Author Archives: arlynnpresser

facebook nation’s baby steps towards democracy

my nation has 900,000,000 citizens and, as near as i can tell, they can all fit in my laptop.  my nation has its own form of money, a movie about its beginnings* and a handsome prince and princess.

prince mark zuckerberg and bride priscilla chan honeymooned in italy just after the much anticipated facebook i.p.o. insta-millionaires were gravely disappointed as the share price opened at $42 and has plunged to $27. but every great nation has initial problems.

 

this past month, facebook held an election on proposed privacy amendments.  i don’t know about you, but i figure i have no privacy on facebook. but some students in ireland disagree with that notion and filed a complaint with the irish data protection commission which is in charge of regulating facebook in europe.  the students claimed “hey, that picture of me drunk on the couch that my ex-girlfriend posted and then i made her take it down, that’s my privacy we’re talking about!”

on may 23, 2005 tom cruise declared his love for katie holmes as he trampolined on a couch on the oprah show. i’m sure HE’D like to say he owns that and then he would burn it. tom is known for being very reserved, secretive, almost like a scientologist. oh, right, he IS a scientologist.

 

so facebook held a vote on amendments to its privacy policies.  the amendments allow for what items are automatically public on facebook, what items facebook owns (anything you post) and what happens when you deactivate your account (facebook keeps all of it in perpetuity).  the data is important because it allows for facebook to target advertising.  and get revenue.  which might help that stock price slide. i’ve seen a lot of posts complaining about privacy and facebook policies.  if i had known about a chance to vote on this, i would have.

three hundred and fifty thousand people voted, just four percent, and overwhelmingly they were opposed to the privacy amendments. the company had said that it would consider the vote binding if more than 30% of its users voted.

 

*the social network chronicled the brave prince mark battling to free people everywhere so that they can connect.  and actually, i believe that is exactly what mark zuckerberg actually intends.  as he has been quoted as saying, “we don’t build services to make money–we make money so we can build better services!”

 


this venus in transit

venus in transit is one of the rarest astronomical events in the afternoon sky.  it is when the planet venus passes between the sun and the earth, a tiny little black dot crossing a gi-normous pulsing star that we call sun.  the event occurs twice within an eight year period and then not again for between one hundred and five and one hundred and twenty one years.  the last transit was in 2004.  the next will be in 2117.  i persuaded my facebook friend john d. lafond to watch the transit–sadly, john’s wife was working and will have to wait for the next one!

it was an odd “happening” at field outside the parkland observatory four hours from my home.  a row of telescopes, a crowd of people, some jimi hendrix playing from a car in the parking lot.  there should have been drugs.  there were, however, some tie dye t-shirts so it was all good.

don’t look at the sun directly! this friend made her own reflective telescope for the viewing. there were a number of homemade telescopes for this event.

 

i liked how for a few moments, everybody stopped worrying about their job, their children, money, the upcoming elections, the just past elections, the kardashians, whether they remembered to turn off the coffee maker when they got home, and whether their life has meaning.  instead, something completely outside of themselves, something eternal, something that puts all of this in perspective captivated every person in the field.  the transit of venus is six hours from the first little blip on the side of the sun to the other–but the parking lot at parkland observatory was pretty much emptied within two.  the transitory worries returned.  how i’m going to pack up everything in my house? where i will travel to next?  and really–did i turn off the coffee maker?

the telescope fell apart within minutes and i advised using a bigger box for the next transit of venus. and more tape.  i don’t think she has to get started right away at this project!

 

i have known john since junior high school, and his wife alice since they married.  john and i keep in touch on facebook by playing scrabble.  he always beats me.  he also always beats his brother jerry.  jerry told him that the reason john always wins is because jerry himself is a deist and believes that God creates the universe and then lets it unfold without His hand.  john believes in an active God who is always with us.  jerry offered to hand deliver a note of thanks to the Pope if he won a game of scrabble with john.  i’m still putting my money on john.

and then this venus remembered there’s still more transit to come–miles to travel, planes to catch, gas stations to pull into, and facebook friends to meet!


thin and writing a best selling book that will make me happy, financially secure and . . . thin!

ninety percent of american women want it.  ten percent are probably deluding themselves.  what do women want?  to be thin.

