Author Archives: arlynnpresser

June 7, 2011

sex tapes, artistes, and st. willebad celebrations!

By arlynnpresser

everything is three hours away from anything else in los angeles, as near as i can tell.  and every self-respecting starlet and congressman has a sex tape or at least a self-portrait on the market, so i stopped in at creative artists agency.  they said i wasn’t a vivid or girls gone wild type.  they said they would try to position me with disney.

the people are so cool about decorating their houses for the holidays.  today is june seventh, st. willibad of wessex day.  here is how some angelenos decorated their house–

look at the st. willibad garlands on this fence!

 

los angelenos are exuberant artistes and they don’t require a gallery to show their work.  i was standing on the corner of sunset boulevard and silver lake, when i saw two youths creating a mural on the side of a building across the street.  unfortunately, every self-respecting avenue in los angeles has seven lanes in either direction so by the time i crossed, the two artistes had taken their spray paint cans and their ladder.  this is when i observed that everyone here takes their physical exercise seriously.  those dudes were fast!

embedded within this painting was an invitation to join the homeboys

there are a lot of social clubs in los angeles, like the university club and the union league club in chicago.  i think i would like to join the homeboys.

i met with becky hirschmann, who is a winnetka native forging a career as an actress in los angeles.  she used to be in children’s theater with my two sons.  i was amazed at how beautiful and poised she is–but then again, of all the gals i met in children’s theater, i always knew she would have her own television show.  she didn’t know much about my project to meet every one of my facebook friends.  she was surprised i am scared of flying–i didn’t want to alarm her by listing all the other things i’m afraid of.  but she was delighted to find out that she’s f2fb #145 and we bought a tiara to commemorate the occasion:

i will see becky again when she comes back to winnetka soon, or when i end up back in california (which i will since i have a lot of facebook friends here).  also, if she makes it big, she has promised me a guest house invitation!

then i headed for calabasas to meet my next facebook friend candice appleton vaughn.  calabasas is, as winston churchill opined, a gated community within a gated community within a gated community.  i expected trouble getting past the gates. . . but i had heard that britney spears lives somewhere nearby, so i’m in! and maybe i can get my new homeboys to help me!

my best anxiety attacks i reserve for the san diego expressway, highway 405 and the ventura freeway,  #101.

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June 5, 2011

GET. ON. THE. PLANE!!!!!

By arlynnpresser

what kind of people name an airline “spirit”?  are they cheerleaders?  are they members of the school show choir?  do they believe in paranormal activity?

i’m just having the usual anxiety attack in the gate waiting for the los angeles flight.  i’ve done my part–i’ve brought my fiance william clark (f2fb #60), the lucky flight plan, two rosaries, one evil eye medallion, and enough ativan to put down ALL the horses at arlington race track.  but i’m still a little scared.  this is my most ambitious trip–six days in los angeles and san diego.  i am looking forward to the friends.  i even got an invitation from jeff goldblum to watch him play jazz (thank you ann!) but alas i can’t attend this event.  i have a packed schedule. . . but first i have get myself on the plane.

last night,  i went to geoff moore’s birthday bash.  i met geoff (f2fb #144) when he auditioned for a show i was writing and directing–he wouldn’t have been so nervous if he knew that everybody who showed up for the audition was going to have a part!  i’ve never done a show without him.  he is particularly good at being shot to death.

and making hamburgers, apparently.

my small goal is to be at friend 168, midway through the list, on july one.  i have a new york trip, new england sprint, an ohio driveby, and then out to alaska–and beyond!

but first,

GET. ON. THE. PLANE!

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June 5, 2011

if i were just ten years younger, this man wouldn’t be safe!

