Author Archives: arlynnpresser

grow or blow, relationship advice from tony

on a monday morning, around five a.m., in the summer of 2009, lisa woke up knowing there was a word for the day before but she couldn’t remember what that word was.  she called her daughter who said “mom, you don’t sound right, you’d better hang up and call 911”  lisa was ferried to the hospital–she had had a massive stroke.  after three weeks in intensive care, she was transferred to a nursing home.

lisa, tony and a cat named loki share a bright, airy apartment decorated with photographs of her children and grandchildren.  lisa is learning to walk with a cane.  when i came over,  a care package from lisa’s sister had arrived.  sweet smelling candles, a pepper grinder, a bright green purse, dishware, and a pack of marlboro’s.  we all had a cigarette.

lisa and tony share an unconditional love.  they have seen each other at their worst, they are aware of their own frailties, they have supported each other through everything.  because of the way social security and medicare works, they can’t get married but plan a civil union soon.

the only disappointment for lisa is that her son will is not in her life anymore.  i don’t know the story of why that is but her sorrow is like the word sunday, always ready, always there, but never quite able to be pronounced.  i had had trouble finding lisa because she had not been on facebook in a long while and none of our mutual friends knew what had become of her.  her son will is a friend of my son eastman and will said that he doesn’t know where she is.  i hope mother and son will reconcile.  i dread most the prospect of either of my sons not speaking to me.

as i left the apartment, loki slipped outside and tony was sent to retrieve him.  i noticed for the first time the plaque hanging on the front door.


you can’t possibly be an agoraphobic, judy says to me

judy wilkinson (f2fb #119) got out of bed today precisely because she knew she was meeting me.  otherwise she spent the day in bed reading.  me, i got out of bed today precisely because i knew i was meeting judy wilkinson.  otherwise i spent the day in bed reading.  judy and i both said to ourselves that we didn’t want to disappoint the other!

judy and i have known each other since the early 1990s when my two sons did children’s theater.  you haven’t lived until you’ve seen a production of guys and dolls performed by fourth through eighth graders.  and judy was (and still is) on the board of the winnetka children’s theater.  i was a stage mom.  judy was at one point involved in three different theater companies while working and raising her children.

this prime time woman is fearless.  for instance, she has gotten up onstage two years in a row in winnetka’s village follies benefit show as a, ahem, cougar.  she vamps, she sings, she acts, she dances. but claims she can’t dance anymore.  she can do anything she sets her mind to.

judy has had several incarnations.  she was a medical technologist, an antiques shop owner, a realtor, and she’s a lifelong sailor.  on most wednesday evenings, judy can be found at hackney’s restaurant and while i was dining with her, several people came to pay their respects and get a little love from her.   i felt like our new mayor rahm emmanuel could learn from her the exact way to deal with the populace.

and i’m thinking maybe agoraphobia isn’t the correct term for me.  agoraphobia comes from the greek words agora (place of assembly in a city state, or the marketplace) and phobia (fear).  it tends to describe people who get panic attacks when they are out and about and then the anticipation of a panic attack causes them to avoid being out and about.  until they finally learn to shut themselves up in their homes and put out the white flag.

maybe a better term is panophobia.  fear of everything.  everything would just about sum it up.

this morning, i’m feeling way better.  and i have to because i am going to see a special facebook friend who is battling back from a stroke.  she is learning to walk–and i want to be at my most helpful.

in any event, i feel so good and i have to ask. . . .


God is startled to hear from my dad

this year has been about facebook, yes, but it’s also been about family, friendship, and God.  i am reminded of jonathan edwards’ sermon “sinners in the hands of an angry God” every day.  i think that’s the theological firestorm i’ve walked around with.  but i’ve come to see every facebook friend as having a unique relationship to God.  and it makes me realize how narrow my focus has been.  there is a great joy and happiness that comes with having a faith in a loving and righteous God.

my father justin (f2fb #30) is an atheist.  he’s like christopher hitchens.  he’s facing cancer and never once has decided on converting.

yesterday i worked out because i had an intense pain just under my sternum.  i figured if i was really having a heart attack i would collapse on the stairmaster and somebody would call for an ambulance.  i made sure to wear fresh underwear.  when i didn’t collapse i went to the doctor who gave me drugs for my stomach.   he also, quite spontaneously and without any credible evidence, declared that i was anxious and might need meds for that.  quel surprise!!!