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thin is a $60 billion industry.  diet pills, exercise programs you can do in your home, health clubs, liposection, rubber band surgery.  and yet thin is more elusive than ever.  is it carbs? is it processed foods?  is it big gulp soda pops?  because mayor bloomberg of new york is banning new yorkers from buying big gulps.

what if the new yorker wants a diet coke big gulp? what if the new yorker is an underweight supermodel who really needs the calories? what if the new yorker is a constitutional scholar who believes that commerce can’t be regulated in this manner?

so thin is what every woman wants.  i want it too.  but why do i diet and fail and diet again?  is it that i lack willpower?

willpower is a funny thing.  if you really really want something you don’t stop for an “i need some willpower”.   if you’re being chased by werewolves in the forest at night, you don’t think “i need some willpower to keep with my running program!”  and if your kid is trapped under a car’s tires, you don’t have a problem with willpower.  you just DO, LIFT, RUN or die trying.

so you gotta ask yourself:  why do i want to be thin?  because something about being thin isn’t attractive enough to change myself.  so i should think about why i want to be thin.  i want to be thin because i want to be attractive but i think i like cupcakes more.  so why waste time and energy worrying about thin?  enjoy the cupcake.  on the other hand, maybe there’s an obstacle that has to do with the unexpected consequences of being thin.  for some women, this can be remembering how uncle bertram made everyone so uncomfortable commenting on one’s pert figure.  maybe it’s worry that a change in one’s appearance might make one think about a marriage that was founded on “settling”.  whatever makes a woman (or a man) unconsciously decide that “thin” isn’t worth it is so personal.

and then i think of another goal:  to write a book that really matters to people.  i want to write about my year of meeting facebook friends.  it was an extraordinary, magical, terrifying, exciting time.  why am i stalled at chapter three?

when i was a kid i used to write stories.  two or three pages of hopelessly romantic, strained, achingly girlish exposition.  my adoptive mother mrs. patrick wondered why i couldn’t get behind the statement “there will always be a need for engineers so if i go to college i’m majoring in engineering” . . . so i was forbidden from writing stories–a policy mrs. patrick thought would get me all fired up about metallurgical or chemical engineering for sure.

but it didn’t.  i just learned to hide my stories.  under mattresses.  under drawers.  even under the carpeting in my bedroom.  and if i was out with mr. patrick doing errands and returned home to see my bedroom lights on, i knew i was in for it.  the drill was to find her sitting on my bed with a cup of coffee and a cigarette–and my latest opus.

“just what the hell is this?”  was generally the question.  then i’d explain it was a story.

“about what?”

what do all girls like to write about? romance, adventure, handsome princes, pretty dresses, fancy parties, the crumbling of the european union, and unicorns. one of these things is not actually true.

 

and then the second part of the drill:  i had to read the story aloud to mrs. patrick, who would drag off her cigarette and stare off into space until she heard something confusing.  “what the hell does that mean?”  she’d asked.

i became very attention to plot development.  and decided that grammar doesn’t matter in an oral presentation.  and that i’m terrified of people picking apart my writing.

and maybe that’s why i stall.

i’m going to test out that theory.  i’m also going to figure out why a cupcake means more to me than thin.  i’m fifty one.  it’s taken me this long to figure out that there’s a question i need the answer to–


twenty three days before this homeless winnetka matron starts selling streetwise. . .

packing up a quarter century of my life.  my ex-husband’s life.  the lives of my sons joseph and eastman.  and my stepchildren david and elisabeth.  the sighs–oh, that’s the second grade workshop project that eastman made me!  the delights–now i know where the hell the cheese grater ended up!  and the self-reproach–really, did i need four sets of dessert plates when i’m an eat the ice cream right out of the container girl?

and what exactly were seventeen of these doing behind the speakers in eastman’s bedroom?

