two very beautiful producers asked me if i needed anything and told me i was just great.  then a makeup man did my face and a gal did my hair.  because everybody wanted me to look my best.  and then we waited.

when i was told by the stage manager that it was my turn i realized i had almost forgotten why i was in this place.  she led me into the back of a stage area.  i could see through curtains a couple of hundred people.  cameras at every angle.  lights full on the stage with such ferocity that i was sure i would be blinded.  the stage manager told me to go forward, into the arena.  all by myself.  i was afraid but i remembered the letter to the hebrews which scholars believe may have been written by paul, barnabas, apollos, silas, aquila, pricilla or clement of rome.  whoever it was had to be an athlete, possibly in training for a marathon.  because at one point the writer says “where seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin which doth so easily beset us and let us run with confidence* the race that is set before us.”

i realized my biggest fear was that i would trip in my heels.  i held out my hand.  a very nice person who seemed to be in charge of women who are afraid of tripping in heels took my hand and guided me to a chair next to the chair of a very nice woman who asked me how i was feeling.  i said great.

the cloud of witnesses quieted.  we watched a short video about the f2fb project.  after the video, the woman seated next to me asked some questions.  i realized that everybody wanted me to succeed–from robert the angel town car driver to person in the last row of seats.  there was no accusation in the questions the woman next to me posed.  there was no derision or judgment from the audience.  i had been paralyzed with fear for two days just thinking of this very moment but i had no need of that.  there was a great sense of “this is kind of fun and maybe interesting”. . . . and there were three f2fb friends there as well!  that was the most astonishing part.

paddy seymour (f2fb friend #214), cathy jacobson (213), me, and cindy clohesy (214) i was so amazed that they were there!

 

cindy clohesy (f2fb friend #212) is a personal trainer and she had cancelled some client time just to be with me–she’s the brunette with the blue blouse.  cathy jacobson (f2fb friend #213) is wearing pink.  she is on her way to las vegas lucky gal!!!  and paddy seymour (f2fb friend #214) is on the left–she drove home with me.

suddenly, it was over.  the woman beside me shook hands, kissed my cheek and the world was awash with goodbyes and “great segment”!  i think heaven, should i ever be so lucky and blessed, would be a review of one’s life and deeds without the criticism and angst i bring to things.  and then i shall be part of a cloud of witnesses.  i don’t think this “great segment” will ever air but i believe it taught me so much about how silly i am.

i came home and fell asleep well before eight thirty because i had invested so much unnecessary fear and anxiety into the enterprise.  i woke up thinking it was time to start my day, thinking my phone was broken because it said it was only one a.m.  but it really was one a.m.  it was time to drink the last half of the beer i had started at eight fifteen and very quietly, without any cloud of witnesses save for that of angels, think “okay, i can do things i’m afraid of if i ask for help from my friends” . . . .

*some translations use the word “patience”  instead of confidence. what-evs!

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September 12, 2011

nothing is worth doing unless it first appears to be impossible!

By arlynnpresser

i should have asked my two facebook friends to shop with me.  because i am invited to be on a new talk show and have been instructed to wear a bright color, no prints.   i opened my closet sunday morning and there was a black dress, and another, and another, punctuated by an occasional black skirt.  i think i have been in mourning for my life.

instead of shopping, i went to a brunch at vinci’s on halsted street, right next to the steppenwolf theater.  after brunch was a performance of clybourne park.  the play is about what happens when the first black family moves into a  home in an all white neighborhood and what happens twenty years later when the first white couple proposes to move into the same home.  i believed f2fb friend #210 lynn sanders would enjoy the brunch and the play particularly since the playwright bruce norris would stop in at the brunch and say a few words.

lynn is a playwright who developed a play about artificial insemination of the whooping cranes in beriboo, wisconsin. it inspired me to write a short story. inspiration works in strange ways.

the brunch wasn’t my doing.  it was organized by f2fb friend #211 nabil foster, who is a fellow northwestern law school alum and a partner in a law firm.

nabil is of the ba'hai faith and has a strong sense of social justice. i don't know how he has time to do everything!

unfortunately, lynn wasn’t feeling well and we ended up coming home before the play was performed.  at least she got a chance to speak with the playwright as well as the artistic director of steppenwolf.  if you want tickets to the play, here’s a link:

http://chicago.metromix.com/theater/theater_event/clybourne-park-sheffield-de-paul/2484838/content

tomorrow, i will write about the taping.  the producer from the show promised me a surprise.  i hope it’s not a snake!

two thirds of the way through this project and this year–it’s time for me to think about what next year’s resolution will be.  to try to lose five pounds?  puh-leeze.  nothing is worth doing if it at first does not appear to be impossible.

what’s your new year’s eve resolution going to be???

