Monthly Archives: December 2011

December 11, 2011

being a minority on the most segregated day of the week

By arlynnpresser

i’m a white chick in america.  most of the places i go to i am the same color as most of the people around me.  there might or might not be asians, blacks, hispanics where i’m at but i’m seldom in a situation in which i’m the ONLY white woman in the joint.  this morning was a little bit of the strange.

meeting (so far) 275 facebook friends in person, i’ve learned a lot about how everyone struggles with or finds comfort with their faith.  this year, i’ve been to churches and synagogues, i’ve had long conversations with people of faith and people who profess no faith whatsoever.  i have had a laying on of hands in both the reiki and the christian tradition.  i have meditated with friends, prayed with others. i have been forgiven for past wrongs by facebook friends, and i’ve come to know peace in my relations with some facebook friends.  i have surprised by traditions i have i been shown.  i know facebook friends have prayed for me.

when i was growing up, my adoptive mother mrs. patrick tunneled towards a notion that i was a partner to satan.  not just possessed, because possessed would sort of mean that i still existed as a great daughter but i was being held captive by evil and you want to find the exorcist who will tease that satan out of your kid.  no, no, this notion was that me and satan–well, we had a lock on that fall from grace stuff. we were entrepreneurs.  we were doing a road trip on the saved.

this notion became a certainty for her and i came to believe she would kill me. . . and would regard killing me as doing good for the world.  as soon as i reached that conclusion about her, i knew i had to get out of the patrick household.  which i did when i was just shy of fifteen.  i am fifty one years old and it is still tough to think about God and tough to think about my adoptive mom.

my f2fb friend #275 dave gotaas doesn’t struggle in the same way.  his grandparents were missionaries in what was the belgian congo (present day democratic republic of the congo) and his parents were missionaries in south america until dave was in eighth grade.  the family then came to live in wilmette and dave’s father took over the winnetka bible church.  dave is sure of his faith but sometimes unsure about how the world around him can reject God.

i met dave because we're both in rotary club. he and his wife sally live in northfield. sally was busy being a hostess at their home church in lake forest so she couldn't join us

i got home from new york city late last night and frankly was in no mood to get up early and drive to the south woodlawn neighborhood of chicago for a church service.  but i was intrigued by the fact that dave often visits other churches and that this one is the chicago church he most admires.  in fact, he had introduced me to dr. byron t. brazier seniors and junior a few years ago at a rotary meeting. dave is a church service connoisseur.

we pulled into the parking lot at 63rd and south dorchester and dave’s pick up truck was pretty much the wreck of the yard (no disrespect, dave!)  also, i realized that although dave was wearing a nice enough suit and i was wearing the arlynn uniform of black skirt, sweater, and boots, we were horrifically underdressed.  i have been told by many pastors that God doesn’t care how you dress on sundays.  that might be true, but the God the parishioners were coming to see at the apostolic church was a God they wanted to impress, they wanted to honor, they wanted to show respect to.  and they were respecting each other by wearing a hat, a corsage, a bespoke suit.  as someone who saw parents at new trier graduation wearing “i’m with stupid” t-shirts and jeans. . . i was impressed.

as we walked from the parking lot (well, one of four parking lots surrounding the church), every single person greeted me and dave with a “praise the Lord” or “praise God”. . . .

in the movie crocodile dundee, mick dundee (played by paul hogan) greets every new yorker he passes with a "g'day!" which proves impossible as he walks along times square. there's just too many people to greet and it lightheartedly points out the difference between a rural australian and a tough american city. i sort of felt this in reverse at the apostolic church. so many people were greeting me and i didn't know how to maintain eye contact and respond quickly. . .

i was a little intimidated, as we took our seats, because dave and i were the only white people in the sanctuary which was filling up rapidly.   a half hour before the service started there were five hundred people.  then eight hundred, then a thousand people ready to worship together as a family.  it has been said that sunday is the most segregated day of the week, with americans dividing themselves into “black churches”, “white churches”, “korean churches”. . . i guess that’s probably true.  i don’t see many blacks, hispanics or asians at my catholic church.

i really felt the presence of God.  in the singing.  in the praising.  in the hands held up to receive the blessings of God.  people interrupting each other in their rush to praise Jesus and to reinforce rev. byron brazier’s message.  i counted thirty five people who were received at the pulpit because they had been baptized and then had made the decision to join the church.  at the end of the service, brazier asked if anybody wanted to come into the family of God, to be baptized, to have the peace of the love of God.  eight people walked up to the pulpit, three of them children.  much praise was given.