 

life follows us.  and we decide how we mold our experiences.  i can be worried and scared about being twenty three days away from the closing on the house.  i can be excited because i am being given something that not a lot of people my age have–freedom to do exactly as i please untethered by the weight of responsibility to family or real estate.  i can course up and down through the emotional double helix while packing one set of teacups for my stepdaughter elisabeth.

is there something you’re enduring that you’re not too happy with?  what if you turned it upside down and looked at it as a blessing?  i’m not asking you to change your mind about it.  just two or three moments of thinking “i’m really happy that. . . .”  i’m not convinced i’m all that good at it–and my balloons are still stuck to the telephone wires.


at least i have a facebook job! and facebook friends #318 and 319

i have been packing up a quarter century of my life, my ex-husband’s life, my two stepchildren’s lives, my own children’s lives.  it’s sometimes surprising to come across a book, a drawing, a sportsmanship award for which kid and what sport?  i have cried looking at little blobs of clay  that were once handed to me with great pride and  an “i made this for you, mommy!”  but i don’t have to worry about the next phase of my life, because at least i have my job.

well, i have a job on facebook!

i am friends with f2fb friend #318 arthur frank, the father of the delightful gal in the video.  he owns round table books and he was just as surprised to discover that i am now listed as being employed at his establishment.  oddly, he has not offered me a salary.  or a corner office.  on the other hand, i haven’t offered to show up and do actual, like, work.  one of the very odd things about being fifty one is that a lot of employment skills are difficult to implement or to prove to a potential employer without some major practice.  for instance, if i were set loose behind a starbucks espresso machine, i’m sure the company’s share price would drop as precipitously as facebook’s share price.

don’t cry for me, mark zuckerberg! mr. z. has been having some problems of his own even while he’s honeymooning in italy! because of the facebook share price plunge, his net worth has gone from an estimated $20 billion to a paltry $14 billion AND he’s been dropped from forbes magazine’s top forty wealthiest folks list!

 

still, he has even more of a problem–mr. z. set off an italian controversy worthy of a tempermento tantrum enorme!  he doesn’t tip.  no, not at all.  not a a euro at the coffee shop.  not a euro at the cozy sidewalk cafe.  not a euro at the little corner romantic pasta joint.  i went around the world to meet my facebook friends last year and i tipped everywhere.  i gotta ask . . .

arthur might not want to employ me, but he is the owner of a business that will help me.  help me with disposing of the many books i have acquired over the last twenty five years.  round table books takes books on consignment, sells them, and if it can’t sell them, it donates the books to charity.  go visit their website–maybe they can help you find a book you’re looking for or take care of a book you need to find a new home for!  www.roundtablebooks.com right now they have a lot of arlynn presser and vivian leiber books–i wrote under the name vivian leiber for many years.

but arthur’s not doing this alone.  he is employing my f2fb friend #319 eric c. carley who reminded me that there is a very honorable means for a femme seul to live in winnetka–for free!

erin, who i guess qualifies as my co-worker at round table books, will come to my house to take away all the books of so many years. she house sits for people in winnetka and that means she gets to live for free in some of the finest homes–if you want to housesit in your town, go to your local realtor and ask if there are homes that have been temporarily emptied of their owners. you might find yourself in a beautiful mansion!

so next time you look at my facebook page, you’ll notice that i’m employed at round table books.  i wonder if mark zuckerberg would like to give me a job. . . at least on facebook!


my facebook friends resolution comes to a grinding halt. . .

yes, grinding.  as in teeth.

today i was supposed to revisit mr. anonymous — the 314th — friend.  why is he anonymous?  he believes that people will not regard him as well if they knew that he is pretty much housebound.  anxiety attacks coupled with depression have created his own personal prison.  i visited him at his home and was so happy to have the chance to connect with this new friend that i did something pretty dangerous and ridiculous afterwards:

luckily, no facebook friends were harmed during the filming of that sequence!

so today i was going to travel back to the home of mr. 314, this time with facebook friend #315 tony tyner in tow!  say that last sentence five times fast when you have just been shot up with novocaine.

tony also has endured periods of being housebound and i thought he and mr. 314 could commiserate, be helpful to each other, to be friends.  mr. 314 particularly needs this because his wife has left him, he has no job, his doctors give him escalating dosages of zoloft that don’t seem to do much good. . . things are rough and they’re going to get better, but maybe it would be nice to have a friend or two.