i have not felt any better.  during the day, many facebook friends suggested that they were praying for me.  but i also received a message from my dad–

‘gainst my religious lacks, but am praying as well. you’ve already done enough on the resolution to qualify for the whole year already. bless you and keep you.

well that was a surprise.  a very nice surprise.

here is a picture of justin, this would have been the first time we met when i was twenty five.  from left to right–me, fritz leiber, justin, barbara and the little one is casey (f2fb #31) who is an actress in new york.

thanks, dad.

up next, a visit with the ultimate cougar!


i get back up on the saddle and ride. . .

i have had to take a few days away from this new year’s resolution to meet every one of my facebook friends.*  i returned from philadelphia a little bruised and fragile.  i hid in the third floor bedroom, watched a lot of hulu.com, ate really bad pasta (i’m an impatient cook and so my spaghetti is quite al dente).

i figured the rest of the world could get along just fine without me.

and not to say that it can’t.

around two a.m. this morning i awoke to a piercing pain just under my sternum.  i sat up for hours, drifting between nightmare and consciousness.  when it was light, i did a little diagnostic work–a half hour on the stairmaster and eight minutes of hard rowing didn’t cause me to collapse.  so it is dimly possible i didn’t have heart trouble.   but i think i hit some sort of bottom.

which is exactly the time when a gal should see terry dason.  terry is the executive director of the winnetka-northfield chamber of commerce which is a lot of words to express that she is the greatest cheerleader for the two villages.

and she is also able to be my cheerleader.  she taught me something about judging people but also about maybe not judging myself so harshly.  i don’t need to sentence myself to twenty to life on the third floor.

*monday, may 9 is the 129th day of the year.  i had 324 friends as of december 31 and 335 by january one.  i will visit at least those 335–but that doesn’t mean i have forgotten my new friends.  i have already visited 117.

i need to start planning the california excursion and the manifest destiny tour of oregon, idaho, vancouver, and washington.  if anybody has any suggestions about hotels, airlines, trains, etc., i’m all ears!


my fosters and one among many reasons i’m going to hell

after i got out of juvie when i was fifteen, i was sent to an emergency foster home in downers grove.  emergency meant i could only stay for three months.  but i needed someplace stable so i could go to college.  i’m not sure why i was trusted with finding a family.

this is denise.  she was my roommate at the emergency group home in downers grove.  many years later, i’d be at a diner and she was my waitress.  it was awkward.

i went to north philadelphia to meet with gwen, whose family i lived with for close to three years after the emergency foster home.   gwen has not seen her daughter in ten years but is negotiating a reconciliation and while gwen is supported by social security disability for the rest of her life because the lid of the trunk of the car she drove smashed down on her back, she works at creating a comic book adventuress jenny everywhere who can be seen at

http://quarktime.net/

this is holly.  for hours every day, she rocked in a chair placed directly in front of the speakers while listening to peter frampton’s first record.  she lived in the bedroom across the hall from me and denise.  i can’t stand peter frampton.

gwen and her partner maggie had similar life trajectories and the two of them connected on facebook in the mideighties.  you say facebook wasn’t invented yet?  ha!

we had dinner at their favorite chinese restaurant and the evening was over before i was able to accomplish what i had come to do:

okay, post ativan:


f2fb #114 and when am i getting my modeling contract?

in every community theater production, there is the fantasy:  that the nondescript man in row three will turn out to be a new york producer who has found himself with nothing to do for an evening as he ambles across the country on some business errand.  he is enchanted by the plumber’s rendition of henry higgins if they’re doing my fair lady.  or he’s smitten with how the head of the girl scout troop sinks her teeth into the “who’s afraid of virginia woolf”.  a note is sent backstage during intermission:  would said plumber or said girl scout troop leader consent to be part of his new production, an avant garde rendering of music man to be premiered at carnegie hall?

no one ever says it.  everybody in community theater says they’re doing it just for fun.  but truly, everybody would like to be discovered.  i would.  damnit, i’m still not sure why an agent from the ford modeling agency hasn’t approached me as i wend my way through the produce section of lakeside foods.