the sanctuary has an interesting feature:  set into the wall behind the pulpit is a built-in tub (kind of like a jacuzzi) about twenty feet above the three choir rows.  brazier finished the service and then he donned a white robe and, with an assistant similarly enrobed, he entered the tub from a door i couldn’t see.  the eight people, one by one, came out to be immersed in the water.  they had changed their clothes into white robes with white caps to protect their hair.  water spilled over onto a retaining wall.  people clapped and gave praise.  and then prayed for the next and newest baptimist.  i wanted, with every fiber of my being to be baptized.  p.s. i didn’t take any pictures because i would consider that to be sacrilegious but if you want to see the inside of the sanctuary, go to the church website at http://www.acog-chicago.org

and why didn’t i get baptized?  why didn’t i go?  if i felt like i could, why didn’t i?  part of it, i was the only white chick.  i didn’t want to draw attention (more attention) to myself.

but also, damn, the shower caps, the white robes, i’m one of those gals whose priests just put a teeny drop of holy water on you. . . no dunking!

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December 11, 2011

how to work the runway–lessons in being a supermodel

By arlynnpresser

sometimes i travel a long way to see a facebook friend and f2fb friend #274 victoria stone-grace traveled to visit me!  she and her friend marcus drove three hours from northampton, massachusetts to see me in new york before i headed back to winnetka.  i hadn’t seen tory in such a long time that i was worried i wouldn’t recognize her.  but then i saw a tall, cool, sophisticated gal amidst the earnest tourists, somberly dressed natives and, oh, yes, the santas.

new york city was host to a santa run and so a quarter of the people in midtown manhattan were dressed as either santa, a sexy santa, or an elf. i was dressed as a midwestern middle aged lady who lives out of a suitcase

 

then i saw a long, tall, sophisticated drink of a lady.  with a dude in a striped sweater.  tory grace had ARRIVED!  tory is my younger son’s eastman’s age, she’s a sophomore at smith college and she had moved with her family from winnetka when she was in seventh grade to live in texas.  i am facebook friends with both her and her brother alex.  up until a few months ago, alex lived in chicago and i sort of assumed i would get to see him when my schedule lightened up a bit.  then he was transferred by his company to mexico city.  i’ve already been on a one day trip to mexico city and know i won’t get to see him before the new year–

tory told me a curious story that forms one of her most vivid memories of me:  she and eastman were in fourth grade and had both been sentenced to detention.  as we all know, detention goes on your permanent record and can bar you from later success in life.  when i came to pick up eastman, i offered tory a ride home.  she was very upset thinking that she was now on the fast track to failuretown.  i told her no worries.

“you’re tall, beautiful, and you’re going to be a supermodel when you grow up,”  i said.  “and i might as well teach you how to walk like a supermodel right now so you’ll be ready when your big break comes.”

in order to walk like a supermodel, cross your right foot over your left leg so that it's actually to the left of that leg. then pull your left leg out from behind your right leg and place your right foot to the left of your left leg. this method is approved by giselle!

 

apparently, tory and i practiced supermodel walking up and down the hallway of crow island school until somebody told us to go home.  it was with a heavy heart that i confessed to tory that i am not, and have never been, a supermodel.  but that’s okay, because tory is a art history, philosophy and museum management triple threat major.  she can be a supermodel whenever she chooses to be.

then i realized i had to get to the airport.  i had f2fb friend #275 dave gotaas taking me to the apostolic church of God at eight a.m. the next morning.  i had to rush.  i asked tory and her friend what they were planning to do since they were already in new york.  they said they were going to the museum of modern art.  i did something that i could NEVER have done january first of this year. . .

 

thank you so much victoria stone-grace for coming to see me in new york and being part of my new year’s resolution!!!  and if you decide on that supermodel thing, i’m happy to give you a refresher course on the walk. . .

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December 10, 2011

you’re going to make it after all!