and friendship can’t just be on facebook.  it has to exist outside.  and that’s what today was supposed to be about.  the three of us.  until. . . last night a funny feeling that when you’re a kid of six or eight is simply magical!

i used to give my kids dollar bills for the teeth that they’d leave under their pillows. oh, whoops! joseph and eastman, please disregard this caption! the tooth fairy really exists, along with santa claus, the easter bunny, and the mother’s day didyouforget? dragon. . . .

my tooth wiggled under my tongue.  and that’s how i knew that i wouldn’t be able to play facebook matchmaker today.  this morning, i had another round with the drills, the needles, the “open wide” and part of the tooth was taken out.  i go back for another visit to have what’s left of the tooth capped.  this tooth is getting a lot of attention and i hope it is appreciative!

it’s tough to do an interpretive dance about dental work. or a collage. but this picture  from the 1931 movie “public enemy” pretty much sums up my day.

there’s another movie that serves as a coda:

the 1939 movie gone with the wind concludes as rhett butler says “frankly my dear i don’t give a damn” when scarlett o’hara at long last declares her love for him. as he leaves, she is at first heartbroken but then concludes she’ll win him back because, after all, “tomorrow is another day!”

and tomorrow i will figure out how to get back on track with facebook!  wait!  maybe investors feel the same way i do!


not completely abnormal and the thirteenth tooth.

i was supposed to see two facebook friends today but my teeth got in the way.  specifically the thirteenth tooth.  it cracked open in the middle of the night and, eight advil later, i was sitting on the sidewalk outside my dentist’s office waiting for somebody, anybody to show up for work.

some reflexologists and traditional medicine professionals believe that the large intestines and the lung meridians of the body affect teeth 4, 5, 12 and 13 of the upper jaw. so a disturbance in the thirteenth tooth could be a warning of lung, intestinal, pituitary, and thymus gland problems! i just thought the side of my face was exploding with pain!

 

my dentist said “aren’t you glad this didn’t happen when you were out meeting facebook friends in another country?”  and i think i agree although one thing i found through this journey of meeting all my facebook friends is they have been nearly uniform in their hospitality.  i’m sure if i had been in taiwan, facebook friend warner sills would have found me an endodontist.  that’s a fancy pants name for “person who can get rid of that pain that starts in one tooth and makes you want to rip the side of your face off and wear a mask like that dude in phantom of the opera”.

my dentist sent me posthaste to dr. trina, endodontrial genius and then he called their office to make sure i showed up.  he’s not dumb, my dentist.

a root canal is no fun, particularly when the only drugs you’re getting make you feel as if your face has just ballooned out to the size of a small townhouse.  in the course of the surgery, dr. trina discovered that i have not one but two roots in my thirteenth tooth.  this, she declared, was “not completely abnormal.”

she told me the surgery would take two hours.  she wasn’t inclined towards vicodin, codeine, laughing gas, or even a small martini.   she’s into natural childbirth, natural appendectomy, and natural root canal.  i was on my own.  well, not on my own:  trina had both hands and several surgical instruments in my mouth and an assistant kim who occasionally took a jab at me.  i worried that one or another swab, finger, needle, scapel or drillbit would go down my throat.

i have a number of facebook friends with post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, agoraphobia, ms, fibromyalgia:  some of them have complained about the state of their own teeth.  after all, most dentists don’t do house calls.  and most of these friends are pretty terrified of dentists.

dwayne johnson, aka the rock, starred in the 2010 blockbuster “the tooth fairy” along with the dazzling cast including ashley judd, julie andrews, and stephen merchant. it was a poignant commentary on our belief that after the pain of teeth extraction we should get a reward. what i got was a bill for one thousand smackers and an ibuprofen because dr. trina said in a few hours i was definitely going to feel it.