By arlynnpresser

if i were but ten years younger.  and josh were five years older.  or if i were just better at lying about my age.  or if i lied at all about my age.

josh taylor (f2fb #143) is everything a woman wants–bright, sexy, funny, and he knows how t bet on horses.

i first met josh when he was a student at robert morris university.  one of my plays was being performed for his class and afterwards he asked a lot of intriguing, interesting questions.  which led, inevitably, to being facebook friends.  he travels a lot on business and i’m traveling a lot so we spend more time using technology to keep our friendship going–face to face time is a real treat.

he came with a posse of six and i came with f2fb friend #23 janie gibson.  some people have asked me if i ever see facebook friends again after i initially post about them and the answer is of course yes.  this project has made me realize that facebook is no substitute for really being friends.

one time, josh deactivated his account because he felt he was relying on it too much and also because there were some aspects that were making him feel uncomfortable.  so he called me to say that he was doing that.  a week later he came back to it.  i have a friend joe who deactivated his account because he was deployed into a combat area and the army asks soldiers to erase all their internet fingerprints.

so josh bet on a sweet horse and i wondered what i would do with my winnings. . .

i am not made for horse racing and apparently neither is raspberry jam!

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June 3, 2011

what if i can’t deliver?

By arlynnpresser

i take my fiance wherever i go--mr. clark (f2fb #60)

i spent yesterday acting a little like a chihuahua huddled up under the sofa during the thunderstorm.  the skies were clear, there wasn’t a peep from the heavens, and all was right with the world . . . except for my house.

i had a day long anxiety attack thinking about going to california.  there will be friends–allen, jose, candice, howard, and others.  some people i’ve known for a long time, some i haven’t seen in forever, and some i haven’t ever met.  it will be fun.  it will be crazy.  there will be surprises.

and i’m scared.  i think the hypnosis has worn off. so i will put into place my emergency airplane ritual:

1.  cardio exercise until i am exhausted

2.  meditation

3.  beer

repeat as necessary.

still, there was one person i could see today that would put me to rights:  markie carlson gekas is a toy and gift shop owner i have known for nearly fifteen years.  we shared a lunch outside and talked about our children,  our mutual friends, and our aspirations.  she has a business that has done well, but this economy has taught her that she will not be able to retire.  i shoved away the worries i have about my future. this has been a difficult year for EVERYBODY.

still, i noticed i relaxed enough so that i could come home and pack the bag.  including the lucky flight plan, the fiance, two rosaries, and one evil eye protector.  it’s a wonder i have room for my laptop and a change of clothes.

question is, what happens if i freak and can’t get on the plane?

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June 2, 2011

sandra bullock’s doppelganger

By arlynnpresser

sandra bullock gets asked at least twice a day “does anybody tell you that you look like arlynn presser?”  she must be very flattered.  stammers.  maybe gets hives.  i get the same thing just people asking me about her.  we’re similar to the eye, although possibly also to the ear:  i’ve been told that my laugh ends with a particular nasal sound that .  . . oh, just go to netflix and get miss congeniality and you’ll see what i mean!  we’re twins.  in a way.

i once was in an airport and signed an autograph because i was baffled.

but i met my psychological twin last night when i had dinner with ben gonzalez (f2fb #140) and marissa durbin (f2fb #141).  we were outside in their backyard.  it was as the landscape architect frederick law olmsted imagined american life should be–several different families came out of their houses, sat for a spell, waved as they passed, hung out, checked their cell phones.  okay, maybe that last part was not olmsted’s vision. marissa and ben have an adorable seventeen month old desmond who is the playboy attracting admirers.  olmsted must have anticipated desmond.

the next door neighbor came out of her home.  she was wearing green capri pants and a white t-shirt.  i was wearing. . . it must have been a black dress.  but we were still indistinguishable.  she hovered, she chatted, she was so sociable, but when asked to sit down with us, she declined.   disappeared and returned.  when i asked her to sit with me a second or maybe a third time, she said “i can’t.  i’m very antisocial.  i have agoraphobia.”

i asked her about her anxiety attacks, which roughly track mine–meaning that she can negotiate zones of safety and outside of that, it’s too terrifying.  she has recently lost her job (a safe zone) and her home (the safest zone) is being foreclosed upon.  she has sent her sons away in the hope that if they aren’t living in the house, the bank will not go after them.  she had her first anxiety attack on the block near her home just a few days ago.  there is a closing in of the boundaries just as the “safe” zone is going to be taken away from her. and her sons–whom she is trying to protect–are not there to help her.