well, i’m here to tell you that the whole “discovered while doing community theater” thing happened to eastman when he was doing lost in yonkers for winnetka’s community theater.  and the new york (well, okay, pittsburgh) producer was ken kaissar.  ken was bringing the play “ritual of faith” to chicago and when he saw eastman onstage, he wanted him.

the play may have been a bit of a, well, ahem, critical and commercial failure, but eastman loved it because he got to go downtown every evening, stay up late, hang out with other actors and drink slurpees every intermission.  can’t beat that when you’re nine.

ken went on to other shows and right now is doing his own play “the man stanley” at the walnut street theater in philadelphia.  it opens june 14 and is part of a partnership called “two guys making theater”.  you can take a look at http://www.twoguysmakingtheatre.com/TwoGuysMakingTheatre/Welcome.html

facebook has allowed us to keep up a bit but it was the first time ken and i had seen each other since the play closed.  we had lunch at ted’s montana grill in philadelphia’s theater district!  oddly, nobody stopped me on the street and said “hey, are you signed with a modeling agency????”

tomorrow, an account of the one meeting i feared the most on this eastern seaboard trip!

on friday, i’ll be seeing the drowsy chaperone, a piece of community theater that is going to surely produce some great stars–it’s produced by my friend nancy flaster!


Godspeed to f2fb #113 on her biology finals!

. . . and a present for jay from indianapolis.

i have only met lynn nguyen once before, when her family came from pittsburgh to visit her uncle tom and his friend dirk (f2fb #103).  she was in eighth grade, self-possessed, gracious, and didn’t seem to mind that i was ancient.  although, to be fair, i was only 45 years worth of old. she has a younger sister who is about to enter denison college (hey, eastman, oberlin’s not that far away–you could be a gentleman and see her!)  the nguyen father is a carpenter.  the nguyen mother is a seamstress.  she wanted to try to make me a traditional vietnamese wedding gown, not that i’m getting married but the gowns are gorgeous.  unfortunately, she just couldn’t believe myh measurements.  when the dress arrived, the twins were unable to be accommodated.  i could be the pamela anderson of ho chi minh city if i wanted to!

today, lynn is studying at the university of pennsylvania.  her major is visual studies but the all important minor is pre-med.  she knows she will not practice in the united states because she says medicine today is about politics and not about helping people.  instead, she wants to go to a third world country where her skills and her compassion will be put to best use.  i was surprised that her view of american medicine is one that is shared by a number of people.  i really admire her commitment.

speaking of that commitment, she was studying for her biology final but she took some time to show me the campus.  we ended up at the robert indiana sculpture “love” which reminded me of the day that jay schwandt (f2fb #38) went to the indianapolis art museum and saw robert indiana’s painting of the same design.  jay bought me a refrigerator magnet of the same sculpture.

i wished lynn well on her exams and begged her to see me in chicago when she sees her uncle tom next!  then she reminded me that tom knows how to get the best flights, the cheapest rates, and that all her family makes tom book their flights.

HELLO TOM!

then it was onward to northern philadelphia where i took a room at the king of prussia hampton inn.  i was promised a nonsmoking room but when i entered the room i thought maybe a gang of young thugs had decided to host their monthly budget meeting the evening before.  i called the front desk just because i didn’t want to get charged the two hundred dollar “clean up” fee for smoking in a room.  i have a terrible fear of being blamed for things i haven’t done.  leave it to steve at the front desk, who not only comped the room but set me up in the hilton honors program.  go steve, employee of the month!


rita bowman, quiet superheroine!

my biological parents justin and aleta raised me in a typical young married fashion:  justin was in school, aleta took some work to pay the bills and they looked forward to a brilliant future. 

according to aleta, justin persuaded her that the brilliant future wasn’t going to happen if they kept me and so when i was about to turn three, they went to the children’s home and aid society of chicago.  there was a six month waiting period after i was accepted by the patricks.  sometime after that six month period, aleta and justin broke up.  they divorced about a year later.  here’s aleta in a picture taken sometime in the seventies.

i was raised by the patricks until i was fifteen and ran away from home.  when i was twenty five i found both my father justin and mother aleta.  justin was a professor at the university of houston.  aleta was a part time freelance public defender in washington, d.c.  she was a lesbian coming out of a relationship with a woman who had undergone sexual reassignment surgery.