By arlynnpresser

f2fb friend #273 prescott seymour and i could have met at laguardia on thursday evening.  we were coming in at the same time–he from orlando and me from chicago.  we both saw the taxi line.  i stayed, he fled.  we didn’t see each other but i had come to new york specifically to see him.  it would have to wait until friday night.

i’m not good at uncertainty and when i don’t know exactly what i’m doing and what’s going to happen, i get extremely nervous.  prescott is a little more relaxed about time and he should be–he has just returned from a two year journey of being a performer on the disney cruise lines.  he’s been all over the world, living in a ship, doing thirteen shows a week, and always always always in character. . ..

i was at cinderella's castle and told the disney actress she did a great job of being cinderella. she blinked and said "and you do a GREAT job of being you!" those are very very wise words. but prescott says being on a disney cruise ship is like that. always maintain character, so if someone says "you were great in peter pan last night" you say "that wasn't me, peter pan came from neverland!" prescott does a great job of being a lot of people..

so while i was waiting to hear from prescott i couldn’t get motivated.  all of new york outside my hotel and i couldn’t go out.  and when i did i found it very overwhelming.  i can see why new yorkers get a reputation for being brusque and quite possibly a bit, well, pushy.  but they have to be or else they would be swept away and find themselves unexpectedly bobbing along in the hudson river.   but i became a bit of a new yorker and found it too much–especially since i was convinced that prescott was going to flake out on me.  i’ve had entirely too much of that in this project. . .
but maybe i’m the flakey one?
in any event, i wiped off the mascara and met prescott and eric at the rockefeller center.  it was a friday night and every tourist had decided that looking at the tree was a great idea.  regular new yorkers were heading for the exit doors.
prescott has four siblings–cory russ rickerson, christi russ, deb, charlie and tom seymour.  the seymour-russ-rickersons live in alaska, colorado, illinois and new york.  i have seen them all this year.  i hadn’t known much about prescott because we ordinarily see each other at parties and you can’t really get to know how charming and great someone is until you have some face time with them.  this trip was definitely worth it because i’ve come to see prescott that way!  (and eric too)  and they went all mary tyler moore on me!
so the next time i see prescott and eric will be in chicago.  we’ll be playing whirlyball, we won’t have much time to catch up, but prescott is not going to be “oh, the younger brother who’s an actor” and eric isn’t going to be “the boyfriend of the younger brother who’s an actor”. . . and we’re going to totally rule the whirly ball court!

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December 8, 2011

i’m feeling pretty alec baldwin myself today

By arlynnpresser

last night, i was feeling all cinderella–i was invited by f2fb friend #272 jessica zweig to a cheekychicago.com party at the stylish oak street shop calypso.  cheeky chicago is a woman’s guide to the city and, according to the website, a cheeky chick is “fun, fabulous, and fierce. . . . chic, intelligent and in-the-know.”  i needed more than a fairy godmother to transform me, but i put on the arlynn uniform of black skirt, black sweater and headed downtown.

i wasn’t sure how i knew jessica.  i wasn’t even sure if i’d recognize her.  but meeting new people doesn’t phase jessica–every month she’s doing what i’ve been doing this year, meeting facebook friends.  she has over 2900 but she is very careful about whose friendship requests she accepts:  she accepts only cheeky chicks (although our one mutual friend is f2fb friend #239 jim levin and i just don’t see him that way).  she invites her friends to parties that showcase what’s best about the city:  this evening it was a resort wear shop–there was a cupcake buffet and champagne that was only out-sparkled by the conversations of jessica’s friends.

jessica is adorable, beautiful and quick to welcome me with a big hug! i had such a wonderful time and i can't wait for cheekychicago.com's january event!

but every cinderella has to wake up by the cold fireplace.  which i literally did.  the duraflame box was empty, it was six o’clock, and i knew that i am going to have an alec baldwin day.

mr. baldwin got thrown off an american airlines flight yesterday--perhaps he wasn't carrying his capital one credit card! what happens with his miles? he blames 9/11. sort of.

i’m flying today.  at the beginning of the year, just this statement alone would scare me.  plane crashes.  that’s what i worried about.  these days there’s so much more.  after more than forty flights (i miscounted at 39 a few days ago) this year alone in my quest to meet all my facebook friends by the end of the year, i can honestly say that alec baldwin is right:  the airlines have sucked every possible pleasure out of the flying experience.  and they are aided by t.s.a. who makes even six year olds and eighty five year old grandmothers feel like they are doing a perp walk.

i will be manhandled.  i will have some gal with blue latex gloves feel me up.  i’ll have someone snap at me with disdain.  oh, wait, mr. baldwin didn’t have to go through that because he travels first class.