i wanted to say “come with me!” i have laid out a track of junkets–i’m off to california on sunday whether i like it or not!  i’m in ohio the week after.  new york, rhode island, boston. . . i have two friends in alaska and damnit i have a friend in hawaii who is moving to turkey (no slur on turkey)

i will assume i am having a near death experience every step of the way just like my twin has just found out that she will have every time she goes to the bus stop on her block.

i have tried everything to stop panic attacks.  therapy.  every prescription drug.  some nonprescription drugs.  acupuncture.  hypnosis.  alcohol. meditation.  prayer. nothing has worked.  but this year i’ve done things i never would have thought possible.

flying on a plane.  being in a different country.  boxing with a ukrainian middleweight.  driving a car in that direction.  and the other direction.  popping open a champagne bottle with a sabre sword.  watching a funnel cloud form over my head.  seeing people i would never get a chance to see if i stayed in my house and bought the requisite seventeen cats that being my age requires.

but i couldn’t say “come with me!” to ben and marissa’s neighbor, my twin in the green capri pants.  because i’m not even quite halfway there.  i may fail.  i think odds are i will.

so she said i have to go back home, i have facebook, i have other sites, my back aches from being in front of the computer, and i said “pleasure meeting you” and what i want to say is “at the end of the year i will come back for you”

the real focus was marissa and ben.  i met ben initially because his uncle–a renown photographer and author–did my portrait four years ago.  i happened to be nude at the time.  i love the picture although i’m not sure you’d know who it was and you might mistake me for sandra bullock.  ben and marissa were just friends for the longest time and then. . . .

i am planning out the california, ohio, new york trip and yeah, i will  be scared.  i am home now.  safe zone.  but the train keeps riding. . . .

 

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May 31, 2011

this man has a certain charm . . . on my bracelet

By arlynnpresser

downtown kearney, missouri--the odd fellows building named for the tradesman's union

if your house catches on fire, i’m sure it will be of great comfort to know that i am a first responder.  . . . if you live in kearney, missouri, that is.  fire chief larry e. pratt swore me in just before i cleared out of town–taking my tornadoes and thunderstorms with me to illinois.

larry pratt has devoted his entire life to service in kearney.  his father before him and his sons after him have been part of the police and fire departments–and larry is a keen preserver of kearney history.  i wrote a history of kearney and larry made my job so much easier that my able assistant made a charm out of a picture of me and larry at the firehouse.

one of the forty four charms is of me and larry working on the book about kearney's history

i leave kearney realizing that i have yet to meet a rude person while there.  i mean, there’s a lot of cities, i won’t name any except for one that goes by the initials of new york, where you can easily find someone who will cut you off in traffic, tell you to commit abominable acts upon your own person, or budge ahead in line at the deli–but you can’t find those people in kearney.  that’s what i love about the place.  i think kearney is what i would like for my family or as my home.

i just have to work on that teleportation system so i can be a first responder!

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May 30, 2011

i receive a laying on of hands and prayers in kearney, missouri

By arlynnpresser

the hottie you dated all four years of school and broke up with and dated and broke up with and it would have kept up like that for the rest of your life if one of you hadn’t graduated and moved to italy.  the roommate who always had someone sleeping over (awkward!) but who came down to the police station to bail you out for that unfortunate incident and so you didn’t have to tell your parents.  everybody from your soccer team, the choir, the band you started in the basement of the hardware store.  you knew their names, their favorite beer, and whether it was wise to copy their homework.  before facebook, these people disappeared until the tenth reunion and then it was a competition as to who was fatter and who had a better job.*

some people you went to school with are now part of your friends list but they aren’t the same people you would have put on the friends list at the time.

i’m not sure which one made the friendship request but mike coglan (f2fb #137) and i were in the same graduating class at north central college.  the entire student body was less than a thousand so i figured i had to know him. i was pretty sure he was the dude who sat behind me in economics for three semesters.  on facebook, we exchanged a few stories of the good old days, compared notes on what we had been doing for the past twenty five years–mike is a minister in kearney, missouri and i raise my sons and write books in winnetka, illinois–and then we got down to business–

online scrabble.  i’m addicted.  mike’s better than me.

at one point, mike mentioned that the economy was heading south, fast, in kearney.  a lot of his parishioners were hurting.  i suggested help in the only way i know how–what if i wrote an arcadia publishing company history of kearney and mike’s congregation sold the books as a fundraiser?

three short weeks later, i drove eight hours to kearney with my assistant f2fb #20 charlie seymour.   at kearney’s rotary club i spoke about the book and about how i was looking for help from the community to find old photographs, documents, papers that would help me develop a complete picture of the town.  charlie sat in the back taking notes and leaned over to mike.