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September 10, 2011

i will move up your legs until i meet resistance!

By arlynnpresser

as a pick up line, it’ll get you to third base but you ain’t gonna make it to home.  coming from a t.s.a. agent while she’s snapping her blue plastic gloves, it was enough to give me a serious case of the swoons.  i was in a plexiglass cage at the albany airport security gate, with helga (she didn’t have a nametag but i would lay a benjamin down for her being a helga).  four male agents were positioned around the cage.

“i will move up your legs until i meet resistance,”  she said and she crouched before me.  grabbing one of my ankles.

i did what any catholic girl would do, i snapped my knees together.

karl and joe really were a lot of fun! i liked montreal but maybe not the authorities! brandon got a speeding ticket on the way back and is now on a registry for canadian criminals because he refuses to pay the fine. i won't go back either, except to visit bruce byfield in vancouver

helga’s hands were strong, the fingers seeking flesh that was fecund, lush, malleable.  that’s when she hit third base, just beyond the lace edge of my thong panty.  for those of you who are not up on your lingerie technicalities, a thong panty is a cross between a g-string and a tanga panty.  victoria’s secret puts out an academic journal that serves as a catalog AND an educational tool.

in any event, her fingers flickered just a bit under the lace and i thought, “jeez, this gal hasn’t asked me to dinner, hasn’t told me i’m pretty, or even kissed me!”  after repeating the process on my other leg (did i imagine that she lingered a bit too long?), she said i could go.

truth is i was really shook up.  and i came home to review my run-ins with canadian and american authorities.  i had a serious case of the doubts.  but i couldn’t give in just yet, because i was having lunch with f2fb friend #209 tim smithe.

tim smithe was friends with joseph and eastman all through middle school and high school.  he did plays with them, played in bands with them, and probably got into all sorts of trouble with them that i am blessed to not know about.  but after tim graduated from high school and went to missouri for college, the story faltered.  keeping up with facebook, i was able to get the general drift:  he had a rough patch, he moved out to los angeles, he came back and fell in love, and last i heard he was working at the nordstrom’s ladies shoes department.  now THIS was a f2fb encounter i could appreciate!!!

however, tim has moved on from nordstrom’s.  he works at careerbuilder.com.  he has an apartment in the city.  he has a fabulous girlfriend.   he wears a suit like he owns the city.  we went to the midtown grille and caught up.  i am so happy to know him.

tim's father and two uncles own walter e smithe furniture company. i respect how tim is making his own way in the world, even though i'm sure the smithe company would love to have him working there!

tim was interested in my new years resolution and asked a lot of questions.  i mentioned that some of my facebook friends whom i meet are going through tough times, particularly when they lose their jobs.  i wondered if tim, as a careerbuilder.com professional, had any advice–

i was so happy to see tim and he mentioned a way that he has been affected by my facebook project.  he said that sometimes he’s overwhelmed by messages and posts and notifications on facebook and sometimes he says to himself “i’ll get to that message later”.  he’s making a resolution of his own–to follow up more quickly with people.  i admire that!

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September 9, 2011

the ex-pats take me to the biodome!

By arlynnpresser

having survived my midnight express border crossing moment, i headed into montreal. i ate poutine at a restaurant while waiting for the ex-pat twins f2fb friends #207 joe winer and #208 karl thelen to be available–joe is a graduate of mcgill university, while karl is set to graduate in december.  joe and karl were members of that incredible band, the strikingly talented ninjaviduals.

poutine is french fries with gravy and cheese curds. it's usually served with a smoked meat sandwich. i weigh 142 pounds. when i started this new years resolution, i was a slip of a gal at 138.

 

in montreal, there’s a lot of french language going on.  when you have to slow down on the freeway for construction and then you emerge back into the “anything goes” speed limit, the signs say “fin” which makes me think “damn i’m in a french movie and it’s existential and i’m quite possibly dead”. . . .

the french in montreal are so stylish they even dress their trees.

c'est chic! this was outside the mccord museum in central montreal. i was wearing black (biensur!) but wearing flip flops (mais non!!!!)