and at my seat, the porcine man to my right will take over the armrests while the woman on my left will cough up weird green matter.  then the flight attendant will tell me i can’t put my bag here, can’t put my bag there, can’t leave my window open, and that tray table better stay up there even if it’s broken.  of course, in first class there’s a little more room and the flight attendants put your bags away for you and ask you if they can take your coat as well.  guess alec ain’t having none of that!

and then me and my fellow passengers will sit at the gate for half an hour.   and the captain will say we’re leaving in fifteen and we’ll all know he’s lying.  you never want to believe your captain is lying.  at least in first class they get a drink.  my preflight beer will have worn off and nobody is allowed to use the bathroom whether we slam the door or close it very very gently.  uh, mr. baldwin?

but i’m doing this because this year i made a new year’s resolution to meet my facebook friends.  thank you, f2fb friend jessica zweig for giving me a hug and telling me that i can finish this!!!!

p.s. mr. baldwin wrote an apology to his fellow passengers that you can read right here:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alec-baldwin/american-airlines-service-_b_1135201.html?ref=entertainment&ir=Entertainment

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December 7, 2011

when young musicians play scelsi . . .

By arlynnpresser

at seven fifteen, f2fb friend #271 sheryl nussbaum and her crew were expecting one hundred preteen musicians.  it was the final rehearsal before the blowout, warmly anticipated winter festival 2011.  the gym at washburne school had been converted into a concert space for two orchestras and two choirs.  sheryl directs the orchestras, amy is in charge of the choirs.  they are assisted by aj keller and ben nadel.  and me? i was put to work guarding the halls and telling kids they couldn’t just throw their backpacks down on the floor and run, they had to put them next to the wall so as to not create a fire hazard.

“USE YOUR TEACHER VOICE!”  sheryl prescribed.  i think i have more of a “random adult who hopes that you don’t go home and tell your parents that i yelled at you and then i get sued” voice.

after the musicians were corraled into place, the sixth grade musicians tuned their instruments.  it was determined that fully four had lost their music–one young man his attention span, cello bridge AND his music.  nonetheless, sheryl was determined they should start with the first two pieces in the program.

i complimented the students--i said that generally natura renovatur by giaconta scelsi is one of the twentieth century's most difficult discordant pieces. turns out they were playing deck the halls.

i have always been on the other side of the winter festival.  and the jazzfest.  and spring serenade.  and all the different concerts that a parent attends during an average year.  it looked to me always that there was a little disorganization, as if, well, couldn’t the teachers get these kids to PAY ATTENTION!?  at new trier high school, where most of these kids will go and where my two sons played, there was discipline and determination, perfection, well fitted tuxedos and twenty dollar c.d.’s sold out in the lobby after a performance. there’s the solicitations for “angel investors” in the program and there’s trips to national competitions where new trier kicks musical butt.

for many of sheryl’s kids in fifth through eighth grade, this will be the last year that they can participate in a school music experience and not have their egos destroyed.  so she gets her student teacher to fix the bridge on the cello, she tells the kids who have lost their music that they need to find someone who does have music and make a copy in the principal’s office.  she sighs, cajols, begs, pleads, and most of all, leads.  this is seven thirty in the morning and by seven thirty this evening, she will have a winter festival with parents brushing away the tears as they watch their little bertrams and hermiones.  sheryl has a very long day ahead of her.

this morning, the bertrams and hermiones are a yammering, whispering, kicking, arguing, dithering, daydreaming horde.  if i were sheryl, i know how i’d deal with it all:

tonight i finally meet jessica zweig of cheekychicago.com and i pack for new york. . . as always i will be accompanied by f2fb friend #60 william clark who may be dead but he’s still good company!

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December 7, 2011

the academy award goes to . . . .

By arlynnpresser

i was quite nervous and well i should be:  the academy awards of chicago.  or rather, the Best of the Midwest Awards night!!!!!!  notice the caps, i don’t usually roll that way with caps.

this is when everybody in chicago’s independent movie scene gets together for awards and festivities.  my f2fb friend #270 mike mcnamara had invited me!!!!  to be fair, he had also invited everybody else in chicago, including his 4551 friends.  4550 plus me.

dennis farina was a celebrity "confirmed attendee" and he was up for best actor for "last rites of joe may"

mike and i became facebook friends when i first got on facebook when the network was being opened up to the general public in 2006.  we started with five friends and then five friends more.