“what was arlynn like when you two were in college?”  charlie asked.

“i have no idea,”  mike said.  “i don’t remember her at all.”

i was ready to pack my bags that night!  we finished the book**.

mike and his family opened themselves up to me.  mike and i still play scrabble.  he also talks to me about his relationship with God and my relationship with God.  if someone were to ask me where i go to church i would most likely say that my congregation is the kearney covenant church and that i don’t go to services often, which is to say i have only been once.

but mike and his wife laura (f2fb #138) prayed and talked with me one morning this week.  laura asked me to consider how i would feel if one of my children–joseph or eastman–came to me and said “i want your love, i have you say you love me, but i feel i am unworthy of your love”.   wouldn’t i feel such pain for them?  when i thought about that, i started to cry and so did she.  mike made himself busy with finding tissue paper and said that under no circumstances was he crying too.  God’s love is a gift and it hurts Him to have someone not think themselves worthy of taking it.  thi

laura, me and mike coglan


as i got ready to leave the coglans, the entire family–mike, laura, ian, and brenna–had me sit down.  each of them put their hands on me and each of them made an individual prayer for my safety, health, happiness, and progress on this year’s journey.  four distinct prayers that i might be BOLD and unafraid.  that i would take the chances i have spent so many years being afraid to take.  and they asked for God’s PROTECTION that i might be safe and confident of my safety.

when i got into the car i felt transformed.  and i had only one last thing to finish up in kearney before i could clear out–i had to get deputized by the fire chief.  after all, i have a lot of talents to offer this town!

*romy and michele’s high school reunion is such a great movie!  i think i have to get it on netflix right now!

**http://www.arcadiapublishing.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=9780738578095

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May 28, 2011

the meeks shall inherit . . . nashville

By arlynnpresser

as talking head maximilian tam (f2fb #45) says “fame first, money will come, and the women will follow”. . . in the case of the meeks of kearney, missouri they are doing everything they can to elude fame.

matt (f2fb #135) and connie (f2fb #136) met while performing in a country music variety show in st. joseph, missouri more than a dozen years ago.  nashville called them because nashville has one currency–talent.  the meeks packed up, anxious to be stars–and that’s when they found out they were pregnant with their first child.

there are a lot of choices they could have made.  ones that would have resulted in their pictures on the cover of people magazine and their stories on tmz.com.  but they literally turned the car around on i-435 and picked a place to raise a child.

“we didn’t want to bring a child into the world of touring,”  connie explained.

they chose kearney.  or maybe kearney chose them.  and while here, their faith has deepened.  matt, who had turned away from the church, was baptized only a few years ago.  they are in the music ministry of the kearney covenant church.  i remember being at a service more than two years ago when they presented a song they had written.  i asked them to play it for me again.

i am convinced this song will be a hit on the christian music scene.  and then they had better get themselves a mansion with a pool and invite me over.

“but we don’t want to be famous,”  connie said as she and matt scooted off into the night.

“fame will find you,”  i said.

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May 27, 2011

it’s okay that i lost all my money in the real estate market. ..

By arlynnpresser

melinda morgan (f2fb friend 134) will help me get back on my feet with her sound financial wisdom.

she could make money off her looks, but melinda’s rejected modeling contracts from kansas city and new york.  she could quit her job at gino’s restaurant in kearney, missouri where i first met her–but she was there this afternoon waiting to see me before her shift starts.

melinda has a packed schedule of work, going to college, and trying to find time to spend with zack, her boyfriend of four years.  i noticed the promise ring on the finger.  i think the word “fiance” is just heavenly!

she asked me how i was doing and i said that the two boys were away, that i was doing this project, and that i was trying to sell my house but i was afraid it wouldn’t yield a price greater than the mortgage outstanding on it.  a lot of people are in my position.  some even worse, with foreclosures at an all time high in this country.