aleta had no contact with her two sisters and her mother alyce.  she described alyce as evil.  alyce had been raised in an orphanage and was stunned when, as she turned seventeen, her mother reapeared and wanted to resume a family relationship.  alyce married very soon after, had aleta, lost custody of aleta to her mother, and then regained custody before moving on to husbands number two, three and four.  i was in contact with aleta for several years before aleta cut things off–i was paying for her health insurance and discovered that aleta wasn’t using the money for that purpose.  i have no idea whether aleta is alive or dead.  then i got a big surprise from a stranger. . . .

alyce collects dolls, and at one point had well over four thousand of them in her house.  now she lives in a manor house run by the methodists and she can only keep about two hundred.  i brought her a sparkly princess belle doll.  she likes to talk, and probably feels pretty lonely when there’s no one around to listen. . . .

so she told us about when she raised a tiger in georgia before it went crazy and killed a whole bunch of people and alyce was forced to ship him back to kenya and he cried.  she told us about being a weather girl for wgn television and how she was given a police escort when it snowed so that she could get to the studio.  she told us about her years working in the circus as a clown.  she told us about how the helicopters touch down on the roof of a nearby hospital when they bring in patients and the pilot always buzzes manor house so he can wave to her because he knows her as somebody who ran civil defense.  and some of this that she says is true and some of it is just to entertain us so we will stay.

i couldn’t have a relationship with alyce without rita and her husband bruce bowman helping me.  they are good people, the sort without which a small town can’t survive.  volunteering at the fire department, raising their daughter mandy, keeping active in their church, and helping alyce blum have a granddaughter arlynn.


i meet the Defender of the Caregiver

everybody will be a caregiver to someone.  a grandparent, a child, a spouse who has a longterm disability or illness.  but who takes care of the caregiver?  f2fb friend #111 lon kieffer has written a book, given countless talks, and touched people’s lives with one simple message:  that someone who is a caregiver has to make sure to take care of themselves as well. he is the superhero defender of the caregiver.

when i caught up with him in his delaware paradise he shared with me the news about his radio show!

in my divorce agreement, there is a specific written provision that in the event that my ex-husband were to become mortally ill, i promise to become his primary caregiver.  i know is something were to happen to my sons joseph or eastman, i’d be there every day.  i have other people in my life who, were they to need my caregiving, i’d drop everything–even this project–to care for them.  i was a secondary caregiver to my friends the eastmans in their final few years.  and this project has taught me that one day i will be a caregiver to my father justin–and that day is approaching fast.

what about you?

lon works at a nursing home in delaware in order to keep in continued touch with the field of nursing which is, of course, the profession of caregivers.  but he makes sure to walk down to the edge of his property and take his boat out on the nanicote river every evening after work.  sometimes he fishes, sometimes he has dinner with other “river rats” along the way, sometimes he hosts parties on the water, and sometimes he just sits back with a cold one to let the troubles of the day wash away.

i caught some seaweed, a lure, and a log!

i first met lon when he was a caregiver at the nursing and rehab center my grandmother alyce stayed at.  she adored him because he would sit with her and listen to her stories.  sometimes people just want to be heard.

if you want to reach lon, if you’re a caregiver feeling a little stressed, he is happy to hear from you.  find him on facebook either by searching for lon kieffer or defender of the caregiver.  and you can also find him at http://www.lonkieffer.com/

next up, i visit grandma alyce and hear the story of how she and i met for the first time when i was in my early forties.


the road trip for a new year’s eve resolution

after meeting with gitta and jeff in morgantown, this new year’s resolution headed east for friendsville, maryland, to stay at the riverside hotel.  and it was indeed riverside because the water was so high that i could put my hand in it out the window of my second story room.  friendsville lives up to its moniker because where else are you going to meet such nice ones?  in the convenience store, i even met the beauty queen dia shoyer. 

onto delaware to meet facebook friends lon and rita.  but first, some nonfacebook business.  i went to my grandmother’s house in seaford, delaware.  i was shocked to find five strangers in the driveway, unpacking a pick up truck with landscaping supplies.  the house had been sold to beth and ryan.  i hope they will enjoy the house as much as my grandmother did.