mike once was in a movie with one of my sons.  i knew him personally.  but now i don’t.  mike is the director of the midwest independent film festival.  he’s a big deal. i’m not.

when i lived in chicago in the early 1980's rockit was not in a good neighborhood. i lived at the lawson ymca which was most definitely not in a good neighborhood. i don't remember rockit being here but i'll bet it was a beer and a shot place back then.

murphy my taxi driver dropped me off.  he told me i should have worn the orange ball gown.  instead, i wore a black skirt and a black sweater.  such a daring choice, miss allegra????

but it was good because i was by myself.  my galpal and my backup galpal had both cancelled.  i was on my own.  and i suck at walking into a party by myself.

yes, i paid fifty dollars to get into the party.  yes, i managed to get a drink at the bar.  really, i should get combat pay for that.  i figured out which guy was mike mcnamara (after a few false starts that were as much of an embarrassment to others as to myself) and yes, i shook hands with mike and just started to say “i’m arlynn presser and i have this new year’s resolution to meet all my. . .”

and he was gone.  sucked into the party vortex.  murphy texted me.  the early text.  meant to establish that i’m okay.  instead, i texted back.  let’s go home.  i did it.  i shook hands.  but i didn’t get a picture.  a video. or even a look that said “oh, yeah, i know who you are.”

murphy said no worries.

“that facebook thing is like an address book,”  he said.  “sometimes it’s so long you don’t remember why you put that girl’s name down.”

he dropped me off but not before a quick stop at the liquor store.  i put on my orange gown.  my little orange maribou boa.  i sat in front of the living room fireplace and drank champagne.

and the award for best portrayal of arlynn presser in a calendar year goes to . . . arlynn presser. we are all academy award winners of our own lives!

and then i remembered murphy’s last words:  “remember, you gotta be up at seven thirty for those kids in the orchestra.  ‘member?”

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December 6, 2011

some of your facebook friends never want to see you, ever!

By arlynnpresser

or at least they don’t want to see me.

some of them are quite blunt.  one facebook friend this year said “i’ve been trying to date you for three years and now you just want to see me for your stupid f#%@king project!”  i was surprised because i thought we were just facebook friends.  another woman wrote to me back in march that “this year isn’t a good year for us to get together” and i envisioned a datebook full of appointments, balls, soirrees, expeditions to france or the antarctica.  i saw her in the grocery store recently.  perfectly friendly, i didn’t bring up my new years resolution.

some of those who don’t want to see me prevaricate.  they say after this month.  work is tight, but when it gets a little better.  after my dental surgery.  after my dog gets spayed.  and i wait and then re-ask and hear a new reason for delay.

some of those who don’t want to see me just don’t respond.  after a while, i get the picture and i’ll write a perfectly inventive fellow in that category tomorrow.  for today,  i will discuss the curious case of f2fb friend #269.  normally you don’t get a number if you don’t show up.  i chalk it up as a failure and the day goes by without a post.  but this was soooooooooooooooooooooo close that i almost feel i met him.  in fact, i’m pretty sure mr. 269 was outside my door looking into my living room, seeing me at the fireplace. . . .

i wasn’t sure how i knew mr. 269.  our only mutual friend was miss f2fb friend #200 elizabeth stein.  liz was and is a very very close friend of my ex-husband and it came as a shock to him when she announced her nuptials to f2fb friend 159 richard gordon.  my ex-husband asked me to go to the wedding as a favor to him.  i did.  and a few days later, i received a friendship request from mr. 269.  he wore a baseball cap in his profile picture.  i thought about whom i had met at the reception and decided i had probably talked to him.  it would be rude of me to say no.

over the course of this year, he has poked me.  sent me one word messages “huggs” “kisses” “hello” and “soon”.  we have made several dates.  he would prefer to have those dates consist of him coming to my home with a bottle of wine.  i demurred.  i thought perhaps he was shy in public about meeting me.  this weekend we set up seeing me at my house against my better judgment, but i felt safe.

beth and zeeb went to a furniture fair in chicago and appreciated an invitation to stay overnight at my house--after all, their datsun doesn't make a comfortable bed. i went to high school with zeeb. they are both committed to the paga religion. they are sweet and fun chaperones.