 

i felt trapped in the chair, trapped by the topical anesthetic, trapped by the pain that the root canal was supposed to cure.  and two hours in a dental chair? trapped, trapped, trapped.

then i remembered the point of the williamsburg bridge experience in which i tried to get to facebook friend #317 michele piersiak who lives in staten island.  i was in brooklyn and mr. mapquest said “walk over that bridge.”  i hadn’t known i was scared of expansion bridges strung up over three lane highways and hundreds of feet above the water.  but once i was in, i had to figure out how to get myself across.  saying thank you helped.  i said thank you to just about everybody and everything on the williamsburg bridge.  i was a blubbering thank you, sobbing, red-faced thank you note.

and i did the same at dr. trina’s office.  i started thinking about how she had spent four years in college, three years at dental school, and another two years in specialized training for endodontics . . .  all so she could stick her hand and her drills into my teeth.  all so she could say that my double rooted tooth number thirteen was “not completely abnormal”. . . . obviously i couldn’t say “thank you thank you” out loud but suddenly, i really DID feel grateful for all that work she put in at school so that she could get rid of the pain.  of course, i’m writing this while my mouth is still just a little bit numb.  supposedly, in an hour or so i’m going to begin a long, dark night of the soul.

but i’ll take not completely abnormal.  not a bad title for the rest of me.


facebook tanks and so do i!

last week, it was all about the facebook initial public offering (ipo) making billionaires out of the facebook team, about the ipo revitalizing the united states stock market, about investors clamoring for a piece of the $38 per share pie!  facebook was bigger than elvis, jesus, and the beatles combined!

last week, mark’s fiancee priscilla graduated from medical school, he had a birthday, there was the great day when facebook shares were made available to the public for the first time and, of course, there was the wedding. this week? maybe it’s a good idea that mark and priscilla are on their honeymoon. because investors think their honeymoon with facebook is over!

 

shares opened at $38 and have struggled to keep above $32 ever since.  one startling accusation/development has occurred:  jp morgan, morgan stanley and goldman sachs cut their price estimates and VERBALLY advised their largest institutional investors to be wary of the facebook ipo.  the smaller investors were not given the benefit of this advice.  and where did this negativity come from?  the  three companies have indicated that a facebook executive, again VERBALLY, that the facebook financial situation wasn’t all that great and that expected revenues were going to be lower than expected.

there will be investigations, there will be further drops in the stock price, i suspect it will bottom out at $16 per share.  at least, that’s when i’m going to start chipping in.

so a downer day for facebook and a bit of a downer day for me.  i woke up with an anxiety attack  that i tried to ward off with meditation and then with a run.  i tried writing down ten things i was grateful for–a mental exercise that usually does the trick–but i couldn’t get past three before the internal “i’m dying of a heart attack” scream took over.  i caved, and took four ativan.  spent the rest of the day in a  bit of a haze.  but as the great philosopher and femme fatale said “tomorrow is another day!”

and it will be a new day for facebook as well!


mark zuckerberg avoids transfer taxes! also, incidentally gets married.

what a week for mark zuckerberg!  on monday, his girlfriend of nine years — priscilla chan — graduated from stanford university medical school AND it was his birthday!  he posted “I’m so proud of you, Dr. Chan” during the commencement ceremony.  aww, ain’t love grand?

then facebook shares became available to the public and institutional investors for the first time. it was an incredible payday for the private investors who have supported facebook until now.  the private investors have risked everything on an idea–that ordinary people want to look up old friends, find new ones, play hidden chronicles, and post pictures of their adorable ___ (cat, dog, baby, grandmother, thing they made for dinner).  those investors, and mark, were right.  facebook shares opened at $38 per share and are holding steady as i write this.

mark’s fortune is now so vast that relationship advice expert donald trump opined that a naive young billionaire often makes bad moves, saying “they get married, and then for some reason over the next couple of years they get divorced and then she sues him for $10 billion and she hits the jackpot.  I’m notoriously cheap with these things, I think if she made $1 million, that would be very good.”  that donald, always an optimist!

the movie “the social network” makes it sound like mark was a bit of, ahem, loser with women. actually, he and priscilla have been dating for nine years. they’ve been together during the tough times and the really great times. for my wedding present to the zuckerbergs, i’m going to give them a photo album entitled “my trip to the grand canyon”, a link to a leah silberman music video and a list of all my friends!  oh, wait, they already have that!  p.s. don’t they look adorable pictured here in their backyard at the wedding?