 

karl and joe wanted to take me to the biodome. i thought biodome was a movie with pauly shore.  but, in fact, next to the dome which housed the 1976 summer olympics there is another dome that houses four ecosystems.  there was a rain forest where we saw monkeys, crocodiles, and a strange bird who tried to pull karl’s shoelaces.  then there was the arctic/antarctic, the saint lawrence river, and then there was the northeast canadian forest. . . . this was cheaper than us all taking a road trip to nova scotia —

karl and i spent a lot of time resetting the language preferences on video displays throughout the museum–everything in quebec drifts to french, although you have an english language option. i get the feeling that when you are at mcgill you don’t necessarily have to learn french.

on the third floor of my house is a space that allows for a thriving, now, talented and LOUD band to play.  joe and karl have often seen me in my pajamas on the third floor announcing “band practice is over, i’ve had quite enough thank you”. . . because they have worked so much with my two sons.  they were very protective of my younger son, f2fb friend #1 eastman, who is a few years younger than they are.  it was a comfort to me to ask karl “you’ll get eastman home safe?” and he always said yes and he was right.  there was, however, the interesting question of what joseph (f2fb friend # 61) was smoking all that time. i got it covered–it was mugwort.  and i’m sorry to say that once when i was cleaning house, i ingested quite a bit of that stuff.  argh.

we said goodbye.  i was so happy that karl was running off to a date with his galpal, joe was winding things down for the night.  the boy scouts and i went to china town.  we ate thai escargot which i would recommend to anybody who gains weight on their new years resolution–you extract the escargot with toothpicks and i got exactly three of those suckers out of there.  ben was great at it.

branden asked that his fried tofu be boxed.  it was.  with sauce.  he put a fork and napkin in the box.  i knew we were going to the hotel.  there would be forks.  no need to take one.  but i didn’t realize–as we left the restaurant, we passed a couple setting up their home on the steps of a local bank.  branden offered them dinner.  they were so happy.  i learned something new about how i will do things.

 

p.s.  if you want to see the biodome. . . http://www2.ville.montreal.qc.ca/biodome/site/site.php?langue=en

 

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September 8, 2011

no drugs, no weapons, maybe one too many pairs of reading glasses and lip gloss

By arlynnpresser
i never thought of canada as the sort of country that engaged in torture and life long imprisonment for tourists.  but it’s a brutal world out there and why should canadians hold back?
i took the boy scouts–ben and brandon–with me to montreal to visit f2fb friends #207 and 208  joe winer and karl thelen.  we flew into albany and rented a car for the drive up north.  now, i would have thought i should just fly directly into montreal but ben persuaded me that montreal’s airport was just like kabul’s–risky and no vending machines.  besides, he had gotten a great deal.
driving up to the border, i had just a moment of mental inventory:
1.  drugs?  just advil, pepcid, zantac, and my prescription ativan
2.  weapons?  uh, blistering sarcasm doesn’t count
3.  contraband?  does lip gloss count?
then we had our midnight express moment–
jeez, the canadians turn out to be pretty quiet and even a bit apologetic as far as that water boarding goes!  onward to montreal!
moral for me to remember:
1.  no joking with anybody in a uniform
2.  words to avoid besides the obvious drugs, guns, bombs, and terrorist:  cult
3.  antipersperant!  for travel, i’ve been using med e tate by dermadoctor.  it is in packets that i can take on carryon and it really works!

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September 7, 2011

home sweet hampton inn

By arlynnpresser

there was no room at the inn.  that’s how another story gets started too. .  .  i flew into albany, new york with the boy scouts brandon and ben.  we picked up a car at thrifty and aimed north for montreal.  but we faltered.  all of us were tired.  we weren’t scheduled for anything until the next day, so we called the most reliable of hotels. . . the hampton inn, this one of plattsburgh, new york.

there was no room.  or, at least, no nonsmoking rooms.  we made a decision to stay at the econolodge.  it was even cheaper!  always a good thing.

the boys retired to their room and i went to mine.  i was struck by the smell of socks that had done their service in a stressful athletic setting.  was it me?  i smelled my pits and sat down on the bed so i could lift my delicate size ten foot up to my nose.  airplane industry being what it is, even a one and a half hour flight is an all day operation.  but this wasn’t me.  it was the room.  i looked up and realized that part of the ceiling was collapsing.  there had been some water damage.  there would be no heat or air conditioning because the unit by the window was under a drip drip drip from the ceiling.  there were mouse droppings in the bathroom.  but i was too tired.  i went to sleep fully dressed.  i woke up to hampton inn envy.

the next morning, i couldn't help but take a picture of the hampton inn across the way. hampton inns are always clean, they give you treats, and they listen when you have a problem. i am absolutely not paid to say this, i'm just saying it because it's true.

 

but it’s okay.  this morning is a new day!  off to montreal, where i’m hoping to see the biodome.  but i’ll do whatever my facebook friends want to do!  as long as i can find a hampton inn afterwards.