 

i cleaned the house.  put up a christmas tree, put wreaths on the door, bought wine in case everybody drank wine, bought beer in case some people drank beer.   went to the atm for pizza money.  put sheets on the guest room bed.

and at a little after six, i got a call from mr. 269.  he was nearly there.  traffic was a little tight.  i reminded him that zeeb and beth would be arriving around eight.  we’d have a chance to get to know each other but — i didn’t say this — not so much of a chance that trouble could occur.  and he’d have a nice escape clause if he decided i was boring.  instead, i said how much i was looking forward to finally meeting me.  he said the same thing.

then zeeb and beth arrived.  about an hour later, f2fb friend #20 charlie seymour arrived with his dog eddie.  the five of us had a great time–beth had made elderberry wine. i got the strangest sensation that there was someone at the door, at the window, but everytime i checked there was . . . nobody.

the couple brought me a fairie they had made themselves and i put it in my tree. can you find it?

 

an hour later, charlie left.  it was now closing in on eight thirty.  i got us a pizza.  later, we went to bed.  i am reading an annotated version of jane austen’s persuasion.  it’s really quite good and i was asleep in ten minutes.  i woke at one o’clock.  i checked my facebook page.  a message from mr. 269

“have to make it when you come back.  safe journeys”

sent around eight o’clock.  i was stood up.  again.  i went back to bed but in the morning i sent a text on my phone.

“what happened?”

“i sent you a facebook message.   my cousin got arrested for speeding”

farewell, mr. 269.  i got so down on myself i spent the rest of the day watching old episodes of pan am, reading that jane austen, ordering dominos pizza (twice!), and gaining four pounds which i must assume is largely water weight.  my fingers look like little baby carrots with paper cuts.

  okay, so some of my facebook friends NEVER want to see me, EVER!  i just have to find the last remaining ones who do.

p.s. i’m keeping mr. f2fb friend #269’s spot open.  after all, maybe his cousin will get out of jail!  maybe speeding doesn’t carry a death penalty the way it used to!  maybe mr. 269 will change his mind.

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December 4, 2011

sites and stats for the beginning of december

By arlynnpresser

new year’s resolution december 31, 2009:  lose five pounds, give up demon rum, be nicer to my neighbor mr. radnor

new year’s resolution december 31, 2010:  to meet every one of my 325 facebook friends at least once in the calendar year

weight on december 31, 2009:  138

favorite form of alcohol:  champagne, white wine, just hand it right over

friends i have seen as of december 4, 2011:  268

number of friends who have defriended* me or deactivated their account:  11, two having done so AFTER i have seen them–one because their girlfriend found out they met me and the other for reasons that have nothing to do with me so nine are people whom i will not see this year.

number of friends whom i have defriended*:  2 and one is gilbert gottfried

weight on december 31, 2010:  138 pounds

weight on december 4, 2011:  140 pounds

length of time the “no alcohol” new years resolution lasted:  four days

number of friends who have become so famous that now i’m a “fan” and i can’t get communicate directly with them:  three

number of friends who are spambots:  six and i really really don’t want a new iphone.

number of friends who are animals:  one cat and one dog and i don’t think i should bring them together.  there is a large dog community on facebook that i have become aware of.

number of friends who are confirmed to have passed on (or become late, as long as we’re going to use euphemisms):  5

william clark is the american explorer most definitely dead since 1838. still, he is f2fb friend #60 and i "saw" him in princeton, new jersey. his biographer lanny jones is f2fb friend #59 and was our chaperone. briefly, facebook deactivated mr. clark's account on the basis that he was a "fraud" of some sort. my friend has been restored to facebook.

number of friends who just won’t respond to me, period, and i have to stop contacting them because i’m feeling like i’m being a stalker:  18

number of times i have been stood up by my friend in cleveland:  five and i’m giving up

number of times i have flown into los angeles and driven into san diego:  twice

number of friends i still have left to see in los angeles or san diego:  five (if you have any suggestions, bring it!)

number of flights i’ve taken this year:  39 (not bad for someone with a fear of flying)

number of flights i’ve taken this year without a ritual pre-flight beer or pre-flight ativan:  3

number of countries i’ve visited:  13

northern most place i have traveled to:  a layover at kotzebue, alaska on my way to nome, alaska.  i could have spoken with santa or russians but everybody was on their coffee break.

southern most place i have traveled to:  a layover in kuala lumpur, malaysia on my way to mumbai–i don’t remember much about malaysia because there was a heavy storm, a rough flight into the city, and there was wine available at the bar outside of the gate for the flight to mumbia.