so one day after facebook went public, mark zuckerberg changed his status from single to married and wrote a pithy post:  “Married Priscilla Chan”. . . it has a lot of ‘likes’. . . .

a curious financial note that the donald might not have thought of:  let’s say i’m a billionaire.

okay, i had to have a few moments to close my eyes and think about that one!  back to business!

i’m a billion.  my girlfriend (her name, just hypothetically, is priscilla) is a pediatrician who wants to open up a clinic for underprivileged children.  i want to give her, say, a billion to build the clinic of her dreams.  if she’s my girlfriend, the transfer taxes are awful–the internal revenue service will have an agent on my doorstep asking for their share of the money toot sweet! that’s french for jimmy johns fast–

but if i want to give my wife (again, just hypothetically named priscilla) a billion dollars to open a clinic, it’s what the i.r.s. call a “nontaxable event”.  the i.r.s. hates nontaxable events–if they could figure out a way to make taking a nap on the lounge chair in your backyard a taxable event, they would! personally, i think the world has come out on top.  mark owns all our personal information because we have an implacable human need to connect.  priscilla makes medical care available to kids who might otherwise not be able to get it.  and love reigns!  too bad about the i.r.s.

but i wonder what you think …

and, of course, i wonder–did they invite all their facebook friends?


what a busy day for my facebook friend mark zuckerberg!

i’m not actually friends with mark zuckerberg — or the other founders of facebook, dustin moskovitz, eduardo saverin, and chris hughes.  but i feel like we should be.  after all, mark and his friends started facebook in 2004 at harvard university as a way for students to check out other students–it replaced a paper bound directory that couldn’t keep up to date on everybody’s relationship status.  by 2007, i was posting pictures, tracking down folks i went to high school with and playing online scrabble with facebook friends i’d never met.

about that relationship status.  i was separated from my husband and mark had still not figured out that “it’s complicated” is a good status.  i listed “single” and a few short months later my husband joined facebook, sent a friend request and was pretty darned unhappy that i was jumping the gun on the american divorce court system.  we agreed to defriend each other and although we are very much divorced we are very friendly.  it’s . .. complicated.

but mark, we were talking about mark.  and the founders of facebook and the other private shareholders of facebook. up until yesterday, they were the sole investors in facebook.  with an initial public offering (ipo), those shares are let loose on the public market and anybody can be a facebook shareholder.

ah, the winklevoss twins! they went to harvard with mark and they thought they were part of the creation of facebook. this was the point of two lawsuits between the twins and mark. as part of a settlement of one of those suits, the winklevoss twins own six million shares of facebook. caution: do not invite this trio to the same potluck supper!

 

so the offering of shares yesterday was a little like the story of goldilocks and the three bears–set the initial price of the shares too low and the private shareholders don’t get as much dough, set the price too high and institutional traders won’t bite and the price will plummet and everybody will think your company sucks.

the facebook shares were initially offered at $38 a share when mark rang the opening bell at nasdaq trading headquarters. after rising and abruptly falling the price of the shares returned to just under $40 per share at the closing bell. does that mean the initial price was just right?

 

thursday was a big day for mark, the founders, the shareholders, and new investors!  but it was a regular day for facebook employees (many of whom, by the way, own shares in the company).  at one of the company cafeterias at the menlo park, california headquarters, the day began with a breakfast of strawberry banana soy smoothies, coconut mango smoothies, whole wheat cranberry orange scones, sausage and biscuit hash with cream gravy, whole wheat choco-chip pancakes with vanilla whipped cream, whole wheat low fat flax waffles, and old-fashioned buttermilk pancakes.  Meals are always free for facebook employees.  i would totally screw up my diet!

best wishes to mark and facebook!  mark and some other visionaries are very rich now.  so rich that they can’t attend occupy wall street rallies anymore.  but they provided us with a service we needed to keep in touch, to play that scrabble and to share with the world cute pictures of our cat.

last year, i made a new years resolution to meet all my facebook friends. i was a scaredy cat who didn’t leave the house much and i wanted to know who all these friends were! the resolution changed me. i have to say . . . thank you, mark!