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September 5, 2011

my near death facebook experience

By arlynnpresser

i did not want to go to iowa.  there were clouds.  there was a bad feeling in my chest.  there was an as yet unfinished book of montaigne essays on my bed. there are monsters, ufo’s, snakes, planes and automobiles out there in the world.  staying home seemed just the prudent thing to do.

but f2fb friend #206 had done the most amazing thing–she moved from wyoming to bellevue, iowa.  maybe not specifically to make my new year’s resolution of meeting all my facebook friends easier but who’s to know what motivates people?  in any event, i had to work it to get out of the house.

some of my friends have given me talismans to help me with my travels. f2fb friend #59 is the biographer of william clark, who is my f2fb friend#60. i take this clark doll with me on my travels along with a hedgehog given to me by f2fb friend #110 jeff barnes

i had never met julianne.  but she is an admirer of my facebook friend lanny jones, who is the biographer for william clark.  julianne is a writer of some note and a professor at the university of wyoming.

i packed the car.  i thought about backing out.  of the trip.  of the garage.  i was using a garmin gps system that is a talisman given to me by a nonfacebook friend who has been following my journeys.  the garmin “jack” guided me not along the expected highways but rather on a journey that took through short streets, alleyways, alongside cemeteries, through medical complexes–i made note of many emergency rooms i could have visited–and finally onto a bridge or a part of the road where the rains were swelling a river so profoundly that i was unsure whether i would be washed away.  that’s when i really freaked.  i tried to call my sons.  or text them to say goodbye.  but i couldn’t find my phone.   i did find my flip camera.  warning:  this video shouldn’t be watched unless you watch the next video as well!!!!

so i took one ativan, four zantacs, and eight pepcids.  i waited until someone on the other side of the road/bride crossed through the water.  i proceeded.  i probably freaked out julianne and her husband ron when i arrived because they promptly had me sit on the sofa with archie.

i tried to persuade archie to take a few training classes, get a blue “service dog” vest and come with me around the world!

julianne and her husband ron have hit the restart button their lives.  while julianne will continue to teach online at the university, they have their feet firmly planted in bellevue.  they only got to town in june but already they’ve made a lot of new friends.  julianne has some ideas about how to make friends, not just facebook friends–

julianne gave me a book she wrote — jukeboxes & jackalopes:  a wyoming bar journey.  she had to travel throughout wyoming on business as ron–a renowned artist–photographed the state.  she used the time to hang out in bars (a quite reasonable endeavor) and learn about the individual towns.  oddly, there is much to be learned from a town’s bars.  and other environs.  the couple told me that their new town is very communal in its eating habits.  one could dine out every night of the week at a church social, a kiwani’s fundraiser, an arts council after hours.

the pig roast of the day was preceded by a "polka" mass. i find religious services very cool, even if they're not of my faith

 

on my way home, i didn’t rely on the garmin gps.  instead, i thought i would use the atlas.  i ended up veering south towards kentucky and was hopelessly lost.  i plugged the garmin “jack” back in and he reassured me that he could get me home.  i am happy to be here now.  even if i’m packing for montreal.  whoops, these two friends have not been so considerate as to move closer. . . .

i told julianne that i embroidered this and that i had it framed and because i didn't want to embarrass her with my many talents, i put a tag on the back of the frame that said that an embroidery company had made this. plus a price tag. do you think she believes me?

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September 2, 2011

not that fargo

By arlynnpresser

so i could have said anything:  food poisoning, my dog died, car accident, traffic (related), family drama,  sudden call from the president asking for advice on foreign relations.

oh, but there would be 1. no, 2.  don’t have a dog, 3.  uh, didn’t didn’t actually get into a car, 4.  good one, vague, but actually, no, and 5. i’m not sure he needs or wants my advice.

mr. f2fb friend #205 bill wedan was performing in a concert on saturday night.  i prepared.  i was dressed.  keys on the kitchen counter.  mapquest printed out.  jack the gps dude performing back up.

and i thought i can’t.  because i will have a heart attack on the highway, explode spontaneously, anaphylaxic shock, uh oh, it’s the usual stuff i do.  but i gave in.  this year has been about not giving in.  about going out.  doing it.  meeting the friends, seeing the world, getting it all done.

gosh, this is from a party where i met f2fb friend #197 terri wojak for the first time. i should learn to keep my eyes open!

 

so, i stood up mr. f2fb friend #205 at his concert.  for the first time, i decided to not use an excuse.  instead, i wrote him and said “i’m sorry.  i had a big anxiety attack and there was no way i was going to get out of the house.”

i’ve never thought that somebody could say “okay” to that.

he did.

i’ve had a few rough days but i got out there, and i picked up bill wedan at his home on fargo avenue in chicago.

this is the home bill wedan grew up in and now that his parents have passed, he is in charge

 

he offered to pick me up at my house for lunch this afternoon.  i decided it was a wrong idea.  i need to go out into the world.  even as far as fargo.  avenue.  but also, i needed to apologize.  he accepted graciously.

i wonder if some of us occasionally (or not so occasionally) make up excuses.  this was one time when i didn’t.

it was okay.

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