number of overnight road trips (some as long as two weeks) in my car--14

new years resolution for 2012:  don’t know

will i finish this year’s new year’s resolution:  don’t know, but probably going to have to settle for an asian f.

in episode 3 of season 3 of glee, the character mike chang gets an a minus and his father attributes this "asian f" to mike's devotion to the glee club. my asian f will come about because of a combination of spambots, deactivations, defriending, and people just not wanting to see me--oh, and alex grace having the nerve to move to mexico city AFTER i had already been there.

plans for december:  a trip to new york which will last just about thirty six hours, a trip to the pacific northwest which will include british columbia, and two other road trips.

the person i was:  scared

the person i have become:  less scared

the person i would like to become:  138 pounds

question i have wondered this entire year:  are you really my friend?  or are you “just” my facebook friend. . .

*the new term is “unfriended” which makes it sound like the un-cola 7-up!

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December 1, 2011

movember ends with a shave and do i have to go to the pokey to see f2fb friend #268?

By arlynnpresser

rumors are fun and wildly destructive.  sometimes they are, surprise!, untrue.

one of these things IS true:

a)  i am responsible for the breakup of kris humphreys and kim kardashian

b) i had an affair with presidential candidate herman cain and he gave me coupons for free pizza

c) f2fb friend #268 jeffrey cokefair is in prison

d) i have gained weight this year because i spend more time in planes, trains and automobiles than on the stairmaster and i am mortified by the size of my butt

 

so at the beginning of this year, i sent out a lot of emails to facebook friends.  some people quickly put out the welcome mat and a few (very few) said no, thanks, this is a bad year for me.  a few, jeffrey cokefair included, said nothing.  made no reply at all.  and for most of those in the last category, i was simply persistent.

sometime in march of this year, i inquired of a mutual friend whether she knew where jeffrey cokefair was hanging out, since i hadn’t seen him around town.

“oh, he went to prison,”  my friend said with a great deal of confidence.  i was so astonished that i didn’t even inquire as to the crime for which jeffrey had been sentenced.  instead, i felt quite sorry, at a distance, for his ex-wife. i also made no follow up to try to see him except when i was traveling on i-57 i would stare wistfully at the pontiac exit sign.

pontiac correctional center is near i-57 in central illinois. on many of my f2fb trips, i would think "should i just stop in and ask if they have jeffrey cokefair?" maybe i could bring him snacks or a cake with a nail file.

 

i kept this knowledge for a full six months.  he had sold the building he owned in winnetka–one which housed my favorite restaurant–and i couldn’t really ask anybody “do you think he went to prison?”

then earlier this movember, i met f2fb friend #260 bridget greco-cokefair, jeffrey’s ex-wife.  i had vowed to myself that i wouldn’t bring up such a delicate subject.

bridget dyed my hair a beautiful chocolate brown. i got hives, not because i was allergic but because i was nervous. bridget told me lots of people get nervous sitting in a beautician's chair. she gave me a glass of water and i felt better.

 

bridget used to dye my sons’ hair when they got parts in shows where directors decided they wanted blonder kids.  so she asked about the boys and about our plans for thanksgiving.  i told her i was sorry that the boys were not coming back into town for thanksgiving but that i still was celebrating the day with my ex-husband and his oldest son david because we have had a tradition of celebrating together.

“oh, we’re the same way,”  bridget said.  “jeffrey and i aren’t married anymore but we’ll do thanksgiving together like we always do.  it’s easier on the kids.”

“so wait a minute!  he’s NOT in prison?”

“no, he’s just working downtown.”

some people think commuting downtown is just as bad as going to prison

so on the last day of movember, i met f2fb friend #268 jeffrey cokefair at dragonfly restaurant near where he works.  he’s part of a new venture, ox and pen, which gives consumers points for checking in from favorite restaurants, salons, spas, and fitness centers.  the points can be used like coupons. loyalty is rewarded.  you can read more about that at http://oxandpen.com — but stop text-messaging me. . . i’m not misspelling movember.

during november--movember--men around the world grow moustaches and beards to raise awareness and funds for prostrate cancer research. jeffrey is going to shave december one.

 

you can learn more about movember at http://us.movember.com

i feel pretty lousy that i believed something on the basis of one person saying it’s so.  oh, and by the way, i didn’t do the nasty with herman cain and the kardashian-humphreys were able to break up all by themselves and in record time!

 

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