“i don’t believe in mortgages,”  she said.

“you can’t buy a house without a mortgage,”  i replied.

“i already have.”

it’s a small house to be sure.  but melinda saved every tip she ever got at gino’s and she bought a twenty thousand dollar cottage in nearby excelsior springs.  she is putting in a driveway this summer.  and a shed.  she likes fixing up the house, with an eye towards increasing its value.

she plans to sell it in a few years if the market is better and then use the proceeds to buy another house.  if the market is terrible, so what –she stays in her house.  either way, a bank is not the boss of melinda morgan.  i asked her what her major is because not many twenty year olds seem quite so assured of themselves.

“accounting and business administration,”  she said.

“will you be licensed to do tax returns for people by april?”

“yes.”

“meet your first client.”

we shook on that.

a postscript:

yesterday i forgot to credit courtney m who works with darrell at the hair salon.  and a photo credit to emily eldridge.

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May 26, 2011

f2fb #133 uncovers my essential nature

By arlynnpresser

i have been followed by tornadoes through illinois, iowa, into nebraska and looping through missouri.  and everybody’s a little jumpy in tornado alley because joplin is just an hour away from kearney where i have landed.  but i figured that no tornado would find me because the town–although well respected as the birthplace and the final burial ground of jesse james (not a facebook friend of mine)–it is also a very small town.  once you get away from the macdonald’s, burger king, pilot and mobile gas stations that cling to highway 35, kearney’s business district is little more than one intersection–washington and jefferson.  i was there yesterday afternoon, having lunch at fat boy’s before i would go to my facebook friend #133 darrell’s barber shop and beauty salon.  suddenly, all the patrons and the owner were standing out back on the porch.  a tornado had touched down in eastern kearney, which is to say half a mile away.

the owner of fat boy’s graciously ordered up everybody a drink.  across the street, at city hall, people headed for the basement.  we had the beer cooler.  i think i chose my safety zone very wisely.

once the sirens stopped, i got a call from darrell who had been hunkering down at his house not far from the salon.  he was in the mood to do some major changes on me.

after all, i had never had my hair professionally colored.

“i can tell,”  darrell said cheerfully.

i cut my own hair, have for the past four years.

“i can tell,”  darrell repeated.

i don’t use straighteners, blow dryers, curling irons, hair spray, deep conditioning masks, or extensions.

“i can tell,”  darrell sighed.

darrell is more than a hair artist.  he holds a community together.  and not just because he recently instituted a policy that unemployed people can get their haircuts for free.  no, no, he does more.  people come in to get themselves made over but they also come in to chat and to hear the news of the town.  darrell is also one of the founders of the historical society of kearney, which is how i met him:  i wrote a history of kearney.  much of the previous histories of kearney have focused on jesse james and the town struggles to create an identity outside of that long shadow.  in believing that history is always being written, we are in agreement.  when darrell spent two hours devoted to the transformation of arlynn, we agreed that i should keep my eyes closed.

“i’m a redhead!”  i squealed.

“yes, because that’s your personality,”  darrell said.

i think i look so good that i’m never washing my hair again.  just kidding, darrell!  darrell promised to hit me up when he next comes to chicago.  he loves to go to a particular orchid store in villa park and he wants to see the planetarium and the field museum.  i said i’d love to host him.  secretly,  i want him to keep taking care of my hair.

when a town is as small as kearney, it’s easy to believe that the quality of artistic endeavors will be lesser than that of something coming out of new york, los angeles, london or paris.  in derrell’s case, that’s utterly untrue.  he has trained with many of the most sophisticated stylists.  he is familiar with trends i read about in vogue just that morning.  he’s an artist whose medium is hair because of the quirk of family–he had a wife and a son (born blind) to support and his father in law was a barber willing to sell the family shop.  darrell heard opportunity knocking but he has lived his life in such a way that opportunity knows how lucky it was to be invited in.

you can friend darrell through the facebook identity haircut salons–and if you mention this blog, tell darrell you want fifteen percent off your next visit!

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